12-27-2007, 10:25 PM
DEPPVILLE FIRST NIGHT
NEW YEAR’S EVE CHARITY FAIRE
The Concert Hall Parking Lot
Month long celebration to ring in the New Year
Visit vendors and enjoy live entertainment
Benefits the Damaged Standee Fund
for those whose standees
have been damaged by weather
or attacking canines.
JACK
Well, tis time to open the gates
Greetings Vianne, welcome to the Charity Faire, and I must say,
ye be looking like a fine lass.
VIANNE
Really? You don’t think these armpit pants make my butt look big?
(turns for Jack to admire)
JACK
Oh contraire…but I know for a fact that nothing
would make your…uhm…accruements look
even better.
VIANNE
You think nothing could make me look better?
JACK
Indeed luv…and I have exactly that in me cabin, if
ye care to join me later….
*Vianne giggles and heads into the Faire with Hunnies*
AGGIE
Get your fresh Kracken Artichokes!
6 GUN METHOD
Hmmm….how do I know these are authentic Kracken Artichokes
and how fresh are they?
AGGIE
Oh, well, Kracken artichokes are known for their special juicy insides.
A unique quality known only to the Kracken variety. Just ask Jack.
he just had one.
TOMMY
And as for freshness..the only thing fresher that these Krackens
is me…
AGGIE
Tommy! Put that Ten-Pin away!
TOMMY
I was just looking to score a strike.
AGGIE
Well, you can bowl my alley later. Right now I got artichokes
to sell!
6 G M
Give me a dozen of those Krackens. I’m still celebrating Hogmanay and
I forgot to get the stuff to make fireballs. These might make a nice
substitute. Don’t you agree Jack?
JACK
I’ll be willing t’help ya with fire balls.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hogmanay
(sometime later)
JAMES
Oh 6GM! Tell me ya dinna really use artichokes for
the Scottish New Year…and with that pirate, no less?
6GM
Seemed like a good idea at the time
(an hour earlier)
Jack, I don’t think the artichoke fireballs where a good idea…
btw, is that JL$ coming this way?
Not good! Not good!
*Back at the Faire*
SMITTEN
Say, anyone seen Jack? I need him to help me keep the Yule Log burning
if you know what I mean? I know it’s past Yule Log time, but nothing like
a burning log…*cough*
TRUDY
Jack And Yule Log! Sounds Like Fun Smitten! I’ll Help You Find Him!
I’d Love To Help Light Jack’s Yule Log!
SMITTEN AND TRUDY
Jack! Get back Here With Your Yule Log!!!!!
Not Good! Not Good!
IDZY (on public speaker)
Hello everyone! I am Mayor Idzy and
I’d like to welcome you all to First Night Out.
And as our first musical guest….
(commotion distracts Idzy…
sees Chocolat pushing way through crowd)
CHOCOLAT
Give him back!
IDZY (trying to ignore her, looking over heads of crowd)
Don’t know what you’re talking about…now as I was saying…
CHOCOLAT
Half of my Christmas gift.
IDZY
I don’t have a clue…please Choc…
I need to make announcements.
CHOCOLAT
All right! I’ll go look by myself.
(wandering in the crowd)
Please, can you help me? One minute I was walking down the
street…next…I found myself in a room full of new toilets and
without my jacket….any one? Can anyone help me?
Okay sir, just come with me…taking y’downtown,
Can’t have you bothering the Hunnies.
Please! If anyone knows where my jacket is…I’ll be
at the Deppville Detention
*all eyes go to Choc who gives sideways glance*
I’m not saying nothing ‘cept someone should go check
Babs closet as well.
FANtasticJD
You know, now that I think about it…I thought I saw something
quite similar on Russian Ebay….or was that Turkish? There’s so
much out there to buy….Choc…did you see…
CHOC
Saw nothing…heard nothing…I’m outta here…
hey Dude, how about a cappuccino…make it a double.
DUDE
You bet Choc! Still in training, but I have help.
He makes a mean gingerbreadsweet-tater latte
with extra cinnamon.
Whip my friend up one, Latte Lad.
DUDE
He’s much better than my last mentor
(lets mind drift to last Latte Teacher)
IDZY
Hello…hello (taps mike) Remember me? As I was
saying I would like to introduce our first act for the
Faire’s entertainment.
ROUX
Hello my friends. I would like to play for you
a special tune. Some of you will be familiar with it,
but Babs and I are adding a twist to it…as I play
she will do an interpretation, which is known as
“nancing” This is one of her many talents…right
up there with Babpiping
One…two…one, two, three….
“You make me feel like nancing…gonna nance the night away”
*suddenly Roux stops playing*
BABS
Roux, darling, I can’t do my act without music.
What’s the matter?
ROUX
You’re giving me ideas
BABS
Babpiping?
ROUX
To the boat!
NOTABENE
Hey! Come one…I’m only here for a short time
I need to be entertained.
LITTLE ANGEL
I hear ya Nota…hey…let’s head over there.
*runs to join crowd at stage with hanging white sheet,
light showing thru to reflect shadows*
MOHO
Welcome! To the MoHo’s Magnificent Shadow Shifter.
With your indulgence…my assistant will show you the
first shadow
LITTLE ANGEL
Old George in Blow!!
*MoHo rolls eyes, moves to next imitation*
PRICESA
Fedora Guy! And is that Raphael? Hey wait!
How did she do two shadows?
*Behind curtain*
SHOOTER
I think you stole my shadow…
or at least my hat…
MORT
You’re not suppose to be backstage…rubbernecker…
get out front with the rest of the paying customers.
MoHo…a little help.
MOHO
*peeks behind curtain*
Two of you! Well Shake and Bake me, if this
isn’t a recipe for trouble. But I think I can take the
two of you on…isn’t that couch in the Hut a pull out?
MORT
MoHo!
*crowd moves to next booth…
MPJ sees PAMELA with sunglasses*
MPJ
What’s up with the shades Miss P?
PAMELA
I walked by your house on the way here, just wanted to protect
my eyes. Didn’t want to go blind. That place is as nearly as
shiny as Sam’s ears.
MPJ
Yeah, I hear ya. There’s better ways to go blind if you know
what I mean.
JACK
Did I hear someone mention “shiny”?
PAM
Yeah…so shiny it can blind you.
MPJ
Speaking of which, have you blinded anyone today Jack?
JACK *saunters over to MPJ and PAM*
Let me see…how's this luv?
PAMELA
Blind me Jack! Blind me!
*lines forms to the right for blinding*
CELINE approaches next vendor
“My Cricket…this is some set-up…lip smacking good…
and speaking of lips…I know a fine pair of lips I would
love to lick BBQ sauce off of”
CRICKET
Yeah, was inspired by my trip to Memphis.
Fell in love with the cuisine. Thought I’d bring
a bit back to share. And to top it off, Axel had
my likeness painted on the side of his plane.
*sees woman in disguise*
CRICKET
Jenny? Is that you? What are you doing?
JENNY
Hush! I’m undercover for the DeppvilleGazette.
Secret assignment for the most asked question
of our Founding Father.
That is….what does he smell like?
“Ahh…Jenny….please…I am on the same mission.
Perhaps we can join forces together….partner up, as they say?
JENNY
Can’t imagine partnering with anyone else….
You are the “Juan” for me…get it, get it…
DJD
Yes, my love, I reward you for your sense of humor
JENNY
Well, if you liked that I got more where that came from!
DJD
And I look forward to rewarding you handsomely.
*Jenny and DJD go off on mission*
CROPALOT
Say, anyone seen Jenny?
I’m the newspaper’s photographer.
You might have seen my work?
Won an award for the ever popular….
“Watching Paint Dry”
I was over trying to take a pic of MPJ’s house
but nearly burned out my retina when I looked
through the lens…
JOHHNYSGIRL
Can I come with you? I’ve been a good girl.
(whispers)
Not like my twin…she was on the naughty list you know?
CROP
I don’t know JG. It’s suppose to be a covert operation.
Little hard when you got whats-his-name trailing behind.
He stands out like leg warmers and sweatshirts at a fancy-to-do
JG
Oh, this is just Candy Cane Guy
He promises to be good too.
CROP
Well, okay. Sit down here on this curb and sign waivers.
Besides, I can use extra eyes. Mine are still seeing spots
from those Christmas lights. Maybe I can go borrow Pam’s shades.
Wait, maybe this guy will lend me his.
How about it, Ice Cream Man?
“Oh hello down there…Nice flip flops.
.I’m looking for my brother…have you seen him?
My height,my color…except he tends to wear black…
kind of the Johnny Cash look.
Said he had to go look for his missing jacket.
CROP
Sorry, I give no info without a signature…
ICM
There you go…now, how much do you know
about my brother?
CROP
Here’s a list of names you might want to try.
ICM
Babs? Chocolat? Idzy?
Hut? Shoppe? Toidy Town?
Ok…I’ll give it a go. Where do I start looking?
CROP
Just ask any of the vendors. They
can point you in the right direction.
*wanders to vendor, reads sign*
LICKY LICKY CIGGIES
ICM
Excuse me…I need some help.
DEPPUTIZED
(rolling cheroot, hands off to assistant)
Finish this please….
(turns to ICM)
Need help licking something? I’m your gal.
I mean…yes…yes…do you need something to
smoke? I know looking at you I’m smoking
already…I mean…what can I do for you?
ICM
I’m looking for these women.
(shows list)
DEPPUTIZED
You know,these are my Deppsisters. How do I know
you’re not some pervert or something. Why do you want
them? (I know I want you)
ICM
I’m told they were the last to see my brother…Jack…
DEPPUTIZED
Jack? Jack’s your brother? Why didn’t you say so..he’s
over…
ICM
No, no…not Jack…Jacket….Jacket Guy.
DEPPUTIZED
Oh…him…yeah…I saw him. In fact, I think
it would be Babs you need to talk to. If I recall,
she was the last one to touch him…I mean…
well you know what I mean…
(ME recalls last moment)
GIBBS
If ye be believing in that sort of thing
ICM
Excuse me?
GIBBS
I’m just saying Mister…Ms. Babs not be da last one
to see yer brother. (shows pic)
ICM (To ME)
Turn around…
DEPPUTIZED
Hmmmm….kinky….(turns around for him)
GIBBS
I just be saying…any of these here Hunnies could
have been the last with your brother.
ICM
Thanks buddy. I think I’ll go check out this Roux’s boat
GIBBS
I be keeping ye company. Ye never know what be lurking in
the waters below….have I ever told ye the tale of a creature…
(ICM and GIBBS head for the river)
FYA
Hey! Ciggy Girl…have you seen Cabana Boy?
DEPPUTIZED
Would that be Juan?
FYA
Yeah, and if it’s Babs fault he’s missing again…let’s just
say I’ll rotor-roter her right off that boat.
DEPPUTIZED
BTW, fanny, love the hair.
FYA
Oh thanks…Espresso with caramel…thought I’d
honor the Hut. Now, about Juan?
DEPPUTIZED
I think he wandered off with Jenny. Something
to do with undercover work.
FYA
Undercover eh? Well, better not be under the covers.
Maybe Stripey Vest guy can help. See you later.
WILMA (calling to FYA from her booth)
Say Fanny! Help the cause…come take a ride.
I caught it in my trap last night
FYA
Jumping Magenta-phat!
I don’t ride anything that can’t cook, clean or cry my name out…
or have ‘extra fornification” and that’s spelled with f’s….you
know as in Fanny….now…I gotta go find me a Cabana Boy.
WILMA (calling after Fanny)
But each ride comes with a shot of Schnapps! Come on, give it a go.
How do you know you won’t like it till you try it?
(voice from behind)
“I’ll give it a try…but only if you
ride with me to keep me safe.
WILMA
Hell yeah! You want front or back?
STRANGER
We could do it twice…switch places…
if that’s okay.
WILMA
Sounds like a plan! And maybe later, we can switch places
but without the pachyderm.
RUSTYRED (candy booth)
Get you J Canes here! After holiday-sale! Get you canes
while they last!
*EPS and DTRENT view her goods*
DTRENT
Rusty…these aren’t J canes…they’re just candy canes,
upside down.
RUSTY (fixing cane)
It’s a J! See!
EPPS
Okay..but why are they all white?
RUSTY (whipping out edible coloring crayons)
So you can have them any color you want. I have
an assistant in the back that helps me…what color
would you like?
*DTRENT and EPS tell her the colors they want*
RUSTY
Be right back…
Let me get these to my assistant…
uhm…second thought…give me an hour…
these things take time you know…meanwhile,
help yourself to the rum.
(Slips behind curtain to join assistant)
“Come one! Come all!”
*all eyes look towards Concert Hall…NG in costume*
IDZY
NG! Didn’t recognize you boy! What’s up?
Expanding beyond cozies I see.
NG
Hello Mayor Idzy. Yes. Just a little
publicity for Debb.
IDZY
Ahh…what is the concert this month?
NG
Actually, not a concert. She’s doing a book talk
and signing of her newest publication.
(Holds up book)
It’s called ….
Humpable Horoscopes: A Deppville Interpretation to Astrology.
It’s an astrology guide and comes with its own sample
bottle of Astroglide. Won’t you join us?
*Hunnies enter Concert Hall*
DEBB
Welcome…come in, come in…Just about
to start my slide show…have a seat…that’s it…
plenty of room for all of you…all 479 of you.
I’d like to start by thanking all of you for your wonderful
support these past years here in Deppville. Namaste to you all.
A special little note of thanks to our Empress of Inspiration,
who helped me with gathering some of the info I
needed to complete this book. Uhmm….she’s not here?
IDZY (whispering to Debb)
No, something about looking for Jacket Guy…
no idea what she’s talking about.
DEBB
Oh, okay…well…then lets begin with the show…
NG, the lights please.
*slide show begins*
PICSES (THE FISH)
Feb 20- Mar 20
Even tempered, multi-talented, compassionate,
adaptable, trusting and wise is combined with
secretiveness, vagueness and easily seduced.
ARIES ( THE RAM )
March 21-April 20
They are spontaneous, curious, stimulating,
lustful, and extraordinarily exciting. They are also
impatient, restless, and impulsive.
TAURUS ( THE BULL)
April 21-May 21
Determined, good looking, sensuous,
resourceful, dependable. On the other hand
they are bull-headed, stubborn, jealous
and possessive.
GEMINI (THE TWINS)
May 22-June 21
Despite being sarcastic, two-faced, fickle,
easily bored, and nosy the Gemini is known
for being open minded, inquisitive, and
twice the fun.
CANCER (THE CRAB)
June 22-July 23
Moody, sulky, touchy, and deviousness is counter balanced
by their intuitiveness, protection, perception and compassion.
LEO (THE LION)
July 24-August 23
Pushy, pompous, brash, bossy,
arrogant and cunning helps them to be
enterprising, clever, generous, cheerful
and born to rule.
VIRGO (THE VIRGIN)
Aug 24- Sept 23
Sympathetic, charming and sexy, helpful,
creative and reliable
is offset by their constant worrying, fussiness, and
Anal-retentiveness.
LIBRA (THE SCALES)
Sept 24- Oct 23
Affectionate, flirty, fair, expressive, sincere and their romantic side
is offset by extravagance, intolerance of criticism and easily
influenced.
SCORPIO (THE SCORPION)
Suspicious, jealous, volatile, intense, and a hot temper
is balanced by their passion, loyalty, good memory, and
hypnotic sensuality.
SAGGITARIUS (THE ARCHER)
Nov.23-Dec. 21
Positive thinker, generous, carefree, frank,
and desired by everyone is tempered by their
outspokenness, bluntness, an aloof personality,
and impatience (they want it, and they want it NOW)
CAPRICORN (THE GOAT)
Dec. 22- Jan. 20
Organized, loyal, hard working, high standards,
goal oriented, and resourceful yields occasionally to their
skepticism, inability to be satisfied, and wary of all things.
AQUARIUS (THE WATER CARRIER)
Jan 21-Feb 19
Rebellious, non-committal, eccentric, unpredictable
Impartial, candid, communicative, observant,
independent and an individual…in other words..
nearly perfect
DEBB
Thanks all for coming. For a special treat, JL$ has prepared
a special dish for ringing in the New Year. Help yourself, plenty to be
enjoyed.
JL$
That’s right! Here, help me hand it out Jack.
Jack? Why is Anamarie giving you the evil eye?
“Because! He’s got no kugel!”
“I got a kugel and it works just fine thank you”
JL$
No Jack…the kugel was in the ice box.
“Oh…bugger…was that the sweet noodly looking stuff?
Ah, well…yes..the kugel was discovered, consumed and enjoyed.
In the meantime, may I offer a round of rum to all?
Let us celebrate the coming New Year….
Cheers to you all!”
DEBB
Well…shall we all go watch
the Cozy Fireworks that NG has
prepared for you with Sam’s help.
Outside everyone!
“Now, before we begin, Idzy would like
to lead us in a final song…you all have your
song sheets. She will be accompanied by
by our own Babs and her reknown pipes.
http://web.ripnet.com/~nimmos/auld_lang_syne.html
(applause , applause, applause)
NG
Oh, Idzy…Babs…it brings out the Scot in me…
BABS
Did you say Scotch? I much prefer Stella…
IDZY
And now with no further a-dew…
on with the fireworks!!!
DEBB
Well, NG…shall we go do
our own celebrating?
NG
Thought you’d never ask…
Happy New Year..
DEBB
Happy New Year
And a Happy New Year to all the Hunnies!
NEW YEAR’S EVE CHARITY FAIRE
The Concert Hall Parking Lot
Month long celebration to ring in the New Year
Visit vendors and enjoy live entertainment
Benefits the Damaged Standee Fund
for those whose standees
have been damaged by weather
or attacking canines.
JACK
Well, tis time to open the gates
Greetings Vianne, welcome to the Charity Faire, and I must say,
ye be looking like a fine lass.
VIANNE
Really? You don’t think these armpit pants make my butt look big?
(turns for Jack to admire)
JACK
Oh contraire…but I know for a fact that nothing
would make your…uhm…accruements look
even better.
VIANNE
You think nothing could make me look better?
JACK
Indeed luv…and I have exactly that in me cabin, if
ye care to join me later….
*Vianne giggles and heads into the Faire with Hunnies*
AGGIE
Get your fresh Kracken Artichokes!
6 GUN METHOD
Hmmm….how do I know these are authentic Kracken Artichokes
and how fresh are they?
AGGIE
Oh, well, Kracken artichokes are known for their special juicy insides.
A unique quality known only to the Kracken variety. Just ask Jack.
he just had one.
TOMMY
And as for freshness..the only thing fresher that these Krackens
is me…
AGGIE
Tommy! Put that Ten-Pin away!
TOMMY
I was just looking to score a strike.
AGGIE
Well, you can bowl my alley later. Right now I got artichokes
to sell!
6 G M
Give me a dozen of those Krackens. I’m still celebrating Hogmanay and
I forgot to get the stuff to make fireballs. These might make a nice
substitute. Don’t you agree Jack?
JACK
I’ll be willing t’help ya with fire balls.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hogmanay
(sometime later)
JAMES
Oh 6GM! Tell me ya dinna really use artichokes for
the Scottish New Year…and with that pirate, no less?
6GM
Seemed like a good idea at the time
(an hour earlier)
Jack, I don’t think the artichoke fireballs where a good idea…
btw, is that JL$ coming this way?
Not good! Not good!
*Back at the Faire*
SMITTEN
Say, anyone seen Jack? I need him to help me keep the Yule Log burning
if you know what I mean? I know it’s past Yule Log time, but nothing like
a burning log…*cough*
TRUDY
Jack And Yule Log! Sounds Like Fun Smitten! I’ll Help You Find Him!
I’d Love To Help Light Jack’s Yule Log!
SMITTEN AND TRUDY
Jack! Get back Here With Your Yule Log!!!!!
Not Good! Not Good!
IDZY (on public speaker)
Hello everyone! I am Mayor Idzy and
I’d like to welcome you all to First Night Out.
And as our first musical guest….
(commotion distracts Idzy…
sees Chocolat pushing way through crowd)
CHOCOLAT
Give him back!
IDZY (trying to ignore her, looking over heads of crowd)
Don’t know what you’re talking about…now as I was saying…
CHOCOLAT
Half of my Christmas gift.
IDZY
I don’t have a clue…please Choc…
I need to make announcements.
CHOCOLAT
All right! I’ll go look by myself.
(wandering in the crowd)
Please, can you help me? One minute I was walking down the
street…next…I found myself in a room full of new toilets and
without my jacket….any one? Can anyone help me?
Okay sir, just come with me…taking y’downtown,
Can’t have you bothering the Hunnies.
Please! If anyone knows where my jacket is…I’ll be
at the Deppville Detention
*all eyes go to Choc who gives sideways glance*
I’m not saying nothing ‘cept someone should go check
Babs closet as well.
FANtasticJD
You know, now that I think about it…I thought I saw something
quite similar on Russian Ebay….or was that Turkish? There’s so
much out there to buy….Choc…did you see…
CHOC
Saw nothing…heard nothing…I’m outta here…
hey Dude, how about a cappuccino…make it a double.
DUDE
You bet Choc! Still in training, but I have help.
He makes a mean gingerbreadsweet-tater latte
with extra cinnamon.
Whip my friend up one, Latte Lad.
DUDE
He’s much better than my last mentor
(lets mind drift to last Latte Teacher)
IDZY
Hello…hello (taps mike) Remember me? As I was
saying I would like to introduce our first act for the
Faire’s entertainment.
ROUX
Hello my friends. I would like to play for you
a special tune. Some of you will be familiar with it,
but Babs and I are adding a twist to it…as I play
she will do an interpretation, which is known as
“nancing” This is one of her many talents…right
up there with Babpiping
One…two…one, two, three….
“You make me feel like nancing…gonna nance the night away”
*suddenly Roux stops playing*
BABS
Roux, darling, I can’t do my act without music.
What’s the matter?
ROUX
You’re giving me ideas
BABS
Babpiping?
ROUX
To the boat!
NOTABENE
Hey! Come one…I’m only here for a short time
I need to be entertained.
LITTLE ANGEL
I hear ya Nota…hey…let’s head over there.
*runs to join crowd at stage with hanging white sheet,
light showing thru to reflect shadows*
MOHO
Welcome! To the MoHo’s Magnificent Shadow Shifter.
With your indulgence…my assistant will show you the
first shadow
LITTLE ANGEL
Old George in Blow!!
*MoHo rolls eyes, moves to next imitation*
PRICESA
Fedora Guy! And is that Raphael? Hey wait!
How did she do two shadows?
*Behind curtain*
SHOOTER
I think you stole my shadow…
or at least my hat…
MORT
You’re not suppose to be backstage…rubbernecker…
get out front with the rest of the paying customers.
MoHo…a little help.
MOHO
*peeks behind curtain*
Two of you! Well Shake and Bake me, if this
isn’t a recipe for trouble. But I think I can take the
two of you on…isn’t that couch in the Hut a pull out?
MORT
MoHo!
*crowd moves to next booth…
MPJ sees PAMELA with sunglasses*
MPJ
What’s up with the shades Miss P?
PAMELA
I walked by your house on the way here, just wanted to protect
my eyes. Didn’t want to go blind. That place is as nearly as
shiny as Sam’s ears.
MPJ
Yeah, I hear ya. There’s better ways to go blind if you know
what I mean.
JACK
Did I hear someone mention “shiny”?
PAM
Yeah…so shiny it can blind you.
MPJ
Speaking of which, have you blinded anyone today Jack?
JACK *saunters over to MPJ and PAM*
Let me see…how's this luv?
PAMELA
Blind me Jack! Blind me!
*lines forms to the right for blinding*
CELINE approaches next vendor
“My Cricket…this is some set-up…lip smacking good…
and speaking of lips…I know a fine pair of lips I would
love to lick BBQ sauce off of”
CRICKET
Yeah, was inspired by my trip to Memphis.
Fell in love with the cuisine. Thought I’d bring
a bit back to share. And to top it off, Axel had
my likeness painted on the side of his plane.
*sees woman in disguise*
CRICKET
Jenny? Is that you? What are you doing?
JENNY
Hush! I’m undercover for the DeppvilleGazette.
Secret assignment for the most asked question
of our Founding Father.
That is….what does he smell like?
“Ahh…Jenny….please…I am on the same mission.
Perhaps we can join forces together….partner up, as they say?
JENNY
Can’t imagine partnering with anyone else….
You are the “Juan” for me…get it, get it…
DJD
Yes, my love, I reward you for your sense of humor
JENNY
Well, if you liked that I got more where that came from!
DJD
And I look forward to rewarding you handsomely.
*Jenny and DJD go off on mission*
CROPALOT
Say, anyone seen Jenny?
I’m the newspaper’s photographer.
You might have seen my work?
Won an award for the ever popular….
“Watching Paint Dry”
I was over trying to take a pic of MPJ’s house
but nearly burned out my retina when I looked
through the lens…
JOHHNYSGIRL
Can I come with you? I’ve been a good girl.
(whispers)
Not like my twin…she was on the naughty list you know?
CROP
I don’t know JG. It’s suppose to be a covert operation.
Little hard when you got whats-his-name trailing behind.
He stands out like leg warmers and sweatshirts at a fancy-to-do
JG
Oh, this is just Candy Cane Guy
He promises to be good too.
CROP
Well, okay. Sit down here on this curb and sign waivers.
Besides, I can use extra eyes. Mine are still seeing spots
from those Christmas lights. Maybe I can go borrow Pam’s shades.
Wait, maybe this guy will lend me his.
How about it, Ice Cream Man?
“Oh hello down there…Nice flip flops.
.I’m looking for my brother…have you seen him?
My height,my color…except he tends to wear black…
kind of the Johnny Cash look.
Said he had to go look for his missing jacket.
CROP
Sorry, I give no info without a signature…
ICM
There you go…now, how much do you know
about my brother?
CROP
Here’s a list of names you might want to try.
ICM
Babs? Chocolat? Idzy?
Hut? Shoppe? Toidy Town?
Ok…I’ll give it a go. Where do I start looking?
CROP
Just ask any of the vendors. They
can point you in the right direction.
*wanders to vendor, reads sign*
LICKY LICKY CIGGIES
ICM
Excuse me…I need some help.
DEPPUTIZED
(rolling cheroot, hands off to assistant)
Finish this please….
(turns to ICM)
Need help licking something? I’m your gal.
I mean…yes…yes…do you need something to
smoke? I know looking at you I’m smoking
already…I mean…what can I do for you?
ICM
I’m looking for these women.
(shows list)
DEPPUTIZED
You know,these are my Deppsisters. How do I know
you’re not some pervert or something. Why do you want
them? (I know I want you)
ICM
I’m told they were the last to see my brother…Jack…
DEPPUTIZED
Jack? Jack’s your brother? Why didn’t you say so..he’s
over…
ICM
No, no…not Jack…Jacket….Jacket Guy.
DEPPUTIZED
Oh…him…yeah…I saw him. In fact, I think
it would be Babs you need to talk to. If I recall,
she was the last one to touch him…I mean…
well you know what I mean…
(ME recalls last moment)
GIBBS
If ye be believing in that sort of thing
ICM
Excuse me?
GIBBS
I’m just saying Mister…Ms. Babs not be da last one
to see yer brother. (shows pic)
ICM (To ME)
Turn around…
DEPPUTIZED
Hmmmm….kinky….(turns around for him)
GIBBS
I just be saying…any of these here Hunnies could
have been the last with your brother.
ICM
Thanks buddy. I think I’ll go check out this Roux’s boat
GIBBS
I be keeping ye company. Ye never know what be lurking in
the waters below….have I ever told ye the tale of a creature…
(ICM and GIBBS head for the river)
FYA
Hey! Ciggy Girl…have you seen Cabana Boy?
DEPPUTIZED
Would that be Juan?
FYA
Yeah, and if it’s Babs fault he’s missing again…let’s just
say I’ll rotor-roter her right off that boat.
DEPPUTIZED
BTW, fanny, love the hair.
FYA
Oh thanks…Espresso with caramel…thought I’d
honor the Hut. Now, about Juan?
DEPPUTIZED
I think he wandered off with Jenny. Something
to do with undercover work.
FYA
Undercover eh? Well, better not be under the covers.
Maybe Stripey Vest guy can help. See you later.
WILMA (calling to FYA from her booth)
Say Fanny! Help the cause…come take a ride.
I caught it in my trap last night
FYA
Jumping Magenta-phat!
I don’t ride anything that can’t cook, clean or cry my name out…
or have ‘extra fornification” and that’s spelled with f’s….you
know as in Fanny….now…I gotta go find me a Cabana Boy.
WILMA (calling after Fanny)
But each ride comes with a shot of Schnapps! Come on, give it a go.
How do you know you won’t like it till you try it?
(voice from behind)
“I’ll give it a try…but only if you
ride with me to keep me safe.
WILMA
Hell yeah! You want front or back?
STRANGER
We could do it twice…switch places…
if that’s okay.
WILMA
Sounds like a plan! And maybe later, we can switch places
but without the pachyderm.
RUSTYRED (candy booth)
Get you J Canes here! After holiday-sale! Get you canes
while they last!
*EPS and DTRENT view her goods*
DTRENT
Rusty…these aren’t J canes…they’re just candy canes,
upside down.
RUSTY (fixing cane)
It’s a J! See!
EPPS
Okay..but why are they all white?
RUSTY (whipping out edible coloring crayons)
So you can have them any color you want. I have
an assistant in the back that helps me…what color
would you like?
*DTRENT and EPS tell her the colors they want*
RUSTY
Be right back…
Let me get these to my assistant…
uhm…second thought…give me an hour…
these things take time you know…meanwhile,
help yourself to the rum.
(Slips behind curtain to join assistant)
“Come one! Come all!”
*all eyes look towards Concert Hall…NG in costume*
IDZY
NG! Didn’t recognize you boy! What’s up?
Expanding beyond cozies I see.
NG
Hello Mayor Idzy. Yes. Just a little
publicity for Debb.
IDZY
Ahh…what is the concert this month?
NG
Actually, not a concert. She’s doing a book talk
and signing of her newest publication.
(Holds up book)
It’s called ….
Humpable Horoscopes: A Deppville Interpretation to Astrology.
It’s an astrology guide and comes with its own sample
bottle of Astroglide. Won’t you join us?
*Hunnies enter Concert Hall*
DEBB
Welcome…come in, come in…Just about
to start my slide show…have a seat…that’s it…
plenty of room for all of you…all 479 of you.
I’d like to start by thanking all of you for your wonderful
support these past years here in Deppville. Namaste to you all.
A special little note of thanks to our Empress of Inspiration,
who helped me with gathering some of the info I
needed to complete this book. Uhmm….she’s not here?
IDZY (whispering to Debb)
No, something about looking for Jacket Guy…
no idea what she’s talking about.
DEBB
Oh, okay…well…then lets begin with the show…
NG, the lights please.
*slide show begins*
PICSES (THE FISH)
Feb 20- Mar 20
Even tempered, multi-talented, compassionate,
adaptable, trusting and wise is combined with
secretiveness, vagueness and easily seduced.
ARIES ( THE RAM )
March 21-April 20
They are spontaneous, curious, stimulating,
lustful, and extraordinarily exciting. They are also
impatient, restless, and impulsive.
TAURUS ( THE BULL)
April 21-May 21
Determined, good looking, sensuous,
resourceful, dependable. On the other hand
they are bull-headed, stubborn, jealous
and possessive.
GEMINI (THE TWINS)
May 22-June 21
Despite being sarcastic, two-faced, fickle,
easily bored, and nosy the Gemini is known
for being open minded, inquisitive, and
twice the fun.
CANCER (THE CRAB)
June 22-July 23
Moody, sulky, touchy, and deviousness is counter balanced
by their intuitiveness, protection, perception and compassion.
LEO (THE LION)
July 24-August 23
Pushy, pompous, brash, bossy,
arrogant and cunning helps them to be
enterprising, clever, generous, cheerful
and born to rule.
VIRGO (THE VIRGIN)
Aug 24- Sept 23
Sympathetic, charming and sexy, helpful,
creative and reliable
is offset by their constant worrying, fussiness, and
Anal-retentiveness.
LIBRA (THE SCALES)
Sept 24- Oct 23
Affectionate, flirty, fair, expressive, sincere and their romantic side
is offset by extravagance, intolerance of criticism and easily
influenced.
SCORPIO (THE SCORPION)
Suspicious, jealous, volatile, intense, and a hot temper
is balanced by their passion, loyalty, good memory, and
hypnotic sensuality.
SAGGITARIUS (THE ARCHER)
Nov.23-Dec. 21
Positive thinker, generous, carefree, frank,
and desired by everyone is tempered by their
outspokenness, bluntness, an aloof personality,
and impatience (they want it, and they want it NOW)
CAPRICORN (THE GOAT)
Dec. 22- Jan. 20
Organized, loyal, hard working, high standards,
goal oriented, and resourceful yields occasionally to their
skepticism, inability to be satisfied, and wary of all things.
AQUARIUS (THE WATER CARRIER)
Jan 21-Feb 19
Rebellious, non-committal, eccentric, unpredictable
Impartial, candid, communicative, observant,
independent and an individual…in other words..
nearly perfect
DEBB
Thanks all for coming. For a special treat, JL$ has prepared
a special dish for ringing in the New Year. Help yourself, plenty to be
enjoyed.
JL$
That’s right! Here, help me hand it out Jack.
Jack? Why is Anamarie giving you the evil eye?
“Because! He’s got no kugel!”
“I got a kugel and it works just fine thank you”
JL$
No Jack…the kugel was in the ice box.
“Oh…bugger…was that the sweet noodly looking stuff?
Ah, well…yes..the kugel was discovered, consumed and enjoyed.
In the meantime, may I offer a round of rum to all?
Let us celebrate the coming New Year….
Cheers to you all!”
DEBB
Well…shall we all go watch
the Cozy Fireworks that NG has
prepared for you with Sam’s help.
Outside everyone!
“Now, before we begin, Idzy would like
to lead us in a final song…you all have your
song sheets. She will be accompanied by
by our own Babs and her reknown pipes.
http://web.ripnet.com/~nimmos/auld_lang_syne.html
(applause , applause, applause)
NG
Oh, Idzy…Babs…it brings out the Scot in me…
BABS
Did you say Scotch? I much prefer Stella…
IDZY
And now with no further a-dew…
on with the fireworks!!!
DEBB
Well, NG…shall we go do
our own celebrating?
NG
Thought you’d never ask…
Happy New Year..
DEBB
Happy New Year
And a Happy New Year to all the Hunnies!