12-27-2007, 10:40 PM
MARCH 2007 CONCERT
My Fair Fanny
A Wilmot Remake
ACT ONE
The Ten Belles
IDZY
Hey will some one help me with this load of cabbage.
MYCaptainsWENCH
Idzy, why are you bringing that in here?
IDZY
I heard some woman was bringing hers and I thought…
“Why should the customers bring their own food?”
and since it’s March and St.Paddy’s Day coming up,
well what better way to celebrate
the month…
MCW
Idzy, the woman was referring to her dog…
it’s French for cabbage, yes,
but it’s an endearment.
She didn’t mean she wanted cabbage.
IDZY
Shit, I’m screwed.
What the hell am I gonna do with all this?
“I’ll take it off yer hands, luv…
before that Irish Gypsy gets his hands on it”
IDZY
That’s great Leppy Man.
Was afraid I was going to explode wondering
what I was going to do with it all.
Was starting to think, cabbage fritters, cabbage dumpling, cabbage kraut… you know the gambit.
Okay, off to help Pricesa. Seems she’s lost some
puzzle pieces. Hey! Pricesa…let’s go check NG’s cozy!
THE EARL leaves tavern with cronies to discover it raining.
WILMOT
This confounded rain.
Is there not a Hanson cab to be found?
You …there…
(Points to woman blowing nose)
Here is a coin. Call us a cab so we may be off.
FANNY (snatches coin)
Okay…ya be a cab. Well, lookie at dat will ya?
Called ya a cab and ye still here, gov’ner.
As for’en da off part, well, you was that
befor-in ya all came out here.
Course, if ya haven’t gotten off yet,
Fanny’s got a trick or two to help ya
(shuffles across street in mutlucks, stuffing coin in cleavage)
WILMOT
There she goes ,snuffling and shuffling, into the world.
CAPT. JACK SPARROW
Oh Wilmot, the lass took yer coin.
WILMOT
So she did. Along with my audible senses.
Tis a burden put upon those born to such
environments that the English language is mangled so.
Ah, but if I could have but one
Of these, I should show my theory that
even the lowliest ragamuffin can be transformed
to a more social standing that even the King
would not see behind the masquerade.
CJS
Ol’Jack will take that bet
WILMOT
A bet? What is the wager?
CJS
That his Lordship’s theory is for naught.
Ye can’t take an alley cat and turn it into a fine pussy.
Look, I got some authentic Aztec gold to back the bet.
WILMOT
Your offer is inspiring…I accept!
I shall prove myself by making a selection
and present the end result on my arm to the King.
(Points to the group still under the portico)
I will take that Ragamuffin lounging on the steps.
CJS
Sorry mate, but Ol’Jack will be doing the picking.
Let me just check the compass and wait for it…wait for it…
(group watches as compass begins to point….)
HOPE
Oh! Oh! It’s heading for me.
CJS
Nay, ye be abandoned luv, see the arrow’s still moving.
WINNIE-THE-SHITS
Here ya go govn’r. Pay ya 4 squids to pick me.
Even throw in an octopus.
Maybe even a Kracken if ye like.
CJS
What?
WinTS
What?
FRED
Keep yer eye on the compass Jack.
(Compass lingers between WILMA and SMITTEN
gang looks over…sees them sitting on steps rubbing each others hair)
SMITTEN (holding up dryer sheet)
Tis the best remedy ye know for the ‘statics’.
Should try it captain.
WILMA (holds up wiggly brown creature)
And if that don’t work, try a bat.
SMITTEN
A bat! Ye be rubbing my hair with a bat!
(runs off to the Safeway to get “Bat-Away” on sale…buy 10 get one free)
WILMA starts laughing hysterically…gets shocked look…
jumps up and runs off
“Ewwe…what’s this yellow puddle? Certainly not Giselle…”
WILMOT
Enough Sparrow…I am getting quite bored
RUSTYRED (to Mort)
Well, I see the problem.
That compass needs a bit of tweaking.
Have the Captain use this.
MORT
A wiener?
LARALNZY
And a long and happy one at that! Tee Hee!
RUSTYRED
It’s magnetized. Did it meself?
MORT
You magnetized a wiener? How’d you do that?
RUSTYRED
Like this…
WILMOT
What of that one?
(Considers QuietPirate)
JACK
Too quiet…tis the quiet ones ye got to keep
a sharp eye on….no, we best
be keeping our eye on the compass…
ah…tis slowing down…yes…yes…
That one!
WILMOT
Fanny? Tis not a fair wager!
CJS
His Lordship said anyone…tis me coin, I get to choose.
Now, there’s the lass, teach her a few things
to do with her mouth…
I be meaning that in a phonetic way…
and before you know it,
Fanny’s Your Aunt and Bob’s Your Uncle
and you’ll be stuck…I mean…
you’ll have your Canuck Duck transformed into a Swan
WILMOT
So be it!
(Shake hands, make an accord)
FANNY (From across street)
Hey gov’ner! Here be yer cab…opph!
Too late…take it for meself,
beings I got this here nice coin to pay for it with!
Home James!
JAMES
She could not possibly be meaning me….
CROP (to gang)
If his Lordship thinks Fanny can be pussified,
he be in for a surprise, he is!
CHOCOLAT
You be right fair Cropalot.
Especially since that was not a hankie she was using
but my last good clean white sock!
MIROUX
No frets luv. Here, help yerself to one of me fine pink roses.
CHOCOLAT
Ah, Miroux, you always come through.
MIROUX
That be two-bits please.
CHOCOLAT (rolling eyes, as she pays)
Whatever. Well, at least I gots me Ragamuffin
to keep me as warm as a hot toddie…
And he’s got the best toddie in town! Toodle-loo!
(winks, runs off…singing “Do you know the Ragamuffin Man?)
ACT TWO
(Early next morning)
ELIZABETH
My lord…you walked all the way from London?
WILMOT
That Canuck wench stole my cab! Alcock!
GIBBS
Sorry laddie, Alcock’s out sick,
something about a box of wine.
He asked me if I’d hanker a bit of the gold
and fill in fer him. So, what’s it you be needing of Ol’Gibbs.
WILMOT
What? You are telling me I have no Alcock?
GIBBS
Well’en…I not one to be carrying tales and all,
but from what I be seeing, ye got that and more…
WILMOT
What’s that?
GIBBS (looks away embarrassed)
I be meaning…aye…ye got Gibbs today.
LATER THAT DAY, WILMOT and CJS ARE DEBATING
WITH FELLOW CRONIES
CJS
But gentlemen, tis true, a drawlings worth a thousand words.
JAMES
I disagree sir. The pen is mightier than the sword!
WILMOT
That depends Sir James, what sword of which one speaks.
I find my sword speaks volumes in the right company.
JAMES
Pray then Johnny, which sword do you speak?
JAMES
I never!
BABS (sitting down to comfort JAMES)
Never, Sir James? Perhaps you should try
my special spinach dip. Exotic ingredients.
Just ask the Captain.
BABS
That’s not funny Captain! That doesn’t do any good.
CJS
It does for me.
BABS
Well! I never!
CJS
Then maybe ye best try some of your own dip.
BABS
Dip this!
(tosses bowl)
CJS
Love when she gets feisty. Roux’s got his hands
full with that one,he does.
Now where were we? Ah, yes, drawlings…
GIBBS
Begging your lordships pardon,
but there be a lady at the door.
Says she was sent for…
sometin’ bout lessons if me hearing serves me.
(wiggles finger in ear…fearing he’s getting an infection)
CJS
Ah! She’s come! Our bonny lass. Send her in Gibbs!
GIBBS fetches FANNY who follows him into the ‘drawling room’
JACK rushes over to escort her into the room.
FANNY (slaps hand off arm)
Hey! Hands off me filthy pirate!
Ye not paid for that! I’s a lady I am!
GENTLE GEORGE
Ah, yes, his mistake. Perhaps Johnny you best throw in the towel, or in this case, the white sock.
FANNY
This is a good sock it is! Holds all I got. Watch.
(Blows into sock…men make disgusted faces)
Ellie’s got the best socks in town I tell ya.
If ya need a gross I’s be willing to set you up.
WILMOT
No thank you kind lady.
I think we’ve been grossed enough.
FANNY
Suit yerself.
(plops down on sofa, crosses legs, pets mutlucks)
JAMES
Well, Rochester.
I’d say, the time’s come for us to depart
so you may begin your work.
Oh…my…seems you’ve got a wet spot on the floor.
WILMOT
Ah, yes…dearest Giselle.
She was with me last night. Afraid she was done in.
Gibbs! Please see that Mistress Giselle is taken to her room.
CELINE runs in past GIBBS
CELINE
No one touches Giselle but me!
Here ya go sweetie…I got your back…I mean
puddle.
(Grabs hankie from WILMOT,
sops up Giselle, wonders what to do with wet hankie…
wrings out in nearby jar)
CJS
Me jar of dirt!
Ah, well…guess the lass goes home with ol’Jack.
WILMOT
Gibbs…call for Lady Pamela.
This one needs a bath before anything.
FANNY
Ahhh…I don’t need no bath!
What’s ya gotta go and do that for?
WILMOT
Lady Pamela will see to it that you will
be made nice and shiny.
But I want to be nice and shiny
AGGIE
Psst…Fanny..it’s good to be shiny.
FANNY
But I’s don’t want Lady Pamela making me shiny!
AGGIE
No, no…she assigns her footman to do it.
FANNY
Footman ye say? Let me have a go then.
VIANNE (enters WILMOT’s quarters carrying food tray…drops to desk)
What pray tell is this Vianne?
VIANNE
Pickles and paczkis.
And yeah, no chocolate…I do hope you weren’t expecting
that. Cuz, if so, you can go step in what the dog left behind.
WILMOT
You’re a regular ray of fucking sunshine aren’t you?
VIANNE
Yeah, don’t forget it either.
Now excuse me, I’m off for my German language lessons.
Listen to this… “Ich mag nusse des gefuhl eichornchens”.
That means, “I’m feeling squirrely”
WILMOT
I do hate to inform you Vi,
but you just said “I like feeling squirrels nuts”
VI
What? What till I get my hands on that Wonka!!!!
ACT THREE
LADY ANNE (Wilmots mother)
I understand son that you have taken on a prodigy.
I do fear you will not find a lady behind those mutlucks!
WILMOT
I plan on digging deeper mother…past the mutlucks.
LADY ANNE
Well! I never! (runs from room)
WILMOT
If you have never mother,
perhaps you should try some of the special spinach dip!
(remembers first time he tried Babs dip)
FANNY
Well, govn’r. Here I am, all nice and shiny.
Whatcha think?
WILMOT
What is that in your hands young Fanny?
FANNY
This book? Tis nothing.
WILMOT
It looks a bit…slimey.
FANNY
That? Just olive oil. Only way I could get it out of Debb’s hands. You know here
don’t ya gov’nr…I mean your Lordshit…I mean Lordship.
WILMOT
Ah, yes. She worked hard beneath me to earn that quill.
Very well, put the book down
and we will start with alliteration.
FANNY
“Literation…whys, I only threw one or two of them
Stella bottles the carriage.
I don’t normally alliterate! Honest Govn’r!”
WILMOT
I meant we will begin your mouth exercises.
FANNY
I’s a good girl I am!
WILMOT
So I have heard. Shall we…
FANNY
If ya insist EARLy.
(Wilmot begins to tell her that is not alliteration,
but decides to wait)
WILMOT
Alas, I feel as if this is going nowhere.
FANNY
Well, it’s not like its my fault ya know!
WILMOT
Let us try a new exercise
Repeat, after me.
FANNY
After me.
WILMOT
What?
FANNY
What?
WILMOT
Stop that!
FANNY
Stop that!
WILMOT
Never mind (gives Fanny hard look to make her stop)
FANNY
Just pulling your hankie..or should I say white sock.
(waves sock)
WILMOT
Please, put that away. Now say this…
The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
FANNY
What? Now you’re the weather man?
WILMOT (exasperated)
I will be at the Ten Belles
(Later at the Belles)
Barkeep! I need a smoke! Send my ME!
ME
You rang me Lord? Need a lick me Lord?
My tongue is yours.
Then do it ME….let me see you lick.
And afters, I want you to climb
aboard the bull.
ME
Hmmm…is that what me Lord’s calling it now?
I can lick and climb at the
same time. Shall I show you?
WILMOT
My homunculus wishes. Proceed.
ME
Oh, I love it when His Lordship talks about his little man.
(ME proceeds to lick and ride the bull)
WILMOT distracted by woman at vending machine
WILMOT
Who pray tell is that?
The one stuffing her mouth with the Hostess Ho Ho’s
MORTS MISTRESS
That be Dude, your Grace.
But if ye be looking for the real thing, I be it.
Morstsmistress the name.
I be the best Ho Hostess in town.
WILMOT
And are you as good as chocolate?
MOHO
Chocolat? She here?
WILMOT
I did not say Chocolat (looks around just to be sure)
I said chocolate.
MOHO
I can be and do anything you want,
as long as you don’t have the Marines watching.
Or that Gibbs. (shudders)
WILMOT
I will keep you in mind. Fanny! What brings you here?
FANNY
If the Stella don’t come to the Fanny,
Fanny comes to the Stella!
Hey whelp! Bring me one for each hand before I slap ya!
JL4
I don’t get paid enough for this abuse!
WILMOT
You won’t be paid at all, especially
if you keep missing Hump Day.
JL4
Oh, yeah, right. Okay.
Put it that way. Two Stellas coming up.
Would help if JG showed up to help now and again.
Two Stellas. There you go
(Fanny downs the two Stellas, Wilmot watches intently.)
Mayhap I have bitten off more than I can chew.
FANNY (finishes Stella, wipes mouth, and says clearly)
The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
WILMOT
What was that?
FANNY
The rain is Spain falls mainly on the plain
WILMOT
Again!
FANNY
Hey, I ain’t no parrot. Take it or leave it.
WILMOT
Very well! I will take it and I will take you
now to see the King!
Call me my cab!
FANNY
Oh, not that again…
ACT FOUR
THE KINGS BALL
Cricket64 (arguing with Guardsman)
Blake, I tell ya, I got a reservation to the Ball.
Damn it! Why didn’t Charles employ Guardsmen
from the other side of the world? I’d get a better response.
WILMOT
My dear fellow, please allow the
Lady Cricket into the ball. I will vouch for her.
BLAKE
But you vouch for all the ladies Lord Rochester.
WILMOT
And I will continue to do so.
Don’t make me draw my sword.
CRICKET
Oh, please do Johnny…
I love it when you draw your sword
and I don’t mean with pen on paper
if you know what I mean.
BLAKE allows Cricket to pass.
TRUDY
Oh My! A Ball! I Just Love Balls! Don’t You?
Oh Look Who I’m Asking! Of Course You Love Balls You’re Lord Rochester.
Bet You Never Met A Ball You Didn’t Like!
I’ll Show You Some Baby Pictures Later.
Right Now, I Have To Find The Nanny.
Okay…Going In! See You On The Dance Floor
Your Lordship!
JENNY
Excuse me your lordship.
Could I get a quote or two about your newest project?
*licks tip of pencil to start writing*
WILMOT
Perhaps Mistress Jenny,
later you can show me the finer points of tip licking.
For now, may I present, Lady Fanny, f
rom across the pond. She’s Canadian.
JENNY
Sorry to hear that.
Well, would you like to give us a few words
yourself Lady Fanny.
FANNY
The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
JENNY
Yeah? Good to know if I ever go to Spain.
Maybe I’ll catch you later.
FANNY
Why I oughta….
(Swings hand in attempt to slap)
WILMOT
Fanny, slapping is not acceptable in front of the King.
FANNY
Well, I wasn’t doing it in front of the King was I?
I was doing it behind that
newshounds back. Let me at her…
(Wilmot grabs Fanny to keep from rushing at Jenny)
WILMOT
Perhaps you and Jenny can tussle later.
I know some of the Merry Gang might pay
a good coin to see that.
FAVEDARKNESS (curtsies)
Your Lordship. Your Ladyship. I am Mistress FaveD.
FANNY
Yeah, yeah…I think everyone’s Early-boy’s mistress.
WILMOT
No Fanny, that’s a title. Yes, Mistress FaveD,
allow me to present Lady Fanny.
She has been taking language lessons from Wonka,
but I would be in your good grace
if you would teach her Romanian.
FAVE D
An honor your Lordship.
Here is your first lesson Lady Fanny.
"Imi place sa ating nucile veveritelor" *
(Fanny repeats)
FAVE D
Good, now just repeat that to the King.
He’ll be so impressed.
WILMOT escorts FANNY towards the throne
WONKA sidles up to FAVE D
WONKA
Hey that was cool. What did you just teach her?
FAVE D
“I like to touch squirrel’s nuts.”
WONKA and FAVE D go off laughing.
KING CHARLES
Where is my Stephanie?
She was suppose to be here with me tonight.
FOOTMAN
You sent her to the Tower of London, Your Majesty.
KING CHARLES
What? No…no…not the Tower of London.
I sent her to the Tower of Terror…that ride.
Oh dear…please go fetch her.
I shall never hear the end of this now.
Maybe send her to the pirate.
She likes his cannons.
That will make up for it. Now, what do we have here?
WILMOT
May I present Lady Fanny, from Canada.
KING CHARLES
Nice mutlucks.
FANNY
Thank you your Majesty. . Finest beaver in town.
CHARLES
Ah, may I pet your beaver?
FANNY
Don’t think so Chuck.
CHARLES
I am King. I may pet whatever I want.
(reaches out to touch)
FANNY (smacking hand)
Hey! What-d’I say?
The only one that touches Fanny’s beaver is Juan.
CHARLES
Juan? I don’t believe I know Juan.
FANNY
Well, you know what they say Chucky…
ya know Juan ya know them all!
LOL. Get it? Get it?
CHARLES
I believe so.
Perhaps Lady Fanny needs a trip to the Tower.
(beckons Guardsmen)
WILMOT
Well freeze my piss,
you got the Royal Finger Fanny. Be proud luv.
FANNY (crying as Guardsmen drag her off)
Yeah, well I got’s me own finger
and that’s not telling your adoring subjects
your number one either! Mits off me!
You’re gonna hear from my lawyer..
I mean once he’s done with that Anna Nicole shit…
and if not…Cabana Boy will save me!
Wilmot …stop em man!
What the hell you going to do about this?
WILMOT
There she goes…sniveling off into the world.
So much for angels on pinheads.
CURTAIN FALLS
DEBB (stepping out to stage)
And that is it…there is no prologue…
but we do have an epilogue…
The next day her mutlucks were found in the cell,
as Cabana Boy arrived and slathered her with oil
and with a few twists and turns,
slipped her through the bars and into the night
where it was reported that she and Juan
were seen running up the Railroad Tracks.
Adieu my fair Hunnies…until next month.
*Thanks to my Romanian translator, FaveD for giving
Fanny the proper enuciation on how to touch squirrel nuts*
My Fair Fanny
A Wilmot Remake
ACT ONE
The Ten Belles
IDZY
Hey will some one help me with this load of cabbage.
MYCaptainsWENCH
Idzy, why are you bringing that in here?
IDZY
I heard some woman was bringing hers and I thought…
“Why should the customers bring their own food?”
and since it’s March and St.Paddy’s Day coming up,
well what better way to celebrate
the month…
MCW
Idzy, the woman was referring to her dog…
it’s French for cabbage, yes,
but it’s an endearment.
She didn’t mean she wanted cabbage.
IDZY
Shit, I’m screwed.
What the hell am I gonna do with all this?
“I’ll take it off yer hands, luv…
before that Irish Gypsy gets his hands on it”
IDZY
That’s great Leppy Man.
Was afraid I was going to explode wondering
what I was going to do with it all.
Was starting to think, cabbage fritters, cabbage dumpling, cabbage kraut… you know the gambit.
Okay, off to help Pricesa. Seems she’s lost some
puzzle pieces. Hey! Pricesa…let’s go check NG’s cozy!
THE EARL leaves tavern with cronies to discover it raining.
WILMOT
This confounded rain.
Is there not a Hanson cab to be found?
You …there…
(Points to woman blowing nose)
Here is a coin. Call us a cab so we may be off.
FANNY (snatches coin)
Okay…ya be a cab. Well, lookie at dat will ya?
Called ya a cab and ye still here, gov’ner.
As for’en da off part, well, you was that
befor-in ya all came out here.
Course, if ya haven’t gotten off yet,
Fanny’s got a trick or two to help ya
(shuffles across street in mutlucks, stuffing coin in cleavage)
WILMOT
There she goes ,snuffling and shuffling, into the world.
CAPT. JACK SPARROW
Oh Wilmot, the lass took yer coin.
WILMOT
So she did. Along with my audible senses.
Tis a burden put upon those born to such
environments that the English language is mangled so.
Ah, but if I could have but one
Of these, I should show my theory that
even the lowliest ragamuffin can be transformed
to a more social standing that even the King
would not see behind the masquerade.
CJS
Ol’Jack will take that bet
WILMOT
A bet? What is the wager?
CJS
That his Lordship’s theory is for naught.
Ye can’t take an alley cat and turn it into a fine pussy.
Look, I got some authentic Aztec gold to back the bet.
WILMOT
Your offer is inspiring…I accept!
I shall prove myself by making a selection
and present the end result on my arm to the King.
(Points to the group still under the portico)
I will take that Ragamuffin lounging on the steps.
CJS
Sorry mate, but Ol’Jack will be doing the picking.
Let me just check the compass and wait for it…wait for it…
(group watches as compass begins to point….)
HOPE
Oh! Oh! It’s heading for me.
CJS
Nay, ye be abandoned luv, see the arrow’s still moving.
WINNIE-THE-SHITS
Here ya go govn’r. Pay ya 4 squids to pick me.
Even throw in an octopus.
Maybe even a Kracken if ye like.
CJS
What?
WinTS
What?
FRED
Keep yer eye on the compass Jack.
(Compass lingers between WILMA and SMITTEN
gang looks over…sees them sitting on steps rubbing each others hair)
SMITTEN (holding up dryer sheet)
Tis the best remedy ye know for the ‘statics’.
Should try it captain.
WILMA (holds up wiggly brown creature)
And if that don’t work, try a bat.
SMITTEN
A bat! Ye be rubbing my hair with a bat!
(runs off to the Safeway to get “Bat-Away” on sale…buy 10 get one free)
WILMA starts laughing hysterically…gets shocked look…
jumps up and runs off
“Ewwe…what’s this yellow puddle? Certainly not Giselle…”
WILMOT
Enough Sparrow…I am getting quite bored
RUSTYRED (to Mort)
Well, I see the problem.
That compass needs a bit of tweaking.
Have the Captain use this.
MORT
A wiener?
LARALNZY
And a long and happy one at that! Tee Hee!
RUSTYRED
It’s magnetized. Did it meself?
MORT
You magnetized a wiener? How’d you do that?
RUSTYRED
Like this…
WILMOT
What of that one?
(Considers QuietPirate)
JACK
Too quiet…tis the quiet ones ye got to keep
a sharp eye on….no, we best
be keeping our eye on the compass…
ah…tis slowing down…yes…yes…
That one!
WILMOT
Fanny? Tis not a fair wager!
CJS
His Lordship said anyone…tis me coin, I get to choose.
Now, there’s the lass, teach her a few things
to do with her mouth…
I be meaning that in a phonetic way…
and before you know it,
Fanny’s Your Aunt and Bob’s Your Uncle
and you’ll be stuck…I mean…
you’ll have your Canuck Duck transformed into a Swan
WILMOT
So be it!
(Shake hands, make an accord)
FANNY (From across street)
Hey gov’ner! Here be yer cab…opph!
Too late…take it for meself,
beings I got this here nice coin to pay for it with!
Home James!
JAMES
She could not possibly be meaning me….
CROP (to gang)
If his Lordship thinks Fanny can be pussified,
he be in for a surprise, he is!
CHOCOLAT
You be right fair Cropalot.
Especially since that was not a hankie she was using
but my last good clean white sock!
MIROUX
No frets luv. Here, help yerself to one of me fine pink roses.
CHOCOLAT
Ah, Miroux, you always come through.
MIROUX
That be two-bits please.
CHOCOLAT (rolling eyes, as she pays)
Whatever. Well, at least I gots me Ragamuffin
to keep me as warm as a hot toddie…
And he’s got the best toddie in town! Toodle-loo!
(winks, runs off…singing “Do you know the Ragamuffin Man?)
ACT TWO
(Early next morning)
ELIZABETH
My lord…you walked all the way from London?
WILMOT
That Canuck wench stole my cab! Alcock!
GIBBS
Sorry laddie, Alcock’s out sick,
something about a box of wine.
He asked me if I’d hanker a bit of the gold
and fill in fer him. So, what’s it you be needing of Ol’Gibbs.
WILMOT
What? You are telling me I have no Alcock?
GIBBS
Well’en…I not one to be carrying tales and all,
but from what I be seeing, ye got that and more…
WILMOT
What’s that?
GIBBS (looks away embarrassed)
I be meaning…aye…ye got Gibbs today.
LATER THAT DAY, WILMOT and CJS ARE DEBATING
WITH FELLOW CRONIES
CJS
But gentlemen, tis true, a drawlings worth a thousand words.
JAMES
I disagree sir. The pen is mightier than the sword!
WILMOT
That depends Sir James, what sword of which one speaks.
I find my sword speaks volumes in the right company.
JAMES
Pray then Johnny, which sword do you speak?
JAMES
I never!
BABS (sitting down to comfort JAMES)
Never, Sir James? Perhaps you should try
my special spinach dip. Exotic ingredients.
Just ask the Captain.
BABS
That’s not funny Captain! That doesn’t do any good.
CJS
It does for me.
BABS
Well! I never!
CJS
Then maybe ye best try some of your own dip.
BABS
Dip this!
(tosses bowl)
CJS
Love when she gets feisty. Roux’s got his hands
full with that one,he does.
Now where were we? Ah, yes, drawlings…
GIBBS
Begging your lordships pardon,
but there be a lady at the door.
Says she was sent for…
sometin’ bout lessons if me hearing serves me.
(wiggles finger in ear…fearing he’s getting an infection)
CJS
Ah! She’s come! Our bonny lass. Send her in Gibbs!
GIBBS fetches FANNY who follows him into the ‘drawling room’
JACK rushes over to escort her into the room.
FANNY (slaps hand off arm)
Hey! Hands off me filthy pirate!
Ye not paid for that! I’s a lady I am!
GENTLE GEORGE
Ah, yes, his mistake. Perhaps Johnny you best throw in the towel, or in this case, the white sock.
FANNY
This is a good sock it is! Holds all I got. Watch.
(Blows into sock…men make disgusted faces)
Ellie’s got the best socks in town I tell ya.
If ya need a gross I’s be willing to set you up.
WILMOT
No thank you kind lady.
I think we’ve been grossed enough.
FANNY
Suit yerself.
(plops down on sofa, crosses legs, pets mutlucks)
JAMES
Well, Rochester.
I’d say, the time’s come for us to depart
so you may begin your work.
Oh…my…seems you’ve got a wet spot on the floor.
WILMOT
Ah, yes…dearest Giselle.
She was with me last night. Afraid she was done in.
Gibbs! Please see that Mistress Giselle is taken to her room.
CELINE runs in past GIBBS
CELINE
No one touches Giselle but me!
Here ya go sweetie…I got your back…I mean
puddle.
(Grabs hankie from WILMOT,
sops up Giselle, wonders what to do with wet hankie…
wrings out in nearby jar)
CJS
Me jar of dirt!
Ah, well…guess the lass goes home with ol’Jack.
WILMOT
Gibbs…call for Lady Pamela.
This one needs a bath before anything.
FANNY
Ahhh…I don’t need no bath!
What’s ya gotta go and do that for?
WILMOT
Lady Pamela will see to it that you will
be made nice and shiny.
But I want to be nice and shiny
AGGIE
Psst…Fanny..it’s good to be shiny.
FANNY
But I’s don’t want Lady Pamela making me shiny!
AGGIE
No, no…she assigns her footman to do it.
FANNY
Footman ye say? Let me have a go then.
VIANNE (enters WILMOT’s quarters carrying food tray…drops to desk)
What pray tell is this Vianne?
VIANNE
Pickles and paczkis.
And yeah, no chocolate…I do hope you weren’t expecting
that. Cuz, if so, you can go step in what the dog left behind.
WILMOT
You’re a regular ray of fucking sunshine aren’t you?
VIANNE
Yeah, don’t forget it either.
Now excuse me, I’m off for my German language lessons.
Listen to this… “Ich mag nusse des gefuhl eichornchens”.
That means, “I’m feeling squirrely”
WILMOT
I do hate to inform you Vi,
but you just said “I like feeling squirrels nuts”
VI
What? What till I get my hands on that Wonka!!!!
ACT THREE
LADY ANNE (Wilmots mother)
I understand son that you have taken on a prodigy.
I do fear you will not find a lady behind those mutlucks!
WILMOT
I plan on digging deeper mother…past the mutlucks.
LADY ANNE
Well! I never! (runs from room)
WILMOT
If you have never mother,
perhaps you should try some of the special spinach dip!
(remembers first time he tried Babs dip)
FANNY
Well, govn’r. Here I am, all nice and shiny.
Whatcha think?
WILMOT
What is that in your hands young Fanny?
FANNY
This book? Tis nothing.
WILMOT
It looks a bit…slimey.
FANNY
That? Just olive oil. Only way I could get it out of Debb’s hands. You know here
don’t ya gov’nr…I mean your Lordshit…I mean Lordship.
WILMOT
Ah, yes. She worked hard beneath me to earn that quill.
Very well, put the book down
and we will start with alliteration.
FANNY
“Literation…whys, I only threw one or two of them
Stella bottles the carriage.
I don’t normally alliterate! Honest Govn’r!”
WILMOT
I meant we will begin your mouth exercises.
FANNY
I’s a good girl I am!
WILMOT
So I have heard. Shall we…
FANNY
If ya insist EARLy.
(Wilmot begins to tell her that is not alliteration,
but decides to wait)
WILMOT
Alas, I feel as if this is going nowhere.
FANNY
Well, it’s not like its my fault ya know!
WILMOT
Let us try a new exercise
Repeat, after me.
FANNY
After me.
WILMOT
What?
FANNY
What?
WILMOT
Stop that!
FANNY
Stop that!
WILMOT
Never mind (gives Fanny hard look to make her stop)
FANNY
Just pulling your hankie..or should I say white sock.
(waves sock)
WILMOT
Please, put that away. Now say this…
The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
FANNY
What? Now you’re the weather man?
WILMOT (exasperated)
I will be at the Ten Belles
(Later at the Belles)
Barkeep! I need a smoke! Send my ME!
ME
You rang me Lord? Need a lick me Lord?
My tongue is yours.
Then do it ME….let me see you lick.
And afters, I want you to climb
aboard the bull.
ME
Hmmm…is that what me Lord’s calling it now?
I can lick and climb at the
same time. Shall I show you?
WILMOT
My homunculus wishes. Proceed.
ME
Oh, I love it when His Lordship talks about his little man.
(ME proceeds to lick and ride the bull)
WILMOT distracted by woman at vending machine
WILMOT
Who pray tell is that?
The one stuffing her mouth with the Hostess Ho Ho’s
MORTS MISTRESS
That be Dude, your Grace.
But if ye be looking for the real thing, I be it.
Morstsmistress the name.
I be the best Ho Hostess in town.
WILMOT
And are you as good as chocolate?
MOHO
Chocolat? She here?
WILMOT
I did not say Chocolat (looks around just to be sure)
I said chocolate.
MOHO
I can be and do anything you want,
as long as you don’t have the Marines watching.
Or that Gibbs. (shudders)
WILMOT
I will keep you in mind. Fanny! What brings you here?
FANNY
If the Stella don’t come to the Fanny,
Fanny comes to the Stella!
Hey whelp! Bring me one for each hand before I slap ya!
JL4
I don’t get paid enough for this abuse!
WILMOT
You won’t be paid at all, especially
if you keep missing Hump Day.
JL4
Oh, yeah, right. Okay.
Put it that way. Two Stellas coming up.
Would help if JG showed up to help now and again.
Two Stellas. There you go
(Fanny downs the two Stellas, Wilmot watches intently.)
Mayhap I have bitten off more than I can chew.
FANNY (finishes Stella, wipes mouth, and says clearly)
The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
WILMOT
What was that?
FANNY
The rain is Spain falls mainly on the plain
WILMOT
Again!
FANNY
Hey, I ain’t no parrot. Take it or leave it.
WILMOT
Very well! I will take it and I will take you
now to see the King!
Call me my cab!
FANNY
Oh, not that again…
ACT FOUR
THE KINGS BALL
Cricket64 (arguing with Guardsman)
Blake, I tell ya, I got a reservation to the Ball.
Damn it! Why didn’t Charles employ Guardsmen
from the other side of the world? I’d get a better response.
WILMOT
My dear fellow, please allow the
Lady Cricket into the ball. I will vouch for her.
BLAKE
But you vouch for all the ladies Lord Rochester.
WILMOT
And I will continue to do so.
Don’t make me draw my sword.
CRICKET
Oh, please do Johnny…
I love it when you draw your sword
and I don’t mean with pen on paper
if you know what I mean.
BLAKE allows Cricket to pass.
TRUDY
Oh My! A Ball! I Just Love Balls! Don’t You?
Oh Look Who I’m Asking! Of Course You Love Balls You’re Lord Rochester.
Bet You Never Met A Ball You Didn’t Like!
I’ll Show You Some Baby Pictures Later.
Right Now, I Have To Find The Nanny.
Okay…Going In! See You On The Dance Floor
Your Lordship!
JENNY
Excuse me your lordship.
Could I get a quote or two about your newest project?
*licks tip of pencil to start writing*
WILMOT
Perhaps Mistress Jenny,
later you can show me the finer points of tip licking.
For now, may I present, Lady Fanny, f
rom across the pond. She’s Canadian.
JENNY
Sorry to hear that.
Well, would you like to give us a few words
yourself Lady Fanny.
FANNY
The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
JENNY
Yeah? Good to know if I ever go to Spain.
Maybe I’ll catch you later.
FANNY
Why I oughta….
(Swings hand in attempt to slap)
WILMOT
Fanny, slapping is not acceptable in front of the King.
FANNY
Well, I wasn’t doing it in front of the King was I?
I was doing it behind that
newshounds back. Let me at her…
(Wilmot grabs Fanny to keep from rushing at Jenny)
WILMOT
Perhaps you and Jenny can tussle later.
I know some of the Merry Gang might pay
a good coin to see that.
FAVEDARKNESS (curtsies)
Your Lordship. Your Ladyship. I am Mistress FaveD.
FANNY
Yeah, yeah…I think everyone’s Early-boy’s mistress.
WILMOT
No Fanny, that’s a title. Yes, Mistress FaveD,
allow me to present Lady Fanny.
She has been taking language lessons from Wonka,
but I would be in your good grace
if you would teach her Romanian.
FAVE D
An honor your Lordship.
Here is your first lesson Lady Fanny.
"Imi place sa ating nucile veveritelor" *
(Fanny repeats)
FAVE D
Good, now just repeat that to the King.
He’ll be so impressed.
WILMOT escorts FANNY towards the throne
WONKA sidles up to FAVE D
WONKA
Hey that was cool. What did you just teach her?
FAVE D
“I like to touch squirrel’s nuts.”
WONKA and FAVE D go off laughing.
KING CHARLES
Where is my Stephanie?
She was suppose to be here with me tonight.
FOOTMAN
You sent her to the Tower of London, Your Majesty.
KING CHARLES
What? No…no…not the Tower of London.
I sent her to the Tower of Terror…that ride.
Oh dear…please go fetch her.
I shall never hear the end of this now.
Maybe send her to the pirate.
She likes his cannons.
That will make up for it. Now, what do we have here?
WILMOT
May I present Lady Fanny, from Canada.
KING CHARLES
Nice mutlucks.
FANNY
Thank you your Majesty. . Finest beaver in town.
CHARLES
Ah, may I pet your beaver?
FANNY
Don’t think so Chuck.
CHARLES
I am King. I may pet whatever I want.
(reaches out to touch)
FANNY (smacking hand)
Hey! What-d’I say?
The only one that touches Fanny’s beaver is Juan.
CHARLES
Juan? I don’t believe I know Juan.
FANNY
Well, you know what they say Chucky…
ya know Juan ya know them all!
LOL. Get it? Get it?
CHARLES
I believe so.
Perhaps Lady Fanny needs a trip to the Tower.
(beckons Guardsmen)
WILMOT
Well freeze my piss,
you got the Royal Finger Fanny. Be proud luv.
FANNY (crying as Guardsmen drag her off)
Yeah, well I got’s me own finger
and that’s not telling your adoring subjects
your number one either! Mits off me!
You’re gonna hear from my lawyer..
I mean once he’s done with that Anna Nicole shit…
and if not…Cabana Boy will save me!
Wilmot …stop em man!
What the hell you going to do about this?
WILMOT
There she goes…sniveling off into the world.
So much for angels on pinheads.
CURTAIN FALLS
DEBB (stepping out to stage)
And that is it…there is no prologue…
but we do have an epilogue…
The next day her mutlucks were found in the cell,
as Cabana Boy arrived and slathered her with oil
and with a few twists and turns,
slipped her through the bars and into the night
where it was reported that she and Juan
were seen running up the Railroad Tracks.
Adieu my fair Hunnies…until next month.
*Thanks to my Romanian translator, FaveD for giving
Fanny the proper enuciation on how to touch squirrel nuts*