12-27-2007, 10:43 PM
HOPE and TheCaptainsWench approach building
SANDS
Buenos Dias ladies. Welcome to the Spotted Dick.
Idzy bought them out and is now proud owner of
both the Bells and the Dick. Glad you could make it.
Debb thought it would be a nice to help her promote
it by holding the concert here this month.
TheCaptainsWench
Say, why do they call this the Spotted Dick…hey!
Hands where I can see them!
SANDS
Well, you did ask.
TCW
If that’s spotted, I don’t need to see it.
We on the same page?
HOPE
But I thought we came here to get Spotted Dick.
With cream.
*hands slide around Sands hips*
TCW
Hey! What did I say!
SANDS
But Wenchy, they’re not my hands…see?
*steps aside to reveal Smitten*
She’s keeping me company while Crop is practicing
for the Sands Olympics..
CROP
Sheldon Jeffrey Sands! I see you! What’s up with
the wandering fingers?
SANDS
Crop! Babycakes…I thought you were home.
CROP
Yeah, well I been practicing my Java-lin grip and
I’m not talking about coffee mug handles.
I can grab that pole and chuck it, if you know what I mean.
SANDS
I get it …I get it, sugarlips! Okay…let’s take this
somewhere we can practice in private.
SMITTEN
Oh, dang…well, maybe Raoul needs an extra hand on
that musical typewriter.
TCW (wandering into bar)
I’m so easily confused. Barkeep! Some wine!
JL$
Sure. We got this new product.Want to give it a try?
TCW
Sure. Where’s my glass?
JL$
Oh, no glass necessary. Just put your mouth to the spout.
The box is pretty too.
JL$
Uhm…TCW, that wasn’ t the wine box.
TCW
Pretty straight forward to me.
SANDS
Speaking of being straight.
TCW
He never gives up
JL$
Would you want him to? Hey, you’re new here?
LIBBYLU
I am…in fact, seem to be stuck on the stool.
JL$
Oh, you’re get use to that. What will you have?
Some of the new wine?
(turns to left)
Why, yes, that would be lovely. Thanks for asking.
(turns to right)
Not a problem. Plenty to go around.
LIBBYLU
Uhm…no thanks. I’d like a Negra Modelo if you got it.
JL$
No worries on that. If you want it, we got it. Howdy Six Gun!
6GUNMETHOD
Smirnoff please JL$.
*points to leaving penguins*
I know I’ve been gone awhile and I haven’t even started drinking yet.
AGGIE
I’m with you 6G. Gimmie a shot of that. Man, spend a couple days
at the Bowling Convention with Tommy and you miss half your life in here. Hey Jenny, can you catch us up to speed?
JENNY
Well, you’re asking the right person.
*flips through Newshound spiral notepad*
Ah, here it is, under PENGWENS
(MOHO Points over Jenny’s shoulder…Jenny erases…re-writes)
PENGUINS..thanks MoHo…she’s my spellchecker.
TIME let her go
when she pointed out the faux pas on that egg-brain-drug cover…
seems she embarrassed them.
Okay here it is. About the Penguins.
Seems Fanny gave them their walking papers….
make that Waddling Papers.
They’re outta here. Vamous…Skeedaddle…Adios.
BABS
Adios? Bueno, usted habla espanol! CC! Ella necesita ayuda.
La pegan en el Tacoador de Senorias.
ROUX
*grabbing Babs by shoulders, giving her gentle shake*
Babs, m’luv. Snap out of it.
Y’been using that Babel Fish too much.
IDZY
Hey…what did I tell you guys? No Brad Pitt in here!
Tell that hombre he’s outta here!
BABS
Hombre? Ningun sito de Mens de no no, el Tocador de Senoras.
IDZY
Babs, sweetheart. I love ya, but not when your rattling
off in Spanish, tho Idzy here caught that about the Men’s Room.
You been sneaking in there again? I keep telling you,
no sitting in the urinals. Who was in there with you?
WILMA *looks nervously about*
Who? Who?
IDZY
Oh great, now Wilma’s an owl. By the way, Wilmski.
What’s with the prom dress?
WILMA
Like it Idz? Made it myself. Better than those Bloor Street creations.
See pure raccoon. Not skunk...no white streak...see?
Brought it for Mashed Potatoes. She’s in the market.
“Hold up luv”
Say yer in the market? For a dress? I happen to have want ye
might not need in me cabin. What do y’say?
Care to grab it while ye can?
WILMA
I’ll grab you anytime, Jack.
JACK
What?!
WILMA
What?! I mean, sure, sure. Lead the way Captain.
BABS
Maldicion! el Wilma habria podido ayudarme. Ella es bilingue.
ROUX
Babs, my love. Please…I don’t understand.
“Perhaps I can help with the translation”
ROUX
I don’t think so Romeo.
DJD
That is Juan, senor. Not Romeo. Now please, let me do my job.
ROUX
I don’t remember hiring you. Besides aren’t you Juan The Cabana Boy? Work over at Fanny’s place?
DJD
A gentleman never compromises a lady’s reputation.
BABS
Ah!!
DJD
Speaking of my fair lady…Fanny, mi pinguino,
why are you wet?
FANNY
Tell me about it Stud, and I ain’t talking these studded pants.
Rusty! It was Rusty. Someone gave her the bright idea the bidet
in the Ladies Room was for cleaning Fannys and I ain’t talking arses here.
*glares at Idzy*
IDZY
Hey, I can’t help it if I try to educate. Rusty just misunderstood.
BABS (points in direction of restrooms)
Tocador de Senoras, si! Si! CC se pega en el cuarto de bano.
FANNY
Damn it Babs, you been drinking that Mexican beer again.
I told you to stick to the Stellas.
ROUX
Forgive her, Fanny. She’s been going on like this for some time.
DJD
She is talking about someone named CC. Something about being detained in the bathroom.
FANNY
Oh that. Yeah. She can’t find her way out.
Going to stall to stall, saying “Where’s the door?
Where’s the door? Where’s my good china?”
IDZY (snatching paper plates off counter)
The china can always be replaced.
*smiles sheepishly*
ROUX (to Fanny)
But you got out.
FANNY
Hey, I had motivation. Had to get away from Rusty you know?
Wasn’t easy in these studded shoes. Besides, CC will manage.
IDZY
Well, good thing you’re here Fanny. Your interviews are out back.
Said you advertised for new assistants.
*hiding paper plates behind back*
.
FANNY
Great. Maybe I can get a decent goose.
IDZY, BABS, ROUX and DJD raise eyebrows.
FANNY
Oh, crap. You guys need a ladder to get out of the gutter.
Excuse me. I got to go interview. Good thing they’re Canadian.
Oh, before I forget. Got a postcard from that Hannah.
IDZY
Oh, Hannah, where she at?
FANNY
Hannah’s in Montana…picking bananas.
Then says she’s taking ArmyJR to Grape Soda Wine country.
Wants to commune with the land and think about Gumby and
purple dinosaurs. Ask me, girl’s getting to philosophical on us.
Ok, outta here.
IDZY
Mmm…bananas…makes me think of Banana Cream ….
(yells after Fanny)
Hey maybe later we can play Duck Duck Goose Penguin.
Not sure of the rules though. Might have to make something up.
WTF? Hey, I wanted to sit in this chair. Why’s it wet?
Fanny didn’t put her fanny in it, did she?
Pardon, Idzy. That would be my chair and that would be Giselle.
IDZY
Jesu! Cesar! Bad enough we got ducks and geese and penguins,
and sometimes bats and skunks and raccoons…
and the occasional ass and pink elelphant….but come on…
take the horse outside! I run a clean establishment here.
BABS
AH!
IDZY
Oh yeah, selective translation. I get it.
Hey…who’s causing the commotion?
DOORS SWING WIDE OPEN
Lady: I am sorry m’lord. She just slipped away from me.
One minute she’s eating fish fillets, popping balloons
and chair dancing…then like magic! Poof! She was gone.
WILMOT
In the words of Trump, madam. You’re fired!
*looks about Bells, sees Choc in corner booth talking to self…
as he approaches he hears*
CHOCOLAT (fanning self with paper plate and waving
what appears NOT to be a Wilmot hanky or a clean white sock)
Donnie Brasco, Donnie Brasco, Donnie Brasco.
Oh, hello Johnnie..I’ve been pining for you…
Donnie Brasco, Donnie Brasco, Donnie Brasco
WILMOT
What is the meaning of this?
CHOCOLAT (looking at fan)
This? It’s called a Virgin Fan. CC makes them.
Simplistic, easy to use. *Snaps fingers*
WILMOT
I speak not of the fan, but your incessant babbling.
Who is this Brasco? I shall call him out!
“Looking for me?”
WILMOT
I am sir!
(Strikes Donnie to floor)
CHOC
Don’t Johnnie! No! He supplies the (whispers)
EVOO, remember?
WILMOT (looking from Ellie to Donnie)
My apologies.
DONNIE
Forgetaboutit
*accepts cold one from Miroux for his boo-boo*
Thanks babycakes. Always there with a healing hand.
You’ve stolen my heart.
MIROUX
One can not steal what is given willingly.
WILMOT escorts Ellie from bar
CHOC
Ta Ta Ladies! Off to do some chair dancing!
(passes Delivery Guy entering)
DG
Excuse me, Rochester.
Could you point me in the direction of MPJ and Cricket?
I have steak for them. Understand MPJ likes it with beer
and Cricket would like it for breakfast.
WILMOT
THey said CAKE not STEAK!
DG
Oh? Cake? Well I think they can find cakes in there,
(points at mens room)
tho not the best of flavor nor smell. Just ask Aruam.
She was testing them. Something about a science project
for her teacher. She's smelling everything. She's just got
one more to add to her list and that's the
FoundingFather. Till, then you just got the cakes
in there.
HOPE
Oh, is that where the Spotted Dick is served?
Still haven’t had any yet.
WILMOT
Come Ellie, let us take our leave.. I do fear,
Alcock must frequent this public house.
My point exactly.
(ride off in carriage to Adderberry
with case of Rachel Ray’s special ingredients
—makes quick stop at Sweeny Todd Barber Shop)
WILMOT
A quick stop my love. I understand a new business
has started beneath Mr. Todd’s shoppe.There’s the chap as we speak.
The girls I hear make wonderful meat pasties.
I thought we should try one. What do you say?
CHOC
(Reads sign Three Hunnies Pasties…
gives sideways glance to Vianne, LeJae and Celine
busy rolling out pastry dough)
I know LeJae makes wonderful Bavarian cookies…
but those other two…making the pastries…
Hmmm…think I’ll pass this time.
(They drive on)
QUIET PIRATE
Idzy! I need a …
IDZY
No…I don’t have any paper plates.
Go to the Rite Aid if you need more.
Quite Pirate
I was going to say nap…
IDZY
A nap? Headache again?
Take some aspirins. Maybe call on Dr. Bendo.
QUIET PIRATE
I was going to say napkins. We need napkins.
Depputized spilled some coffee. Got some on
her boobs.
IDZY
Oh, sorry. Hmm….Java Jugs?
Babs, might look into that for the Shoppe.
Oh right, napkins.
Behind the bar.
JACK
No worries…I can take care of her!
(runs over…cleans up ME…runs back to Idzy and QP)
QP
what’s wrong Jack?
JACK
The coffee wasn’t laced with rum.
DEPPUTIZED
(calling from across the room, spilling rum on self)
Oh Jack! I did it again!
JACK
Coming!
RUSTY
Look at that…the pirate’s coming and it’s not even May yet.
WINNIE-THE-SHIT (standing on bar)
I LOVE JOHNNY! I LOVE JOHNNY!
FAVE D
(bellies up to the bar, shooting cautious look to WTS,
then settles next to George)
Sorry haven’t been around much. Busy with school and all.
GEORGE
What have you been doing at school?
FAVED
Economics …you know, the business of distribution and
consumption of goods and services.
HOLD IT GUYS!
I don’t think she meant she was our competition.
Sorry FaveD. They get a little trigger happy when they hear “distribution” Say, I could use a cute Economist in
my line of work. What do you say?
FAVED
Well, I am suppose to be student teaching.
GEORGE
I never take ‘no’ for an answer
LARALYNZY
Hey you! I asked you were I could find something pickled…
I meant the Depp Pickle Stall. You sent me to Keith’s RV.
Not funny!
KEITH
You really did that?
JOHNNY
Yeah…! Ha ha ha
PRICESA
Oh, Lara, let me help you calm down.
I was made Guru this month you know?
LARA
Is that why you have the number 3 written all over you?
PRICESA
This? No, just practicing for when I get my tattoo.
Want to make sure it’s in the right place,etc.
Come with me. Let me take you to my Guru teacher.
This is Master Teacher Deppijohnnie Do-me-rightie
DEPPIJOHNNIE
Let us come into a circle little ones and hum…
tis the best way to charm the snake you know?
PRICESA
See, I told you he was a good teacher.
TRUDY (taking mic on stage)
Welcome all! So glad you could come…
I mean be here!
We all love Deppville’s founding father
and of course there is our founding mother, Idzy…
round of applause for the lady!
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE
I think everyone is here.
JacklynSparrow, could you check?
*JS pulls out very loooonnngggg telescope,
checks crowd, snaps telescope back*
Yep, we’re good.
TRUDY
Thank you JacklynSparrow.
My heart is dancing for you and all the Hunnies
that have come tonight for Debb’s April Concert.
And please, take note,that the bathrooms are
sparkling this evening. Had lots of help with Sam
and then Fred who delighted me with refreshments….
*waves towards restrooms…all eyes follow..
from behind Ladies Room door, hear woman’s voice singing…
B…I…N…G…O)
Uhm…can someone let CC out of the bathroom..thank you…
okay…on to the concert. I present Debb and her
Triple Threat Trio bringing you a tribute, originally
sang by Toby Keith…called “I Love This Bar”
Take it away Debb!
And don’t forget…coffee and cheesecake at my place afters!
DEBB
As Trudy said, thanks for coming…and yeah…
I mean every word. This month the concert benefits
the purchase of much needed signs…please,
Shutterbug…could you bring the slide up on screen.
Thanks S-bug. By the way folks…
Shutterbug is responsible for the slide pics
you see during the show.
Okay, boys. Ready? One…and two…
We got winners;
we got losers;
Chain smokers
and boozers.
An' we got yuppies;
we got bikers;
An' we got, thirsty hitchhikers.
And the girls next door dress up like movie stars:
Mm, mm, mmm, mmm, mmm, I love this bar.
We got cowboys;
we got truckers;
Broken hearted fools
and suckers.
An' we got husslers;
we got fighters;
Early birds
and all nighters.
And the veterans talk about their battle scars:
Mm, mm, mmm, mmm, mmm, I love this bar.
I love this bar,
It's my kind place.
Just walk in through the front door,
Puts a big smile on my face.
It ain't too far; come as you are.
Mm, mm, mmm, mmm, mmm, I love this bar.
I've seen short skirts;
we've got high-techs;
Blue collar boys
and rednecks.
An' we got lovers;
lots of lookers;
I've even seen dancin' girls
and hookers.
And we like to drink our beer from a mason jar:
Mm, mm, mmm, mmm, mmm, I love this bar, yes I do!
I like my truck, (I like my truck),
An' I like my girlfriend, (I like my girlfriend),
I like to take her out to dinner;
I like a movie now and then:
But I love this bar,
It's my kind place.
Just toeing around
the dance floor,
Puts a big smile on my face.
No cover charge; come as you are
.
Mm, mm, mmm, mmm, mmm, I love this bar.
Mm, mm, mmm, mmm, mmm, I just love this ol' bar
HUNNIES
We love this bar!! We love this bar!!
DEBB
Well, I’d say they really liked that song.
NG
What they liked was the free round of drinks.
DEBB
Oh.
NG
Don’t worry. It was a good song too.
Think I’ll go have a Mojita.
NEW BARKEEP
Sorry, no mint.
NG
Damn…make it a tequila shot then.
DEBB
No, that makes your cozy fall off.
NG
Damn…then give me a mai tai.
NEW BARKEEP
Sorry, ME had the last one, but if you can get her
off the bull it’s all yours.
NG
Damn…make it a Stella I guess.
NEW BARKEEP
That we have. Just let me tell JL$ to bring one out for you.
STELLA!!!!
DEBB
I raise my glass to you all! Have a good one.
See you next month!
“Did she mean that literally or figuratively? Where’s Hannah? I need her guidance.”
http://www.yallwire.com/player/tobykeith...trate=_300
SANDS
Buenos Dias ladies. Welcome to the Spotted Dick.
Idzy bought them out and is now proud owner of
both the Bells and the Dick. Glad you could make it.
Debb thought it would be a nice to help her promote
it by holding the concert here this month.
TheCaptainsWench
Say, why do they call this the Spotted Dick…hey!
Hands where I can see them!
SANDS
Well, you did ask.
TCW
If that’s spotted, I don’t need to see it.
We on the same page?
HOPE
But I thought we came here to get Spotted Dick.
With cream.
*hands slide around Sands hips*
TCW
Hey! What did I say!
SANDS
But Wenchy, they’re not my hands…see?
*steps aside to reveal Smitten*
She’s keeping me company while Crop is practicing
for the Sands Olympics..
CROP
Sheldon Jeffrey Sands! I see you! What’s up with
the wandering fingers?
SANDS
Crop! Babycakes…I thought you were home.
CROP
Yeah, well I been practicing my Java-lin grip and
I’m not talking about coffee mug handles.
I can grab that pole and chuck it, if you know what I mean.
SANDS
I get it …I get it, sugarlips! Okay…let’s take this
somewhere we can practice in private.
SMITTEN
Oh, dang…well, maybe Raoul needs an extra hand on
that musical typewriter.
TCW (wandering into bar)
I’m so easily confused. Barkeep! Some wine!
JL$
Sure. We got this new product.Want to give it a try?
TCW
Sure. Where’s my glass?
JL$
Oh, no glass necessary. Just put your mouth to the spout.
The box is pretty too.
JL$
Uhm…TCW, that wasn’ t the wine box.
TCW
Pretty straight forward to me.
SANDS
Speaking of being straight.
TCW
He never gives up
JL$
Would you want him to? Hey, you’re new here?
LIBBYLU
I am…in fact, seem to be stuck on the stool.
JL$
Oh, you’re get use to that. What will you have?
Some of the new wine?
(turns to left)
Why, yes, that would be lovely. Thanks for asking.
(turns to right)
Not a problem. Plenty to go around.
LIBBYLU
Uhm…no thanks. I’d like a Negra Modelo if you got it.
JL$
No worries on that. If you want it, we got it. Howdy Six Gun!
6GUNMETHOD
Smirnoff please JL$.
*points to leaving penguins*
I know I’ve been gone awhile and I haven’t even started drinking yet.
AGGIE
I’m with you 6G. Gimmie a shot of that. Man, spend a couple days
at the Bowling Convention with Tommy and you miss half your life in here. Hey Jenny, can you catch us up to speed?
JENNY
Well, you’re asking the right person.
*flips through Newshound spiral notepad*
Ah, here it is, under PENGWENS
(MOHO Points over Jenny’s shoulder…Jenny erases…re-writes)
PENGUINS..thanks MoHo…she’s my spellchecker.
TIME let her go
when she pointed out the faux pas on that egg-brain-drug cover…
seems she embarrassed them.
Okay here it is. About the Penguins.
Seems Fanny gave them their walking papers….
make that Waddling Papers.
They’re outta here. Vamous…Skeedaddle…Adios.
BABS
Adios? Bueno, usted habla espanol! CC! Ella necesita ayuda.
La pegan en el Tacoador de Senorias.
ROUX
*grabbing Babs by shoulders, giving her gentle shake*
Babs, m’luv. Snap out of it.
Y’been using that Babel Fish too much.
IDZY
Hey…what did I tell you guys? No Brad Pitt in here!
Tell that hombre he’s outta here!
BABS
Hombre? Ningun sito de Mens de no no, el Tocador de Senoras.
IDZY
Babs, sweetheart. I love ya, but not when your rattling
off in Spanish, tho Idzy here caught that about the Men’s Room.
You been sneaking in there again? I keep telling you,
no sitting in the urinals. Who was in there with you?
WILMA *looks nervously about*
Who? Who?
IDZY
Oh great, now Wilma’s an owl. By the way, Wilmski.
What’s with the prom dress?
WILMA
Like it Idz? Made it myself. Better than those Bloor Street creations.
See pure raccoon. Not skunk...no white streak...see?
Brought it for Mashed Potatoes. She’s in the market.
“Hold up luv”
Say yer in the market? For a dress? I happen to have want ye
might not need in me cabin. What do y’say?
Care to grab it while ye can?
WILMA
I’ll grab you anytime, Jack.
JACK
What?!
WILMA
What?! I mean, sure, sure. Lead the way Captain.
BABS
Maldicion! el Wilma habria podido ayudarme. Ella es bilingue.
ROUX
Babs, my love. Please…I don’t understand.
“Perhaps I can help with the translation”
ROUX
I don’t think so Romeo.
DJD
That is Juan, senor. Not Romeo. Now please, let me do my job.
ROUX
I don’t remember hiring you. Besides aren’t you Juan The Cabana Boy? Work over at Fanny’s place?
DJD
A gentleman never compromises a lady’s reputation.
BABS
Ah!!
DJD
Speaking of my fair lady…Fanny, mi pinguino,
why are you wet?
FANNY
Tell me about it Stud, and I ain’t talking these studded pants.
Rusty! It was Rusty. Someone gave her the bright idea the bidet
in the Ladies Room was for cleaning Fannys and I ain’t talking arses here.
*glares at Idzy*
IDZY
Hey, I can’t help it if I try to educate. Rusty just misunderstood.
BABS (points in direction of restrooms)
Tocador de Senoras, si! Si! CC se pega en el cuarto de bano.
FANNY
Damn it Babs, you been drinking that Mexican beer again.
I told you to stick to the Stellas.
ROUX
Forgive her, Fanny. She’s been going on like this for some time.
DJD
She is talking about someone named CC. Something about being detained in the bathroom.
FANNY
Oh that. Yeah. She can’t find her way out.
Going to stall to stall, saying “Where’s the door?
Where’s the door? Where’s my good china?”
IDZY (snatching paper plates off counter)
The china can always be replaced.
*smiles sheepishly*
ROUX (to Fanny)
But you got out.
FANNY
Hey, I had motivation. Had to get away from Rusty you know?
Wasn’t easy in these studded shoes. Besides, CC will manage.
IDZY
Well, good thing you’re here Fanny. Your interviews are out back.
Said you advertised for new assistants.
*hiding paper plates behind back*
.
FANNY
Great. Maybe I can get a decent goose.
IDZY, BABS, ROUX and DJD raise eyebrows.
FANNY
Oh, crap. You guys need a ladder to get out of the gutter.
Excuse me. I got to go interview. Good thing they’re Canadian.
Oh, before I forget. Got a postcard from that Hannah.
IDZY
Oh, Hannah, where she at?
FANNY
Hannah’s in Montana…picking bananas.
Then says she’s taking ArmyJR to Grape Soda Wine country.
Wants to commune with the land and think about Gumby and
purple dinosaurs. Ask me, girl’s getting to philosophical on us.
Ok, outta here.
IDZY
Mmm…bananas…makes me think of Banana Cream ….
(yells after Fanny)
Hey maybe later we can play Duck Duck Goose Penguin.
Not sure of the rules though. Might have to make something up.
WTF? Hey, I wanted to sit in this chair. Why’s it wet?
Fanny didn’t put her fanny in it, did she?
Pardon, Idzy. That would be my chair and that would be Giselle.
IDZY
Jesu! Cesar! Bad enough we got ducks and geese and penguins,
and sometimes bats and skunks and raccoons…
and the occasional ass and pink elelphant….but come on…
take the horse outside! I run a clean establishment here.
BABS
AH!
IDZY
Oh yeah, selective translation. I get it.
Hey…who’s causing the commotion?
DOORS SWING WIDE OPEN
Lady: I am sorry m’lord. She just slipped away from me.
One minute she’s eating fish fillets, popping balloons
and chair dancing…then like magic! Poof! She was gone.
WILMOT
In the words of Trump, madam. You’re fired!
*looks about Bells, sees Choc in corner booth talking to self…
as he approaches he hears*
CHOCOLAT (fanning self with paper plate and waving
what appears NOT to be a Wilmot hanky or a clean white sock)
Donnie Brasco, Donnie Brasco, Donnie Brasco.
Oh, hello Johnnie..I’ve been pining for you…
Donnie Brasco, Donnie Brasco, Donnie Brasco
WILMOT
What is the meaning of this?
CHOCOLAT (looking at fan)
This? It’s called a Virgin Fan. CC makes them.
Simplistic, easy to use. *Snaps fingers*
WILMOT
I speak not of the fan, but your incessant babbling.
Who is this Brasco? I shall call him out!
“Looking for me?”
WILMOT
I am sir!
(Strikes Donnie to floor)
CHOC
Don’t Johnnie! No! He supplies the (whispers)
EVOO, remember?
WILMOT (looking from Ellie to Donnie)
My apologies.
DONNIE
Forgetaboutit
*accepts cold one from Miroux for his boo-boo*
Thanks babycakes. Always there with a healing hand.
You’ve stolen my heart.
MIROUX
One can not steal what is given willingly.
WILMOT escorts Ellie from bar
CHOC
Ta Ta Ladies! Off to do some chair dancing!
(passes Delivery Guy entering)
DG
Excuse me, Rochester.
Could you point me in the direction of MPJ and Cricket?
I have steak for them. Understand MPJ likes it with beer
and Cricket would like it for breakfast.
WILMOT
THey said CAKE not STEAK!
DG
Oh? Cake? Well I think they can find cakes in there,
(points at mens room)
tho not the best of flavor nor smell. Just ask Aruam.
She was testing them. Something about a science project
for her teacher. She's smelling everything. She's just got
one more to add to her list and that's the
FoundingFather. Till, then you just got the cakes
in there.
HOPE
Oh, is that where the Spotted Dick is served?
Still haven’t had any yet.
WILMOT
Come Ellie, let us take our leave.. I do fear,
Alcock must frequent this public house.
My point exactly.
(ride off in carriage to Adderberry
with case of Rachel Ray’s special ingredients
—makes quick stop at Sweeny Todd Barber Shop)
WILMOT
A quick stop my love. I understand a new business
has started beneath Mr. Todd’s shoppe.There’s the chap as we speak.
The girls I hear make wonderful meat pasties.
I thought we should try one. What do you say?
CHOC
(Reads sign Three Hunnies Pasties…
gives sideways glance to Vianne, LeJae and Celine
busy rolling out pastry dough)
I know LeJae makes wonderful Bavarian cookies…
but those other two…making the pastries…
Hmmm…think I’ll pass this time.
(They drive on)
QUIET PIRATE
Idzy! I need a …
IDZY
No…I don’t have any paper plates.
Go to the Rite Aid if you need more.
Quite Pirate
I was going to say nap…
IDZY
A nap? Headache again?
Take some aspirins. Maybe call on Dr. Bendo.
QUIET PIRATE
I was going to say napkins. We need napkins.
Depputized spilled some coffee. Got some on
her boobs.
IDZY
Oh, sorry. Hmm….Java Jugs?
Babs, might look into that for the Shoppe.
Oh right, napkins.
Behind the bar.
JACK
No worries…I can take care of her!
(runs over…cleans up ME…runs back to Idzy and QP)
QP
what’s wrong Jack?
JACK
The coffee wasn’t laced with rum.
DEPPUTIZED
(calling from across the room, spilling rum on self)
Oh Jack! I did it again!
JACK
Coming!
RUSTY
Look at that…the pirate’s coming and it’s not even May yet.
WINNIE-THE-SHIT (standing on bar)
I LOVE JOHNNY! I LOVE JOHNNY!
FAVE D
(bellies up to the bar, shooting cautious look to WTS,
then settles next to George)
Sorry haven’t been around much. Busy with school and all.
GEORGE
What have you been doing at school?
FAVED
Economics …you know, the business of distribution and
consumption of goods and services.
HOLD IT GUYS!
I don’t think she meant she was our competition.
Sorry FaveD. They get a little trigger happy when they hear “distribution” Say, I could use a cute Economist in
my line of work. What do you say?
FAVED
Well, I am suppose to be student teaching.
GEORGE
I never take ‘no’ for an answer
LARALYNZY
Hey you! I asked you were I could find something pickled…
I meant the Depp Pickle Stall. You sent me to Keith’s RV.
Not funny!
KEITH
You really did that?
JOHNNY
Yeah…! Ha ha ha
PRICESA
Oh, Lara, let me help you calm down.
I was made Guru this month you know?
LARA
Is that why you have the number 3 written all over you?
PRICESA
This? No, just practicing for when I get my tattoo.
Want to make sure it’s in the right place,etc.
Come with me. Let me take you to my Guru teacher.
This is Master Teacher Deppijohnnie Do-me-rightie
DEPPIJOHNNIE
Let us come into a circle little ones and hum…
tis the best way to charm the snake you know?
PRICESA
See, I told you he was a good teacher.
TRUDY (taking mic on stage)
Welcome all! So glad you could come…
I mean be here!
We all love Deppville’s founding father
and of course there is our founding mother, Idzy…
round of applause for the lady!
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE
I think everyone is here.
JacklynSparrow, could you check?
*JS pulls out very loooonnngggg telescope,
checks crowd, snaps telescope back*
Yep, we’re good.
TRUDY
Thank you JacklynSparrow.
My heart is dancing for you and all the Hunnies
that have come tonight for Debb’s April Concert.
And please, take note,that the bathrooms are
sparkling this evening. Had lots of help with Sam
and then Fred who delighted me with refreshments….
*waves towards restrooms…all eyes follow..
from behind Ladies Room door, hear woman’s voice singing…
B…I…N…G…O)
Uhm…can someone let CC out of the bathroom..thank you…
okay…on to the concert. I present Debb and her
Triple Threat Trio bringing you a tribute, originally
sang by Toby Keith…called “I Love This Bar”
Take it away Debb!
And don’t forget…coffee and cheesecake at my place afters!
DEBB
As Trudy said, thanks for coming…and yeah…
I mean every word. This month the concert benefits
the purchase of much needed signs…please,
Shutterbug…could you bring the slide up on screen.
Thanks S-bug. By the way folks…
Shutterbug is responsible for the slide pics
you see during the show.
Okay, boys. Ready? One…and two…
We got winners;
we got losers;
Chain smokers
and boozers.
An' we got yuppies;
we got bikers;
An' we got, thirsty hitchhikers.
And the girls next door dress up like movie stars:
Mm, mm, mmm, mmm, mmm, I love this bar.
We got cowboys;
we got truckers;
Broken hearted fools
and suckers.
An' we got husslers;
we got fighters;
Early birds
and all nighters.
And the veterans talk about their battle scars:
Mm, mm, mmm, mmm, mmm, I love this bar.
I love this bar,
It's my kind place.
Just walk in through the front door,
Puts a big smile on my face.
It ain't too far; come as you are.
Mm, mm, mmm, mmm, mmm, I love this bar.
I've seen short skirts;
we've got high-techs;
Blue collar boys
and rednecks.
An' we got lovers;
lots of lookers;
I've even seen dancin' girls
and hookers.
And we like to drink our beer from a mason jar:
Mm, mm, mmm, mmm, mmm, I love this bar, yes I do!
I like my truck, (I like my truck),
An' I like my girlfriend, (I like my girlfriend),
I like to take her out to dinner;
I like a movie now and then:
But I love this bar,
It's my kind place.
Just toeing around
the dance floor,
Puts a big smile on my face.
No cover charge; come as you are
.
Mm, mm, mmm, mmm, mmm, I love this bar.
Mm, mm, mmm, mmm, mmm, I just love this ol' bar
HUNNIES
We love this bar!! We love this bar!!
DEBB
Well, I’d say they really liked that song.
NG
What they liked was the free round of drinks.
DEBB
Oh.
NG
Don’t worry. It was a good song too.
Think I’ll go have a Mojita.
NEW BARKEEP
Sorry, no mint.
NG
Damn…make it a tequila shot then.
DEBB
No, that makes your cozy fall off.
NG
Damn…then give me a mai tai.
NEW BARKEEP
Sorry, ME had the last one, but if you can get her
off the bull it’s all yours.
NG
Damn…make it a Stella I guess.
NEW BARKEEP
That we have. Just let me tell JL$ to bring one out for you.
STELLA!!!!
DEBB
I raise my glass to you all! Have a good one.
See you next month!
“Did she mean that literally or figuratively? Where’s Hannah? I need her guidance.”
http://www.yallwire.com/player/tobykeith...trate=_300