12-27-2007, 10:47 PM
DEPPVILLE CONCERT HALL
JUNE 2007 CONCERT
JENNY enters Bells, tossing down binoculars and stag atlers.
JENNY
Well they didn’t help.
JL4 (refilling peanut bowls)
Not to be nibby…get it nibby, peanuts…peanut nib? Never mind.
What’s with the antlers?
JENNY
Was trying for a scoop. Heard that Sweeny was out in the
woods practicing his singing and thought I could entice
him out with the sound of rutting stags.
JL4 (glancing and nodding towards window)
Take a gander
JENNY
No, JL4, not Fanny’s ganders, not geese. I was looking for …oh!
“You called?”
JENNY
Damn! I’m going to get my interview.
(runs out door)
JL4
Just don’t take any meat pies he offers!
KAT
Speaking of pies JL4, look at my new purse. Ain’t it cute?
And just right for carrying said pies.
(opens purse up to reveal fresh pie)
JL4 (making face)
You want something to drink with that?
AGGIE
Hey, someone want to go out and run interference with Fanny?
I’d do it but as you can see, my hands are filled
with Tommy’s balls.
(shocked gasp—Aggie rolls eyes)
Bowling balls people. Geesh!
DEPPUTIZED
Hold up, I’ll go see, as soon as I get this bandana
around my head and get my ciggy rolled and licked.
Fred taught me how to lick, didn’t you sweetie?
“Yes, and a fine student you proved yourself to be”
DEPPUTIZED
Oh, did I get carried away. Sorry honey. Okay, let me see
what’s going on with Fanny.
FANNY
Hey! You! CSI Guy! Can’t you see the sign?
It says RESERVED FANNY
WARWICK
I saw the sign. I thought it meant…
FANNY
Never mind what ya thought. You thought wrong.
Why are you thinking at all and what the hell you doing i
n Deppville?Lost? Need a map? Go to the library.
Ms Debb will help ya!
WARWICK
But she said to come see you.
FANNY
Figures! Well, I don’t have time to mess with you.
On my way to “Bracelet Re-stringing 101” See?
Even got my own dental floss.
(plucks at floss stringed between Bells, Hut, and Coffee)
Found another use for it. Keeps me from getting lost
between my favorite places, especially late at night after
a few Stellas. Lord knows, can’t depend on the Babster
when she’s had a few and trying to walk in those new
sandals of hers.
Oh! Hey Babs! Didn’t hear you sneak up.
BABS (dragging pillow and blanket)
The up side of new sandals. By the way, do you know what
bed I’m sleeping in tonight?
ROUX
I have a suggestion.
BABS
No need to vote on it. I’m up for it!
ROUX
So am I!
(BABS and ROUX run off for the dock)
“Did I hear someone is up for it? As always, so am I.
I want my chocolat NOW!”
“Here you go m’Lord.”
“I said Chocolat not chocolates you lump! Get those
Russell Stovers out of my sight! Bring me the Lady!”
CHOCOLAT (rushing in holding Chivas and Kitty)
You rang for me m’Lord? How did you know I was pining for you?
WILMOT (pointing to Kitty)
What, pray tell, is that pitiful creature?
CHOCOLAT
This dear thing? It’s Betty, our new kitten. Beats that monkey,
don’t you think? Jackie found her and…
WILMOT
Jackie?
CHOCOLAT (blushing)
I mean Jack. Just a little endearment.
WILMOT
You are to endear yourself to no one but me, do you understand?
CHOCOLAT
Oh…I do love it when you get riled.
WILMOT
The carriage NOW! I shall show you rile!
CHOCOLAT
Tee-hee
“Excuse me, I’m looking for MPJ. Have you seen her?
I hear she likes Mexican food and Dairy Queen ice cream.
Thought she and I could head south of the border…
though I wouldn’t mind going south of the border…
if you know what I mean?”
OTHER DUDE
Not sure, thought I heard she was somewhere licking icing
off of Jack. Might want to double check with Wenchie.
She’s over at the Bells sniffing peanuts.
SANDS
Thanks, will do that. Adios amigo!
(heads to Bells)
Hey, you! Where’s the Wench?
JACK
The Wench? You mean she’s not here? She’s suppose to be
sniffing me peanuts. Can’t eat until she’s sniffed.
Must go find Wenchie.
No Wenchie here Jack. No peanuts either. You go back Bells.
Stay off Feng’s ship.
JACK
Parlay?
CC
Parlay? Hold up Feng. Man wants to parlay. And let me tell you,
he can sure parlay with his oboe.
JACK
Me oboe? That’s what ye be calling it now?
CC
I’ll call it anything you want…compass, sword…just give me a
chance to parlay.
JACK
Excuse us Feng, while I let CC parlay with me oboe.
Peanuts, oboes. Pirate crazy! Me needs Winnie.
Me needs nails done.
JACK
Well, that oboe lesson went well. Now, off to find me
peanut sniffer. What is this?
VIANNE
Jack! Jack! Oh good come here, I need some help.
I got a pregnant lady here who’s going the natural route
and I need a hand.
VIANNE
Now that was plain rude.
Ah! The baby is here!
WILMA
Here you go Vianne, pirate scarf for the darling.
TRUDY
Was That Jack? Running Away? Wait, Wait For Me!
WILMA
That Trudy sure does love being Jacked.
LARALNZY
It’s ‘cause he’s a naughty little sausage, you know?
WILMA
CC says it’s his oboe.
IDZY
Well, Idzy claims it’s all about the Pop Pop pants.
Hey, what’s this dental floss doing strung up here like this?
LARA
Not sure Idzy. Maybe you can get someone to cut it down.
Like Elizabeth?
IDZY
Damn chit. She opens her mouth one more time
about that sword…I’ll…I’ll…
“Say lass, I hear Idzy’s looking for ye….”
CESAR
Pardon me ladies. Have you seen Giselle?
IDZY
If I’m not mistaken, I think there was a Puddle around the corner.
CESAR
Ahh, yes. It is her. See how she shimmers in the moonlight.
(INSIDE THE BELLS)
RUSTY
One button, two buttons, three buttons…
CORSO
Rusty, what are you doing?
RUSTY
Counting the buttons on your fly.
CORSO
My pants have a zipper
RUSTY
My bad!
MORTSMISTRESS
Mort, honey, why are you sitting out here?
MORT
Trying to figure out your second-hand computer issues.
Let me put on my thinking cap.
MOHO
Well maybe my hand can help?
MORT
Talk about a second hand!
EPS (entering Sweet Shoppe)
I’m looking for something sweet. But nothing sugarless..
gone that route.
PROPRIETOR
Welcome to the Sweet Tater Candy Shoppe. I think I have
what you need in the back. Follow me, please.
It’s called our Sweet Potato Ragamuffin specialty.
What do you think?
EPS
I’ll take a gross!
ARUAM (Sweet Tater’s assistant)
A gross…that would be 144. Passed my statistics,
so I know all about numbers. I can personally pack your order.
We pride ourselves with hands-on service, you know.
EPS
Sounds good. Off to catch my seat for the concert.
Can you deliver them late tomorrow? Think I might sleep in.
Sanity day and all. On second thought…maybe I’ll take my
order with me now, so I’ll have some Ragamuffin in the morning.
Gotta go! Show’s starting!
SMITTEN (knocking upon Sweeney’s Shoppe)
I heard you give rutting, I mean rousing, singing lessons.
SWEENEY (blushing)
I have been known to drive creatures wild.
SMITTEN
Well, I’m here to sign up. I brought references.
(hands Sweeney official graduation document from
the Sesame Street Sing-A-Song Academy)
SWEENEY
Come in child. Let’s celebrate this great union with a few
meat pies. Celine, my darling. A meat pie for Smitten.
Celine has the best hands for kneading, don’t you love?
CELINE
I had a wonderful teacher.
(Keyboard music from back room)
SWEENEY (to Smitten)
Maybe you and Quiet Pirate can get together, form an act.
She’s been a quick study. Those fingers know how to fly.
(over at the Deppville Boarding House)
HOPE
Say, Kitchen Guy, have you seen FaveD or Pricesa?
I told them to keep their noses out of the books today
so we won’t be late for the concert.
Are they in the next room studying?
“Nope”
HOPE
Oh my, well, maybe I can catch them there.
Maybe afters they can help me decide on a tattoo. Thanks!
FAVE D and PRICESA(From under the table)
Who was that?
KG
Hope. She wanted to know if you two were studying
in your room.
I didn’t lie. You’re not in your room.
PRICESA
Yeah, but we sure are studying!
(AT the Concert Hall)
JOHNNYSGIRL
Dang it! I can’t get in with my pass.
JACK
Here luv, let ol’ Jack have a peek
Hmm, that doesn’t look like a proper pass.
Did you do something to it?
JG
Well, yes, I tried to change…
JACK
No mind luv. Let me get the Tool to help me figure it out.
What do you think boy?
WILL
I think we need to call Babs.
JACK
Fine mind! There ye go lass. Call on Babs and just like that
(snaps fingers) yer problems solved.
JG
Thanks guys.
CRICKET (at the concession stand)
Can I get an ice tea?
“Certainly, Cricket. Unsweeten, right?
CRICKET
Why yes, that’s great that you know that.
Now, do you know where I can find ‘me grits’?
TEA GUY
That’s two booths down. At the Corn Corner.
CORN CORNER GUY
“We make our own grits here. The really, really, old fashion way.
Would you like a bite of my cob?”
CRICKET
Hey, I’m game for anything!
(BACKSTAGE)
DEBB
Where’s Shutterbug? She’s suppose to have the slides for
tonight’s concert and driving Tweaker here.
Can’t start my concert without pics and a guitarist.
TICKLER
She called a few minutes ago. Stuck in traffic.
Something about two hours, thirty miles.
But she’ll be here as soon as she can.
DEBB
Well, glad she’s safe, but what am I going to do about a
guitar man in the mean time?
(raspy voice to Tickler…)
“You’re in me way boy… maybe I can help”
DEBB
Great! Someone give this man a guitar.
RASPY STRANGER
I’ll take that one.
Hold up, that’s my guitar.
RASPY STRANGER
And your point?
ROUX relinquishes guitar.
DEPPVILLE CONCERT HALL
DEBB
Ahoy! Everyone!
HUNNIES
Ahoy! Debb!
DEBB
While we wait for Shutterbug, want to ask
you all, how many of you has been Jacked?
Whoops, hollers, hand raising
Thought as much. Now, we have a special guest tonight.
An additional guitarist, I hope you make him feel welcomed,
as I know only you Hunnies can do.
(mumbling heard from loo—all heads turn)
Yes, thank you Roux. I know you are honored to give up
your guitar this evening. I am sure Babs will reward
you properly for your unselfish act.
Now, this evening’s song is dedicated to our own and only,
Jack Sparrow.
HUNNIES
That’s CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow!
DEBB
My mistake. Well, shall we?
Special guest? Would you like to lead the count?
SPECIAL GUEST
Not really.
DEBB
Yes, well…okay…a-one, and a-two…
Nobody does it better,
makes me feel sad for the rest,
Nobody does it half as good as you, baby,
you’re the best.
I wasn’t lookin’ but somehow you found me.
I tried to hide from your love light,
But like heaven above me,
the spy who loved me,
Is keeping all my secrets safe tonight.
Nobody does it better, sometimes I wish someone could.
Nobody does it quite the way you do. did you have to be so good?
The way that you hold me, whenever you hold me,
There’s some kind of magic inside you,
That keeps me from runnin’, but just keep it comin’,
How’d you learn to do the things you do?
And nobody does it better, makes me feel sad for the rest.
Nobody does it half as good as you.
Baby, baby, baby you’re the best!
HUNNIES rise singing “Baby, baby, You’re the Best!”
Dance out of hall to Bells
NG
Another success I’d say.
DEBB
Thank you NG, but you know…no one does it better for me than you.
NG (smirking)
Hope you’d say that. Maybe I show you one of my better moves?
DEBB
Baby you’re the best!
SPECIAL GUEST
That’s what I like to see…keeping to the code!
Good job boy!
JUNE 2007 CONCERT
JENNY enters Bells, tossing down binoculars and stag atlers.
JENNY
Well they didn’t help.
JL4 (refilling peanut bowls)
Not to be nibby…get it nibby, peanuts…peanut nib? Never mind.
What’s with the antlers?
JENNY
Was trying for a scoop. Heard that Sweeny was out in the
woods practicing his singing and thought I could entice
him out with the sound of rutting stags.
JL4 (glancing and nodding towards window)
Take a gander
JENNY
No, JL4, not Fanny’s ganders, not geese. I was looking for …oh!
“You called?”
JENNY
Damn! I’m going to get my interview.
(runs out door)
JL4
Just don’t take any meat pies he offers!
KAT
Speaking of pies JL4, look at my new purse. Ain’t it cute?
And just right for carrying said pies.
(opens purse up to reveal fresh pie)
JL4 (making face)
You want something to drink with that?
AGGIE
Hey, someone want to go out and run interference with Fanny?
I’d do it but as you can see, my hands are filled
with Tommy’s balls.
(shocked gasp—Aggie rolls eyes)
Bowling balls people. Geesh!
DEPPUTIZED
Hold up, I’ll go see, as soon as I get this bandana
around my head and get my ciggy rolled and licked.
Fred taught me how to lick, didn’t you sweetie?
“Yes, and a fine student you proved yourself to be”
DEPPUTIZED
Oh, did I get carried away. Sorry honey. Okay, let me see
what’s going on with Fanny.
FANNY
Hey! You! CSI Guy! Can’t you see the sign?
It says RESERVED FANNY
WARWICK
I saw the sign. I thought it meant…
FANNY
Never mind what ya thought. You thought wrong.
Why are you thinking at all and what the hell you doing i
n Deppville?Lost? Need a map? Go to the library.
Ms Debb will help ya!
WARWICK
But she said to come see you.
FANNY
Figures! Well, I don’t have time to mess with you.
On my way to “Bracelet Re-stringing 101” See?
Even got my own dental floss.
(plucks at floss stringed between Bells, Hut, and Coffee)
Found another use for it. Keeps me from getting lost
between my favorite places, especially late at night after
a few Stellas. Lord knows, can’t depend on the Babster
when she’s had a few and trying to walk in those new
sandals of hers.
Oh! Hey Babs! Didn’t hear you sneak up.
BABS (dragging pillow and blanket)
The up side of new sandals. By the way, do you know what
bed I’m sleeping in tonight?
ROUX
I have a suggestion.
BABS
No need to vote on it. I’m up for it!
ROUX
So am I!
(BABS and ROUX run off for the dock)
“Did I hear someone is up for it? As always, so am I.
I want my chocolat NOW!”
“Here you go m’Lord.”
“I said Chocolat not chocolates you lump! Get those
Russell Stovers out of my sight! Bring me the Lady!”
CHOCOLAT (rushing in holding Chivas and Kitty)
You rang for me m’Lord? How did you know I was pining for you?
WILMOT (pointing to Kitty)
What, pray tell, is that pitiful creature?
CHOCOLAT
This dear thing? It’s Betty, our new kitten. Beats that monkey,
don’t you think? Jackie found her and…
WILMOT
Jackie?
CHOCOLAT (blushing)
I mean Jack. Just a little endearment.
WILMOT
You are to endear yourself to no one but me, do you understand?
CHOCOLAT
Oh…I do love it when you get riled.
WILMOT
The carriage NOW! I shall show you rile!
CHOCOLAT
Tee-hee
“Excuse me, I’m looking for MPJ. Have you seen her?
I hear she likes Mexican food and Dairy Queen ice cream.
Thought she and I could head south of the border…
though I wouldn’t mind going south of the border…
if you know what I mean?”
OTHER DUDE
Not sure, thought I heard she was somewhere licking icing
off of Jack. Might want to double check with Wenchie.
She’s over at the Bells sniffing peanuts.
SANDS
Thanks, will do that. Adios amigo!
(heads to Bells)
Hey, you! Where’s the Wench?
JACK
The Wench? You mean she’s not here? She’s suppose to be
sniffing me peanuts. Can’t eat until she’s sniffed.
Must go find Wenchie.
No Wenchie here Jack. No peanuts either. You go back Bells.
Stay off Feng’s ship.
JACK
Parlay?
CC
Parlay? Hold up Feng. Man wants to parlay. And let me tell you,
he can sure parlay with his oboe.
JACK
Me oboe? That’s what ye be calling it now?
CC
I’ll call it anything you want…compass, sword…just give me a
chance to parlay.
JACK
Excuse us Feng, while I let CC parlay with me oboe.
Peanuts, oboes. Pirate crazy! Me needs Winnie.
Me needs nails done.
JACK
Well, that oboe lesson went well. Now, off to find me
peanut sniffer. What is this?
VIANNE
Jack! Jack! Oh good come here, I need some help.
I got a pregnant lady here who’s going the natural route
and I need a hand.
VIANNE
Now that was plain rude.
Ah! The baby is here!
WILMA
Here you go Vianne, pirate scarf for the darling.
TRUDY
Was That Jack? Running Away? Wait, Wait For Me!
WILMA
That Trudy sure does love being Jacked.
LARALNZY
It’s ‘cause he’s a naughty little sausage, you know?
WILMA
CC says it’s his oboe.
IDZY
Well, Idzy claims it’s all about the Pop Pop pants.
Hey, what’s this dental floss doing strung up here like this?
LARA
Not sure Idzy. Maybe you can get someone to cut it down.
Like Elizabeth?
IDZY
Damn chit. She opens her mouth one more time
about that sword…I’ll…I’ll…
“Say lass, I hear Idzy’s looking for ye….”
CESAR
Pardon me ladies. Have you seen Giselle?
IDZY
If I’m not mistaken, I think there was a Puddle around the corner.
CESAR
Ahh, yes. It is her. See how she shimmers in the moonlight.
(INSIDE THE BELLS)
RUSTY
One button, two buttons, three buttons…
CORSO
Rusty, what are you doing?
RUSTY
Counting the buttons on your fly.
CORSO
My pants have a zipper
RUSTY
My bad!
MORTSMISTRESS
Mort, honey, why are you sitting out here?
MORT
Trying to figure out your second-hand computer issues.
Let me put on my thinking cap.
MOHO
Well maybe my hand can help?
MORT
Talk about a second hand!
EPS (entering Sweet Shoppe)
I’m looking for something sweet. But nothing sugarless..
gone that route.
PROPRIETOR
Welcome to the Sweet Tater Candy Shoppe. I think I have
what you need in the back. Follow me, please.
It’s called our Sweet Potato Ragamuffin specialty.
What do you think?
EPS
I’ll take a gross!
ARUAM (Sweet Tater’s assistant)
A gross…that would be 144. Passed my statistics,
so I know all about numbers. I can personally pack your order.
We pride ourselves with hands-on service, you know.
EPS
Sounds good. Off to catch my seat for the concert.
Can you deliver them late tomorrow? Think I might sleep in.
Sanity day and all. On second thought…maybe I’ll take my
order with me now, so I’ll have some Ragamuffin in the morning.
Gotta go! Show’s starting!
SMITTEN (knocking upon Sweeney’s Shoppe)
I heard you give rutting, I mean rousing, singing lessons.
SWEENEY (blushing)
I have been known to drive creatures wild.
SMITTEN
Well, I’m here to sign up. I brought references.
(hands Sweeney official graduation document from
the Sesame Street Sing-A-Song Academy)
SWEENEY
Come in child. Let’s celebrate this great union with a few
meat pies. Celine, my darling. A meat pie for Smitten.
Celine has the best hands for kneading, don’t you love?
CELINE
I had a wonderful teacher.
(Keyboard music from back room)
SWEENEY (to Smitten)
Maybe you and Quiet Pirate can get together, form an act.
She’s been a quick study. Those fingers know how to fly.
(over at the Deppville Boarding House)
HOPE
Say, Kitchen Guy, have you seen FaveD or Pricesa?
I told them to keep their noses out of the books today
so we won’t be late for the concert.
Are they in the next room studying?
“Nope”
HOPE
Oh my, well, maybe I can catch them there.
Maybe afters they can help me decide on a tattoo. Thanks!
FAVE D and PRICESA(From under the table)
Who was that?
KG
Hope. She wanted to know if you two were studying
in your room.
I didn’t lie. You’re not in your room.
PRICESA
Yeah, but we sure are studying!
(AT the Concert Hall)
JOHNNYSGIRL
Dang it! I can’t get in with my pass.
JACK
Here luv, let ol’ Jack have a peek
Hmm, that doesn’t look like a proper pass.
Did you do something to it?
JG
Well, yes, I tried to change…
JACK
No mind luv. Let me get the Tool to help me figure it out.
What do you think boy?
WILL
I think we need to call Babs.
JACK
Fine mind! There ye go lass. Call on Babs and just like that
(snaps fingers) yer problems solved.
JG
Thanks guys.
CRICKET (at the concession stand)
Can I get an ice tea?
“Certainly, Cricket. Unsweeten, right?
CRICKET
Why yes, that’s great that you know that.
Now, do you know where I can find ‘me grits’?
TEA GUY
That’s two booths down. At the Corn Corner.
CORN CORNER GUY
“We make our own grits here. The really, really, old fashion way.
Would you like a bite of my cob?”
CRICKET
Hey, I’m game for anything!
(BACKSTAGE)
DEBB
Where’s Shutterbug? She’s suppose to have the slides for
tonight’s concert and driving Tweaker here.
Can’t start my concert without pics and a guitarist.
TICKLER
She called a few minutes ago. Stuck in traffic.
Something about two hours, thirty miles.
But she’ll be here as soon as she can.
DEBB
Well, glad she’s safe, but what am I going to do about a
guitar man in the mean time?
(raspy voice to Tickler…)
“You’re in me way boy… maybe I can help”
DEBB
Great! Someone give this man a guitar.
RASPY STRANGER
I’ll take that one.
Hold up, that’s my guitar.
RASPY STRANGER
And your point?
ROUX relinquishes guitar.
DEPPVILLE CONCERT HALL
DEBB
Ahoy! Everyone!
HUNNIES
Ahoy! Debb!
DEBB
While we wait for Shutterbug, want to ask
you all, how many of you has been Jacked?
Whoops, hollers, hand raising
Thought as much. Now, we have a special guest tonight.
An additional guitarist, I hope you make him feel welcomed,
as I know only you Hunnies can do.
(mumbling heard from loo—all heads turn)
Yes, thank you Roux. I know you are honored to give up
your guitar this evening. I am sure Babs will reward
you properly for your unselfish act.
Now, this evening’s song is dedicated to our own and only,
Jack Sparrow.
HUNNIES
That’s CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow!
DEBB
My mistake. Well, shall we?
Special guest? Would you like to lead the count?
SPECIAL GUEST
Not really.
DEBB
Yes, well…okay…a-one, and a-two…
Nobody does it better,
makes me feel sad for the rest,
Nobody does it half as good as you, baby,
you’re the best.
I wasn’t lookin’ but somehow you found me.
I tried to hide from your love light,
But like heaven above me,
the spy who loved me,
Is keeping all my secrets safe tonight.
Nobody does it better, sometimes I wish someone could.
Nobody does it quite the way you do. did you have to be so good?
The way that you hold me, whenever you hold me,
There’s some kind of magic inside you,
That keeps me from runnin’, but just keep it comin’,
How’d you learn to do the things you do?
And nobody does it better, makes me feel sad for the rest.
Nobody does it half as good as you.
Baby, baby, baby you’re the best!
HUNNIES rise singing “Baby, baby, You’re the Best!”
Dance out of hall to Bells
NG
Another success I’d say.
DEBB
Thank you NG, but you know…no one does it better for me than you.
NG (smirking)
Hope you’d say that. Maybe I show you one of my better moves?
DEBB
Baby you’re the best!
SPECIAL GUEST
That’s what I like to see…keeping to the code!
Good job boy!