12-27-2007, 10:50 PM
September 2007 Concert
SWEENY TODD MEAT PIES AND BARBER SHOPPE
JENNY
So is it true, Mr. Todd, that you might be auditioning for the
new Dark Shadows film?
“And I would want to do that because?”
JENNY
Why because I think you’d be perfect for the part.
TODD
Perfection? Perfection is a fine honed blade upon smooth skin.
(moves closer)
Do you wish to experience perfection?
JENNY
Uhmm…maybe another time. I have more reporting to do.
Shutterbug, take some pics.
TODD
Be sure to sample the meat pies before you go. Smitten and LaJae
have
been doing a fine job.
JENNY
Oh yeah? Well maybe you should go downstairs and take a peek
now and again. I think all Smitten’s been doing is watching movies.
“Smitten, you were suppose to be making the pies”
SMITTEN
Yes, well, Deadly Dearest. I just took a break and that break lead
to another and before I knew it I was having my own Deppville-
palooza. Been a while you know?
TODD
I do know. And LaJae?
LAJAE
Present and accounted for Sweeny, my luv! Look! I invented
Strawberry Swirls
To go with the meat pies. Try one! As Babs says…Fantabulous!
TODD
Not bad. Perhaps we’ll add it to the menu. But for now, I need you
back where you belong.
LAJAE
Not that teeny tiny office, please Sweeny…can’t I stay out here and
wait on the customers?
TODD
Don’t jump the maglite, my friend. I was going to make you a
better offer but if you wish, you may tend to the customers.
*LAJAE goes off mumbling, wondering what the other offer was, finds
first customer of the day waiting*
DEPPUTZIED (eyeing Sweeny)
Yum, look at all that meat….I mean the pie…yum, all that meat pie.
Give me one so I can light up.
LAJAE
What’s that? You don’t light up pies?
DEPPUTIZED
Been trying to quit the ciggy habit. I find I’m lighting everything
up nowadays.
Just need a little something to help me along you know?
SMITTEN
Go check out the Information Board over at the Hut. There might be something hanging over there that can help..
DEPPUTIZED
Mmmm, would love to find something hanging…oh, right, you mean
a flyer. Ok, good idea.
THE COFFEE HUT
BABS
What is it darling?
JAVA JETHRO (the Hut’s Assistant Barista)
Two things, really Miss BabsyMae
This here lawyer-like paper, I thinks its from Gronks. Contract or something. And this here? Looks like an ad-ver--tis-ment from one
of those Mr. Miyagi types. Claims to help you with your troubles.
BABS
There are no troubles here in Deppville. Everything is Fantabulous.
JAVA JETHRO
Well, about that BabsyMae, you know sometimes things creep up on
you and all. Like the time cc brought in that potato juice. I liked it,
but you weren’t keen on it.
BABS
Do people still say keen? And where is this Zen guy?
JAVA JETHRO
They say ‘keen’ as often as they all say “flunked” I suppose. Zen Guy
is over in the Meditation Corner.
ZEN GUY
That’s it ME, “hand on….hand off”
DEPPUTIZED
Have to admit, keeping my mind off of smoking but still have this urge
to lick something.
ZEN GUY
That comes later my little grasshopper. For now, just the hand jive.
CC (entering Hut singing Doors tunes, making ‘squish, squish’ sounds)
BABS
Sorry cc-lou, not sure what you’re singing there. Before my time
I guess.
Darling, did you wipe your feet before you came in here?
CC (taking off shoes)
Sorry Babsters, s’not my fault. Drainage problem. My sox are wet too. See?
BABS
Yes, but can you at least have Laralynzy’s friends take their shoes off
as well?
LARA’S FRIENDS
“We’re not wearin’ any shoes, luv”
BABS
I’ll be in the loo if anyone needs me.
IDZY
Never fear! IDZERS is here! Let me just take this shmata and I’ll
have this place cleaner than a porcelain bowl, if you get my drift.
Can even clean this porcelain dog…wait a minute…Abberline!
Come get your mutt!
“Oh, poor Pochie Po….did the big ol’ Idzy try to wipe you with her shmata?”
QUIET PIRATE (sweeping Pooch off chair)
French.
IDZY
Sorry QP?
QUIET PIRATE
You said ‘mutt’. Poochie Poo is French…
IDZY
How you know that? Did he go “oui-oui”? HA HA! Get it?
QUIET PIRATE
Got it.
FRED
Thanks QP for saving the pooch. How can I repay you?
(an hour later/ Fred’s place)
“Goodness, I don’t think I can call you Quiet anymore!”
BACK AT THE HUT
IDZY (using shmata to polish helmet that Celine is wearing)
Still won’t come off girl! Give it to me so I can do a better job.
CELINE
I keep telling you Idzy, it’s not suppose to come off. It’s a bunch of
words that I can’t read. And I’m not taking it off. How will I
protect myself from the bats?
(Electric buzzing…FRZZZ…FRZZZ)
“Got your help right here Celine! Takes care of those flying rats every time!
BABS (leaving loo)
Excuse me for a second Roux. I have some business to tend to.
ROUX
No worries, my chocolate drop. Besides, I like watching you walk
in those new sandals.
BABS (smiling coyly)
Yes, they are fantabulous aren’t they? Be right back.
(puts on her game face)
Duke! Here! Now!
RAOUL
My, my Babsy Wabsy. Sounding a bit like the ol’ Earl. What can I
do for you doll face.
BABS
Don’t call me doll…reminds me of that….never mind. How many
times have I told you to leave your tools at the door?
RAOUL
You never tell Roux to leave his tools at the door. Why is he special?
BABS
“Cause I use his tools. Now…give it up.
IDZY
Whoa, look at the water in here. Didn’t think cc sloshed in that much. Well, good thing this shmata is absorbent.
“glug glug glug”
“Hey? this puddle is trying to talk…oh wait…Giselle? Is that you?
GISELLE
“Glug”
IDZY
Sorry babe. Here, let me put you somewhere. Here you go.
*wrings Puddles into bucket*
Hey Jack…take this will you.
Somewhere safe. It’s very special.
JACK *falsetto voice*
Here Jack….take this somewhere safe.
Here Jack….very special.
I’ll show her special.
*returns to Hut with empty bucket*
IDZY
Jack…where is Giselle? She was in the bucket.
JACK (realizing his mistake)
She’s in a better place for now.
IDZY
Okay. Just so she’s safe.
VIANNE
WhatchagonnadoJack?
JACK
Buggers! I got to go save her!
Coming Puddles!
FANNY (pointing)
Who’s that?
WILMA (lazing in her hammock)
No, Who’s over there.
FANNY
Stop correcting my grammar. Asked you a question. What was it?
WILMA
What’s over there.
FANNY
You’re asking me? Looks like delTorro. But who’s that with him?
WILMA
Not Who. That’s…I Don’t Care.
FANNY
Fine! Be that way! Why do you keep waving that paper plate?
WILMA
Because paper makes great fans. Better than plastic.
FANNY
Paper! Plastic! What do you think this is? Supermarket?
Got to use the real deal.
(hefts china plates under arm)
WILMA
Fanny, these aren’t good for fanning myself…ha ha…fanning…fanny…
FANNY
Yeah, yeah, got. And you’re not taken my directions well are you.
Listen up and I won’t flip ye, cap slap ye, or impale ye. You just
throw them. Makes you feel better. Sam, bring me those dishes
Pricesa brought back from that Greetalian..
SAM
But we’re using them right now Fanny
FANNY
Someday I’m gonna burn all my bridges here and never
look back. Maybe I need to go to those township meetings
cc keeps talking about and put in my two cents. Like anyone
would listen to me. Where’s Jins? She’ll back me up.
TOWN HALL
JINS *checks watch*
I tell you Deputy Mayor, they’ll be here anytime soon.
Just give them all a few minutes.
DEPUTY MAYOR
Well, you know, Jins, here in Deppville, this is about as rowdy
as town meetings get, except that time Animal Control had
to created because of Pink Elephants and penguins…
Fanny’s doing you know? Then we had to put the
“Watch the Geese” signs all over town because of …ah, yes, Fanny.
Then there was that Calendar-gate…days of the week one
day behind…had to keep bumping them up…Fanny of course.
Then she was going door to door for donations.
JINS
Quite admirable.
DM
I didn’t tell you want kind of donations she was looking for.
Wait, seeing a pattern here.
JINS
What are you doing Deputy Mayor?
DM
I don’t want to hear anymore about Fanny.
JINS
But Deputy Mayor, you’re the one talking about her.
DM
You’re right. Motion to adjourn this meeting. All in favor?
Motion carried.
Let’s go to the concert.
CONCERT HALL
PEGS233
Evening, Kat. My that’s a nasty bump
KAT
Gardening accident.
PEGS233
I know what can make you feel better. Go over to the
Hugging Booth. I been there all day. Had to take a breather.
Going over to the Kissing Booth
now.
*Points in Kissing Booth direction*
Tommy’s raising money for new balls.
Only problem is, I hear Aggie’s kind of keeps butting in line.
KAT
I see that. Think I’ll try the Hugging Booth then.
“Oh yeah, this is working.”
EPS
Say, aruam and AmryJR, wanna try some Johnny cakes?
Hot off the griddle. Not just for breakfast anymore.
Just put those school books down aruam and try one.
AmryJR…what about you?
AMRYJR
Sorry, I’m manning the donation booth for. SLoD. Care to give?
EPS
Whats that stand for? SLoD?
AMRYJR
Sadistic Librarians of Deppville. Their numbers are growing you know?
EPS
Not sure that’s a good thing, but sure. Here’s a dollar.
Make sure you hit Idzy up too. She;s always willing to
give for those a day late and dollar short. But now that
the Deputy Mayor has the calendars fixed, I don’t think
anyone’s a day late anymore. By the way, if you see
MyPirateJohnny, tell her I need more cups, glasses,
whatever she’s got.
(Back at the HUT)
CHOCOLAT
Look! I won $500!
RUSTYRED
Good my fellow red-head. You can buy me some chicken soup.
Feeling a bit under the weather, and speaking of which,
I got a hole in me umbrelly, maybe you can spring for a
new one of them too.
CHOCOLAT
Sure, sure. Or maybe Meatball-less Wedding Soup.
When did you catch the bug?
RUSTY
Been a while, really. Started last year.
Felt like I was being smothered by a pillow.
SWEENY (walking by)
“Pillows take too long”
RUSTY
What did that guy say?
CHOCOLAT
Forget about him for now. I’ll ask him later. Gonna teach
me how to polish my holster. Let me buy you that soup.
RUSTY
Sure. How did you win the money?
CHOCOLAT
Cash cab!
RUSTY
We have one of them around here?
CHOCOLAT
Sure, lookie out the window.
RUSTY
What questions did he ask you?
CHOCOLAT
Questions? He was suppose to ask questions?
TRUDY
Hey Jack! How You Doing!
“TruD, luv, how ye doing?”
TRUDY
Want To See My Balloons!!
Should ye be calling them that Miss TruD?
TRUDY
No! Jack! Not Them! These….See? Pirate Balloon, Parrott Balloon…
“I think ol’Jack prefers the other balloons. Would you care to
show me more in me cabin? If you have the “helium”
I need something inflated.”
(Down at the River)
.
“Yes Wenchie? What can I do ye for? Aren’t y’suppose to be writing?
WENCHIE
Hired some help to edit, clean up the pages, you know.
Said he could kill a few hours while I was away.
(thinks about Assistant)
Anyway, reason I came, is needed to tell her that there’s a bit
of a pest problem in Deppville House, where Childstar works,
you know, next to Sleepy Hollow Inn? See? Early Worms.
Wait, Roux, what are you doing?
ROUX
Problem solved. They have a bit of a Halloweeny aftertaste.
WENCHIE
(Giggles at thought of Hollow Weenies)
Gee thanks Roux. Okay, I’ll let CStar and Ich know.
CHILDSTAR
I told you it was all your fault! Those worms are coming from your Inn!
WENCHIE
Guess I’ll be leaving now.
CONCERT HALL
SPOOKYGIRL
Say, Lerner, think I could borrow your helmet? Seems I too am
having a bat problem like Celine.
LERNER
Sure, just don’t let Idzy try to clean it with her shmata, okay.
I’ll be over at the Bells
having a strawberry daiquiri with Pricesa. Tried LaJae’s swirlies,
but too girly.
*At Calendar Souvenir Stand*
LUV
I’m partial to this one. Everyday is Thursday. I always think
it’s Thursday you know? And what a good price.
FANNY (in sunglasses and hat disguise)
Yeah, yeah, good price. Must go. Bumping the inventory.
Snooze ya loose. So snap it up girly.
LUV
Does it come with batteries?
FANNY
wtf? Batteries? It’s freakin’ calendar, kid. What do you
want with batteries?
LUV
Just thought it would be a nice touch, vibrating Jack.
Don’t you agree?
FANNY
Got me there. Okay, I’ll throw in batteries, but up to you
to figure out the rest.
LUV
Deal.
“You stole me batteries!”
JACK
Did not.
ANNA
Did too!
JACK
Did not and I can prove it! I have a witness!
ANNA
Who?
*Elbows Mr.Gibbs…who looks startled and focuses*
GIBBS
Aye, must-a been a sand bar.
(whispers)
That be right, yes Jack?
*Jack rolls eyes*
ANNA
Don’t believe you! Get another witness!
JACK
Puddles. Been with me all day,she has.
ANNA
Yeah? Where is she now?
“I remember…I put her in me jar of dirt”
ANNA
Think about that Jack.
ANNA
Never mind. I’ll get back to you. Hey there’s Luv!
She’s got me batteries! Get her!
*down at Secret Window Circle*
CHOFY
Hey, Mort. Can MoHo come to the concert?
MORT
Sorry, she’s busy. Listening to The Doors and packing for her
river trip Nice shirt Chofy.
CHOFY
Oh this thing. Big and white and comfy. And check this out…
it was written all over. See here? PAPA…and over here,
not sure what the artist was on at the time…
but I’m told it’s one of a kind and …hey…
hold up…
that guys wearing the same shirt!
*talking same time*
“Where’d you get that shirt?...Fanny sold it to me…Figures!”
CONCERT HALL
“Tickets please, thank you.. Thank you…Fave D…what happened to you?”
FAVED (covered head to toe in seahells)
Debb’s bright idea for a craft. Hot glued them all over me.
Hey you…stop laughing!
*Hunnies enter Concert Hall, mill around, take seats*
IDZY
Hey Choc, here’s your shmata back. Worked miracles today, I tell ya.
CHOC
Say? This isn’t a shmata. This is my special hankie!
Great tiddly winks! What did you do with it?
WHAT
I didn’t do anything with it.
CHOC
What?
WHAT
Yes?
CHOC
Who did you say did it?
WHAT
I don’t think it was Who either.
CHOC
Who did What?
WHAT
I’m beg your pardon? I don’t swing that way.
CHOC
What way?
WHAT
That’s right. My way is the only way.
CHOC
Which way is that?
WHAT
I don’t think I know Which. Point him out.
CHOC
Who?
WHAT
No, I know Who.
CHOC
Then tell me. Who did it?
WHAT
You’ve been hanging out with Mr. Gibbs too long.
You’re not making any sense.
The show’s starting. I’m going to take my seat.
WILMOT
Welcome, ladies, gentlemen, Hunnies. I have been bestowed
the honor this month of introducing September’s concert.
Debb wishes to send off the Hunnies who are about to embark
on a great journey to our Northern cousins and wishes them
well on their trip.
By the way, should any of you find yourselves
lacking transportation, I have the mode of travel
just outside the door.
Please register with Alcock at your convenience.
Now, for you delight and pleasure
(and if you do partake of both, I do so wish to join you)
Allow me to introduce for the Noobies, and those that find
their memories are less than stellar,
Debb and the Triple Threat Trio.
Give a warm welcome to Tickler.
*applause applause*
Twanger
and Fiddler
DEBB
Thank you Lord Rochester. Welcome Hunnies!
HUNNIES
Back at you Debb!
DEBB
As it’s been said. This month finds a number of our Hunnies
heading to Toronto. I wanted to send them off in style
TWANGER
“I thought it was to warn Toronto”
DEBB
Never mind him. So not to delay the concert I give you
Big & Rich’s “Comin’ To Your City” Enjoy….1, 2…a-1, 2.3.
Well we're comin to your city
Gonna play our guitars and sing you a country song
We'll all be flyin higher than a jet air liner
And if you wanna little bang in your ying yang come along
Well we flew through Cincinnati
And we all got really happy
Grabbed a bowl of that sky line chili along the way
Then we rolled on into Kansas
Scared the hell outta Marilyn Manson
And the party started happenin
Hey hey hey
Well we're comin to your city
Gonna play our guitars and sing you a country song
We'll all be flyin higher than a jet air liner
And if you wanna little bang in your ying yang come along
Then in the middle of a Charleston night
We ran into Jessica White
And a little moonshine
got us right plum smacked insane
Well we broke down in Greenville
In the middle of a cornfield
But a Bud Light truck driver pulled up and helped us out
So we then headed up to Philly
Partied down like real hillbillies
Brought the Music Mafia
And rocked it out
And Chipowas where we go
When we're up in Buffalo
Don't you know those yankees drink enough to DROWN
Well we're comin to your city
Gonna play our guitars and sing you a country song
We'll all be flyin higher than a jet air liner
And if you wanna little bang in your ying yang come along
Listen up
Now LA's got the freaks
That brings them 50 dollar drinks
And San Antonio was a wild wild rodeo
And then Phoenix, Arizona
We drank way too much Corona
And we woke up by the river
Just sittin cold
Yeah, yeah
We're comin to your city
We're gonna play our guitars and sing you a country song
We'll all be flyin higher than a jet air liner
And if you wanna little bang in your ying yang
If you wanna little zing in your zang zang
If you wanna little ting in your tang tang
Come along, come along, come along, come along
Yeah, we're comin to your city
HUNNIES (Jumping up to head over to Bells)
“IF you wanna little bang in your ying yang
If you wanna little zing in your zang zang
If you wanna little ting in your tang tang…
they’re coming to your city!”
NG
Do you think Toronto’s been warned?
DEBB
Can you ever really warn anyplace about the Hunnies?
NG
Point taken. While they’re gone, who’s going to mind the businesses?
DEBB and NG
Oh my
DEPPVILLE TRANSPORTATION CENTER
JACK
All have yer tickets for Toronto ready please.
White tickets are by horseback
Blue tickets go to the Bus Terminal
Purple tix must go to the airport
Green ones are for auto-rentals
Yellow tickets are going by Cash Cab.
Black tickets, well that be the Pearl of course.
and last but not least…wait…red? I don’t recall red being
on the manifest. What are the red tickets for? Anyone?
Have a safe and fun trip to Toronto Hunnies. And for the rest of us…let the festivities begin!
"If you want a little bang in your yang yang!"
Jessica White
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/swimsui...white.html
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VAFsCygHK84
SWEENY TODD MEAT PIES AND BARBER SHOPPE
JENNY
So is it true, Mr. Todd, that you might be auditioning for the
new Dark Shadows film?
“And I would want to do that because?”
JENNY
Why because I think you’d be perfect for the part.
TODD
Perfection? Perfection is a fine honed blade upon smooth skin.
(moves closer)
Do you wish to experience perfection?
JENNY
Uhmm…maybe another time. I have more reporting to do.
Shutterbug, take some pics.
TODD
Be sure to sample the meat pies before you go. Smitten and LaJae
have
been doing a fine job.
JENNY
Oh yeah? Well maybe you should go downstairs and take a peek
now and again. I think all Smitten’s been doing is watching movies.
“Smitten, you were suppose to be making the pies”
SMITTEN
Yes, well, Deadly Dearest. I just took a break and that break lead
to another and before I knew it I was having my own Deppville-
palooza. Been a while you know?
TODD
I do know. And LaJae?
LAJAE
Present and accounted for Sweeny, my luv! Look! I invented
Strawberry Swirls
To go with the meat pies. Try one! As Babs says…Fantabulous!
TODD
Not bad. Perhaps we’ll add it to the menu. But for now, I need you
back where you belong.
LAJAE
Not that teeny tiny office, please Sweeny…can’t I stay out here and
wait on the customers?
TODD
Don’t jump the maglite, my friend. I was going to make you a
better offer but if you wish, you may tend to the customers.
*LAJAE goes off mumbling, wondering what the other offer was, finds
first customer of the day waiting*
DEPPUTZIED (eyeing Sweeny)
Yum, look at all that meat….I mean the pie…yum, all that meat pie.
Give me one so I can light up.
LAJAE
What’s that? You don’t light up pies?
DEPPUTIZED
Been trying to quit the ciggy habit. I find I’m lighting everything
up nowadays.
Just need a little something to help me along you know?
SMITTEN
Go check out the Information Board over at the Hut. There might be something hanging over there that can help..
DEPPUTIZED
Mmmm, would love to find something hanging…oh, right, you mean
a flyer. Ok, good idea.
THE COFFEE HUT
BABS
What is it darling?
JAVA JETHRO (the Hut’s Assistant Barista)
Two things, really Miss BabsyMae
This here lawyer-like paper, I thinks its from Gronks. Contract or something. And this here? Looks like an ad-ver--tis-ment from one
of those Mr. Miyagi types. Claims to help you with your troubles.
BABS
There are no troubles here in Deppville. Everything is Fantabulous.
JAVA JETHRO
Well, about that BabsyMae, you know sometimes things creep up on
you and all. Like the time cc brought in that potato juice. I liked it,
but you weren’t keen on it.
BABS
Do people still say keen? And where is this Zen guy?
JAVA JETHRO
They say ‘keen’ as often as they all say “flunked” I suppose. Zen Guy
is over in the Meditation Corner.
ZEN GUY
That’s it ME, “hand on….hand off”
DEPPUTIZED
Have to admit, keeping my mind off of smoking but still have this urge
to lick something.
ZEN GUY
That comes later my little grasshopper. For now, just the hand jive.
CC (entering Hut singing Doors tunes, making ‘squish, squish’ sounds)
BABS
Sorry cc-lou, not sure what you’re singing there. Before my time
I guess.
Darling, did you wipe your feet before you came in here?
CC (taking off shoes)
Sorry Babsters, s’not my fault. Drainage problem. My sox are wet too. See?
BABS
Yes, but can you at least have Laralynzy’s friends take their shoes off
as well?
LARA’S FRIENDS
“We’re not wearin’ any shoes, luv”
BABS
I’ll be in the loo if anyone needs me.
IDZY
Never fear! IDZERS is here! Let me just take this shmata and I’ll
have this place cleaner than a porcelain bowl, if you get my drift.
Can even clean this porcelain dog…wait a minute…Abberline!
Come get your mutt!
“Oh, poor Pochie Po….did the big ol’ Idzy try to wipe you with her shmata?”
QUIET PIRATE (sweeping Pooch off chair)
French.
IDZY
Sorry QP?
QUIET PIRATE
You said ‘mutt’. Poochie Poo is French…
IDZY
How you know that? Did he go “oui-oui”? HA HA! Get it?
QUIET PIRATE
Got it.
FRED
Thanks QP for saving the pooch. How can I repay you?
(an hour later/ Fred’s place)
“Goodness, I don’t think I can call you Quiet anymore!”
BACK AT THE HUT
IDZY (using shmata to polish helmet that Celine is wearing)
Still won’t come off girl! Give it to me so I can do a better job.
CELINE
I keep telling you Idzy, it’s not suppose to come off. It’s a bunch of
words that I can’t read. And I’m not taking it off. How will I
protect myself from the bats?
(Electric buzzing…FRZZZ…FRZZZ)
“Got your help right here Celine! Takes care of those flying rats every time!
BABS (leaving loo)
Excuse me for a second Roux. I have some business to tend to.
ROUX
No worries, my chocolate drop. Besides, I like watching you walk
in those new sandals.
BABS (smiling coyly)
Yes, they are fantabulous aren’t they? Be right back.
(puts on her game face)
Duke! Here! Now!
RAOUL
My, my Babsy Wabsy. Sounding a bit like the ol’ Earl. What can I
do for you doll face.
BABS
Don’t call me doll…reminds me of that….never mind. How many
times have I told you to leave your tools at the door?
RAOUL
You never tell Roux to leave his tools at the door. Why is he special?
BABS
“Cause I use his tools. Now…give it up.
IDZY
Whoa, look at the water in here. Didn’t think cc sloshed in that much. Well, good thing this shmata is absorbent.
“glug glug glug”
“Hey? this puddle is trying to talk…oh wait…Giselle? Is that you?
GISELLE
“Glug”
IDZY
Sorry babe. Here, let me put you somewhere. Here you go.
*wrings Puddles into bucket*
Hey Jack…take this will you.
Somewhere safe. It’s very special.
JACK *falsetto voice*
Here Jack….take this somewhere safe.
Here Jack….very special.
I’ll show her special.
*returns to Hut with empty bucket*
IDZY
Jack…where is Giselle? She was in the bucket.
JACK (realizing his mistake)
She’s in a better place for now.
IDZY
Okay. Just so she’s safe.
VIANNE
WhatchagonnadoJack?
JACK
Buggers! I got to go save her!
Coming Puddles!
FANNY (pointing)
Who’s that?
WILMA (lazing in her hammock)
No, Who’s over there.
FANNY
Stop correcting my grammar. Asked you a question. What was it?
WILMA
What’s over there.
FANNY
You’re asking me? Looks like delTorro. But who’s that with him?
WILMA
Not Who. That’s…I Don’t Care.
FANNY
Fine! Be that way! Why do you keep waving that paper plate?
WILMA
Because paper makes great fans. Better than plastic.
FANNY
Paper! Plastic! What do you think this is? Supermarket?
Got to use the real deal.
(hefts china plates under arm)
WILMA
Fanny, these aren’t good for fanning myself…ha ha…fanning…fanny…
FANNY
Yeah, yeah, got. And you’re not taken my directions well are you.
Listen up and I won’t flip ye, cap slap ye, or impale ye. You just
throw them. Makes you feel better. Sam, bring me those dishes
Pricesa brought back from that Greetalian..
SAM
But we’re using them right now Fanny
FANNY
Someday I’m gonna burn all my bridges here and never
look back. Maybe I need to go to those township meetings
cc keeps talking about and put in my two cents. Like anyone
would listen to me. Where’s Jins? She’ll back me up.
TOWN HALL
JINS *checks watch*
I tell you Deputy Mayor, they’ll be here anytime soon.
Just give them all a few minutes.
DEPUTY MAYOR
Well, you know, Jins, here in Deppville, this is about as rowdy
as town meetings get, except that time Animal Control had
to created because of Pink Elephants and penguins…
Fanny’s doing you know? Then we had to put the
“Watch the Geese” signs all over town because of …ah, yes, Fanny.
Then there was that Calendar-gate…days of the week one
day behind…had to keep bumping them up…Fanny of course.
Then she was going door to door for donations.
JINS
Quite admirable.
DM
I didn’t tell you want kind of donations she was looking for.
Wait, seeing a pattern here.
JINS
What are you doing Deputy Mayor?
DM
I don’t want to hear anymore about Fanny.
JINS
But Deputy Mayor, you’re the one talking about her.
DM
You’re right. Motion to adjourn this meeting. All in favor?
Motion carried.
Let’s go to the concert.
CONCERT HALL
PEGS233
Evening, Kat. My that’s a nasty bump
KAT
Gardening accident.
PEGS233
I know what can make you feel better. Go over to the
Hugging Booth. I been there all day. Had to take a breather.
Going over to the Kissing Booth
now.
*Points in Kissing Booth direction*
Tommy’s raising money for new balls.
Only problem is, I hear Aggie’s kind of keeps butting in line.
KAT
I see that. Think I’ll try the Hugging Booth then.
“Oh yeah, this is working.”
EPS
Say, aruam and AmryJR, wanna try some Johnny cakes?
Hot off the griddle. Not just for breakfast anymore.
Just put those school books down aruam and try one.
AmryJR…what about you?
AMRYJR
Sorry, I’m manning the donation booth for. SLoD. Care to give?
EPS
Whats that stand for? SLoD?
AMRYJR
Sadistic Librarians of Deppville. Their numbers are growing you know?
EPS
Not sure that’s a good thing, but sure. Here’s a dollar.
Make sure you hit Idzy up too. She;s always willing to
give for those a day late and dollar short. But now that
the Deputy Mayor has the calendars fixed, I don’t think
anyone’s a day late anymore. By the way, if you see
MyPirateJohnny, tell her I need more cups, glasses,
whatever she’s got.
(Back at the HUT)
CHOCOLAT
Look! I won $500!
RUSTYRED
Good my fellow red-head. You can buy me some chicken soup.
Feeling a bit under the weather, and speaking of which,
I got a hole in me umbrelly, maybe you can spring for a
new one of them too.
CHOCOLAT
Sure, sure. Or maybe Meatball-less Wedding Soup.
When did you catch the bug?
RUSTY
Been a while, really. Started last year.
Felt like I was being smothered by a pillow.
SWEENY (walking by)
“Pillows take too long”
RUSTY
What did that guy say?
CHOCOLAT
Forget about him for now. I’ll ask him later. Gonna teach
me how to polish my holster. Let me buy you that soup.
RUSTY
Sure. How did you win the money?
CHOCOLAT
Cash cab!
RUSTY
We have one of them around here?
CHOCOLAT
Sure, lookie out the window.
RUSTY
What questions did he ask you?
CHOCOLAT
Questions? He was suppose to ask questions?
TRUDY
Hey Jack! How You Doing!
“TruD, luv, how ye doing?”
TRUDY
Want To See My Balloons!!
Should ye be calling them that Miss TruD?
TRUDY
No! Jack! Not Them! These….See? Pirate Balloon, Parrott Balloon…
“I think ol’Jack prefers the other balloons. Would you care to
show me more in me cabin? If you have the “helium”
I need something inflated.”
(Down at the River)
.
“Yes Wenchie? What can I do ye for? Aren’t y’suppose to be writing?
WENCHIE
Hired some help to edit, clean up the pages, you know.
Said he could kill a few hours while I was away.
(thinks about Assistant)
Anyway, reason I came, is needed to tell her that there’s a bit
of a pest problem in Deppville House, where Childstar works,
you know, next to Sleepy Hollow Inn? See? Early Worms.
Wait, Roux, what are you doing?
ROUX
Problem solved. They have a bit of a Halloweeny aftertaste.
WENCHIE
(Giggles at thought of Hollow Weenies)
Gee thanks Roux. Okay, I’ll let CStar and Ich know.
CHILDSTAR
I told you it was all your fault! Those worms are coming from your Inn!
WENCHIE
Guess I’ll be leaving now.
CONCERT HALL
SPOOKYGIRL
Say, Lerner, think I could borrow your helmet? Seems I too am
having a bat problem like Celine.
LERNER
Sure, just don’t let Idzy try to clean it with her shmata, okay.
I’ll be over at the Bells
having a strawberry daiquiri with Pricesa. Tried LaJae’s swirlies,
but too girly.
*At Calendar Souvenir Stand*
LUV
I’m partial to this one. Everyday is Thursday. I always think
it’s Thursday you know? And what a good price.
FANNY (in sunglasses and hat disguise)
Yeah, yeah, good price. Must go. Bumping the inventory.
Snooze ya loose. So snap it up girly.
LUV
Does it come with batteries?
FANNY
wtf? Batteries? It’s freakin’ calendar, kid. What do you
want with batteries?
LUV
Just thought it would be a nice touch, vibrating Jack.
Don’t you agree?
FANNY
Got me there. Okay, I’ll throw in batteries, but up to you
to figure out the rest.
LUV
Deal.
“You stole me batteries!”
JACK
Did not.
ANNA
Did too!
JACK
Did not and I can prove it! I have a witness!
ANNA
Who?
*Elbows Mr.Gibbs…who looks startled and focuses*
GIBBS
Aye, must-a been a sand bar.
(whispers)
That be right, yes Jack?
*Jack rolls eyes*
ANNA
Don’t believe you! Get another witness!
JACK
Puddles. Been with me all day,she has.
ANNA
Yeah? Where is she now?
“I remember…I put her in me jar of dirt”
ANNA
Think about that Jack.
ANNA
Never mind. I’ll get back to you. Hey there’s Luv!
She’s got me batteries! Get her!
*down at Secret Window Circle*
CHOFY
Hey, Mort. Can MoHo come to the concert?
MORT
Sorry, she’s busy. Listening to The Doors and packing for her
river trip Nice shirt Chofy.
CHOFY
Oh this thing. Big and white and comfy. And check this out…
it was written all over. See here? PAPA…and over here,
not sure what the artist was on at the time…
but I’m told it’s one of a kind and …hey…
hold up…
that guys wearing the same shirt!
*talking same time*
“Where’d you get that shirt?...Fanny sold it to me…Figures!”
CONCERT HALL
“Tickets please, thank you.. Thank you…Fave D…what happened to you?”
FAVED (covered head to toe in seahells)
Debb’s bright idea for a craft. Hot glued them all over me.
Hey you…stop laughing!
*Hunnies enter Concert Hall, mill around, take seats*
IDZY
Hey Choc, here’s your shmata back. Worked miracles today, I tell ya.
CHOC
Say? This isn’t a shmata. This is my special hankie!
Great tiddly winks! What did you do with it?
WHAT
I didn’t do anything with it.
CHOC
What?
WHAT
Yes?
CHOC
Who did you say did it?
WHAT
I don’t think it was Who either.
CHOC
Who did What?
WHAT
I’m beg your pardon? I don’t swing that way.
CHOC
What way?
WHAT
That’s right. My way is the only way.
CHOC
Which way is that?
WHAT
I don’t think I know Which. Point him out.
CHOC
Who?
WHAT
No, I know Who.
CHOC
Then tell me. Who did it?
WHAT
You’ve been hanging out with Mr. Gibbs too long.
You’re not making any sense.
The show’s starting. I’m going to take my seat.
WILMOT
Welcome, ladies, gentlemen, Hunnies. I have been bestowed
the honor this month of introducing September’s concert.
Debb wishes to send off the Hunnies who are about to embark
on a great journey to our Northern cousins and wishes them
well on their trip.
By the way, should any of you find yourselves
lacking transportation, I have the mode of travel
just outside the door.
Please register with Alcock at your convenience.
Now, for you delight and pleasure
(and if you do partake of both, I do so wish to join you)
Allow me to introduce for the Noobies, and those that find
their memories are less than stellar,
Debb and the Triple Threat Trio.
Give a warm welcome to Tickler.
*applause applause*
Twanger
and Fiddler
DEBB
Thank you Lord Rochester. Welcome Hunnies!
HUNNIES
Back at you Debb!
DEBB
As it’s been said. This month finds a number of our Hunnies
heading to Toronto. I wanted to send them off in style
TWANGER
“I thought it was to warn Toronto”
DEBB
Never mind him. So not to delay the concert I give you
Big & Rich’s “Comin’ To Your City” Enjoy….1, 2…a-1, 2.3.
Well we're comin to your city
Gonna play our guitars and sing you a country song
We'll all be flyin higher than a jet air liner
And if you wanna little bang in your ying yang come along
Well we flew through Cincinnati
And we all got really happy
Grabbed a bowl of that sky line chili along the way
Then we rolled on into Kansas
Scared the hell outta Marilyn Manson
And the party started happenin
Hey hey hey
Well we're comin to your city
Gonna play our guitars and sing you a country song
We'll all be flyin higher than a jet air liner
And if you wanna little bang in your ying yang come along
Then in the middle of a Charleston night
We ran into Jessica White
And a little moonshine
got us right plum smacked insane
Well we broke down in Greenville
In the middle of a cornfield
But a Bud Light truck driver pulled up and helped us out
So we then headed up to Philly
Partied down like real hillbillies
Brought the Music Mafia
And rocked it out
And Chipowas where we go
When we're up in Buffalo
Don't you know those yankees drink enough to DROWN
Well we're comin to your city
Gonna play our guitars and sing you a country song
We'll all be flyin higher than a jet air liner
And if you wanna little bang in your ying yang come along
Listen up
Now LA's got the freaks
That brings them 50 dollar drinks
And San Antonio was a wild wild rodeo
And then Phoenix, Arizona
We drank way too much Corona
And we woke up by the river
Just sittin cold
Yeah, yeah
We're comin to your city
We're gonna play our guitars and sing you a country song
We'll all be flyin higher than a jet air liner
And if you wanna little bang in your ying yang
If you wanna little zing in your zang zang
If you wanna little ting in your tang tang
Come along, come along, come along, come along
Yeah, we're comin to your city
HUNNIES (Jumping up to head over to Bells)
“IF you wanna little bang in your ying yang
If you wanna little zing in your zang zang
If you wanna little ting in your tang tang…
they’re coming to your city!”
NG
Do you think Toronto’s been warned?
DEBB
Can you ever really warn anyplace about the Hunnies?
NG
Point taken. While they’re gone, who’s going to mind the businesses?
DEBB and NG
Oh my
DEPPVILLE TRANSPORTATION CENTER
JACK
All have yer tickets for Toronto ready please.
White tickets are by horseback
Blue tickets go to the Bus Terminal
Purple tix must go to the airport
Green ones are for auto-rentals
Yellow tickets are going by Cash Cab.
Black tickets, well that be the Pearl of course.
and last but not least…wait…red? I don’t recall red being
on the manifest. What are the red tickets for? Anyone?
Have a safe and fun trip to Toronto Hunnies. And for the rest of us…let the festivities begin!
"If you want a little bang in your yang yang!"
Jessica White
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/swimsui...white.html
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VAFsCygHK84