12-30-2007, 10:55 AM
“You need me to do what, Idzy?”
IDZY
Help me decorate. I’m holding the Halloween Party this
year. I know Choc usually throws the Monster Mash Bash, but I thought with the new place, it’d be great to have
all the Hunnies here instead. Big Jammie party. Plus make it a double celebration. Oscar’s just around the corner.
SAM
I don’t know who Oscar is but maybe he can help me with the list. Let’s see, what will we need?
IDZY
Oh don’t be so rigid…hmmmm….oh, never mind, I’ll deal with
that part later…what I meant to say is, just be spontaneous. Buy what strikes the mood.
“But I don’t know what mood I’ll be in till I get there.”
IDZY
Exactomundo! Go with the flow. Life’s a whoopee cushion! Now go, boy, go!
JENNY
Morning Idzy. Heard you were prepping for the Halloween bash this year. Brought Shutterbug with me to snap some pics. Hope you don’t mind.
IDZY
Not at all. What’s up in Deppville?
JENNY (Checking her notepad)
Well, got a tip about CC. On my way now. See ya.
(down at the river)
ROUX
Paddle CC! Paddle!
You almost got the whole kit-and-caboodle!
“If I tell them once, I tell them a million times.
I am NOT a poodle. They’re French. Do I look French to you? And we dogs do not swim like that! Now,
where’s that damn kitten with my smokes. Worse than
that dog with the keys. Betty!”
“I think that’s enough lessons for today cc.”
(back at Idzy’s)
DEPPUTIZED (limping in)
Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.
“Tell me ME, what is it that pains you?
DEPPUTIZED *touching her knee*
Blew it in Toronto.
WILMOT
Blew it? In Toronto.
Interesting. A Toronto Toot?
Perhaps I can interest you
in my cane?
DEPPUTIZED
Oh…is that what you call it now?
I think I would very much like to use your cane.
I’m dancing on pinheads Rochester!
TRUDY
Good Morning Idzy! Glad To Be Here To Help You Out!
Where Can I Start?
IDZY
Start by telling me what is that under your arm?
TRUDY
This? It’s the new AWE Music Box. Isn’t It Cool?
Gather Around And Give A Listen.
JACK
It just goes Thump-Thump
TRUDY
Yeah, But It Was On Sale. I Got It For Fifty Pounds!
JACK
Fifty pounds of what?
TRUDY
No, Jack. Fifty Pounds. You Know…Like In British Money.
“Trudy, m’luv. Ye do know that’s $100 American money?”
TRUDY
Oh Dear.
JACK
No fear luv. I’ll go find the scamp that scammed you,
get back yer money, they’ll get back the music chest and all will be well. Who sold it to you?
TRUDY
No.
JACK
No? What?
TRUDY
Who didn’t sell it to me.
JACK
That’s what I’m asking luv. Who sold it to you?
TRUDY
No, he didn’t.
JACK
Didn’t what?
WILMA
May I?
JACK
Aren’t you supposed to be painting somewhere?
WILMA
Is this the person that sold you the music chest?
“Good God woman, who is that?”
TRUDY
That’s right Jack.
WILMA
Jack’s right? This is the person.
TRUDY
No, that’s Who.
JACK
That’s what I said…Who is it?
TRUDY
It is Who.
JACK
Stop blowing holes in me grammar!
WILMA
Settle down pirate. Trudy,
Please name the person that took your money.
TRUDY
Fanny
“Fanny? Sorry luv. Ye be on yer own with this one.”
WILMA
Jack! Now be nice and help Trudy. Go see Fanny.
JACK
Ye might bully skunks and such about but…
Oh, you meant the other Fanny…if you insist.
FANNY
I tell you Jack, nothing like a good old fashioned luau,eh?
Too bad Wenchie’s not here to enjoy. Where the tarnation is she? Probably yanking a chain somewhere and I ain’t saying that’s an innuendo…or whose chain she’s yanking…I’m just saying. What’s that Jack? You want another Stella?
JACK
No! I said…How can you do this to a fella!
FANNY
Stop your whining. At least I ain’t using ketchup on ya!
Time to rotate ya!
(back at Idzy’s)
AMRYJR
Here you go Idzy. I brought this to decorate for the party.
IDZY
Where’s the rest of him?
AMRYJR
Oh well, still working on that part at home. Got to be hands on perfection you know.
IDZY
True, true. Must say, you’ve done well with your new job
down at the Depp Wax Museum.
AMRYJR
And look, here’s my subject now.
IDZY
But he doesn’t have a body either.
AMRYJR
Like I said. At home for the hands-on work. Got to get him back before Wilma sees him. You know how she likes a good head. See ya!
IDZY (turning to see face in window)
AH! Geesh! MoHo! Scared the bejeezus out of me!
MOHO
Sorry, just popping in…too much coffee…working like an idiot…no wait…listening to idiots…damn computer…gotta go home…get a drink…catch you later…where’s Mort?
“Suppose I should follow her home. We’ll be back for the party Idzy”
Opps, gotta watch the drool…
No wait, that’s Puddles. Sorry. MoHo! Wait for me!
GISELLE
Well, golly gee whiz…could’ve taken me with you!
CESAR
No worries dear one. My girl will see to it
that you get home in one…uhm…puddle.
GISELLE
Wait a minute…does that make her Cesar’s Girl?
WILMOT (polishing his cane)
I have just left the fine company of ME and I am
at your disposal.
IDZY
Oh well, good. Ellie said she’d be here soon too. She’s at the Mad Hatters to pick up her new chapeau. Said there’s a customer ahead of her that’s being a wee bit fussy.
(Over at the Mad Hatter’s)
WILMOT
If she is too long I shall go and speed up the process.
In the meantime I was at the Heritage House. Childstar helped me to design my family crest. Care to see?
IDZY
Delighted…oh my!
WILMOT
I was considering getting the crest on bathtowels.
FANNY
Crust? Crust on bathtowels. Rochester, I knew there was something about you.
“That was crest, not crust, Fanny”
FANNY
Back it up Earl Boy. Crusty Crest if you ask me. Give me
my clean-as-a-Stean-whistle Cabana Boy anytime. Speaking of which, Idzy, I’ll be outback at the Cee-Ment pond, as Debb
calls it. Woman, gots no grasp of the English language I tell ya.
Oh look…there’s our little aruam. Heard you’re joining a sorority.
ARUAM
I joined the Alpha Omega Deppa. Stands for Beginning and Ending With Depp. Mr. Wood is designing our sorority jackets.
ED
Whattya think girls?
FANNY
God! I need a drink.
ARUAM
Uhmmm…it’s different…
ED
Imagine!
A Wood Original on every Depp Sistah!
ARUAM
I think I’ll join Fanny out back. Maybe Hannah brought Grape soda.
“What the heck! Oh…geesh Kat…I thought…I saw all that orange and it was moving. Thought one of Idzy’s pumpkins was out to get me…..
KAT
Oh sorry Ed. Felt like orange for the moment. Didn’t mean to give you a fright, but it is Ghostly Season after all. Did I scare anyone else? Anyone? Anyone?
Crap Ich…you don’t count. Even Ellie’s pussy scares the crap out of you. Speaking of which…I hear Bab’s dog is still looking for the ciggy-swiping feline. It’s gonna turn ugly, I tell you.
BABS (singing)
M---I---C---K---E---Y. Look Laydees! Smitten helped me find some great deals. I bought new mugs for everyone!
ROUX
That’s m’girl. Doesn’t she look like a wild Irish rose
in those OnStar sandals and mouse ears?
FANNY
More like a wild Irish rodent if ya ask me,but no one
did, so I ain’t saying…just saying, and I know you say that Babs, but I’m taking and running with it, even in my heels and you can’t catch me. Now excuse me, I got something
simmering on the BBQ behind the cabana.
AGGIE (helping with decorations: singing)
“It’s the most wonderful time of the year!”
TOMMY
You did a wonderful job decorating the tree…and with my new balls no less!
(ok…it’s Brasco,not Tommy…but work with me…please)
IDZY
Hey! It’s Halloween not Christmas!
TOMMY
Yes, but with Aggie, it’s always Christmas!
And gonna use this for the top of the tree!
RUSTY (Placing bait traps around kitchen)
Never know when a certain ant might pop up.
“But ants are our friends, Rusty.”
RUSTY
Not talking the six legger kind. Never mind. What are you doing out from behind the sofa? Get the box of rum and park yourself. Hold up, let me get the door.
“Help hide a mate, luv?”
RUSTY
Don’t wanna know…ain’t gonna ask. Ok Jack. Follow me.
Let’s go to the Concert Hall. Plenty of people there for
you to blend in with.
(Concert Hall)
Wait a minute…what’s wrong with this picture?
Why the empty seats?
“If I’m not mistaken lass…
I do believe the invitations were warranted for Idzy’s place this month.”
RUSTY
Then you’re on your own Jack. I’m going back to Idzy’s. I hear Smitten’s gonna play the piano and I feel like dancing damn it!
(Outside Idzy’s house)
“Say Vianne? What’s that going on over there?”
VIANNE
Been asking myself that all morning SAVG. Been so fascinated by it that I forgot to eat breakfast. What do you make of it. It sort of looks like our Great Founder Depp but who is that with him rolling around laughing his
butt off?
SAVG
Don’t know. Let me and Tim get a closer look.
Oh no! It’s Celine and Founder Depp..
They just heard he made the town’s Top Best Dressed List! Finding it quite amusing, I guess.
(Horn honks….Founder Depp jumps up, grabs Celine and runs and jumps in)
“Sorry folks! Stephanie’s waiting to see what car I’m driving today. See you later!”
EPS
Gutenabend, Idzy.
IDZY
Hey, I’m not bending anything.
EPS
Nein, nein. We were at the Octoberfest and…
IDZY
What is it? Are the calendars off again? First Aggie and Christmas and now you and Octoberfest.
EPS
We brought Weiner schnitzel.
JACK
It’s pronounced Parmo.
EPS
No, it’s Weiner schnitzel.
JACK
No, Parmo.
EPS
No, its Schnitzel of the Weiner.
JACK
It’s veal right? It’s flatten veal to be precise. Floured, egged and crumbed and fried. That’s what we English call
Parmo.
EPS AND JACK (back and forth)
Schnitzel….
Parmo…
Schnitzel…
Parmo
TEAGUE
Listen up you two.
JACK
You’re in trouble now, luv.
“Pirates Code Cookbook says ye both be right. Just depends
on what country the weiner’s in.”
“I’ve always called me weiner Parmo.”
(sniffs air)
“What’s that me smells?”
“I’d say it’s a twist of sea salt and rum. Nothing to be worrying yerself Jack, about. Most the Hunnies are use to ye smelling…”
JACK
“Not me! Smells like…garlic, tomato, onion…mmmm?
No peanuts.”
FAVEDARKNESS
Hey Jack! Mr.Gibbs! Would you like to taste my
Burrito? It’s got tomatoes, onions and garlic, drizzled with just the right amount of olive oil. It’s called a Debb Delicioso.”
JACK
No peanuts eh? Must not have been made by Lara. She makes good peanut burritos.
FAVED *Pointing*
No,Speedy made it.
well, excuse me Jack. I have a date with a certain
Guy and a kitchen table.
JACK *gets out compass…compass points to Coffee Truck…
Jack shrugs, snaps compass shut and goes to Speedy*
JACK
Do you have peanut burritos?
SPEEDY
Just a minute. I’ll let the expert serve you. Lara!
LARA *squinting, trying to see anything that moves*
Who’s there?
JACK
Please tell me we’re not talking about him again?
LARA
Jack? Jack is that you? Hold still, so I can focus on you.
JACK
Just put on yer glasses luv.
LARA
Hellity Damn! Those scratchy-ass things? Hell no, gave ‘em to Fred and QP.
*Points at Quiet Pirate and Fred walking the dog*
OUIET PIRATE
Does he really need to wear them Fred?
FRED
Lara was generous enough to lend them. The least we can do
is put them to good use.
LARA
Here you go Jack. Enjoy. Can have a seat over there
with Davy.
http://i121.photobucket.com/albums/o230/...we1812.jpg
“Do you fear stools?”
JACK
Think I’d just go eat on me ship.
“Good to the last nib…Lara’s got the best nibs.”
(Mad Hatter Shoppe)
WILMOT
How much longer before I pry you from this establishment?
CHOCOLAT
Oh, but Johnny, I do so want to make sure I get just the right hat. What about this one?
CHOC
Oh come on. Try one on.
CHOC
See not so bad?
“Oh stop being so melodramatic. Keep it up and I’ll have to send you back to that Lizzy tramp, you know the one…use to work at the Java Diner.”
WILMOT
She gave a good gobble.
CHOC
What!!
WILMOT
Just being dramatic. Oh look. There’s your friend
peeking in the window.
CHOC *Screams, tries to make a break for it…
gets tangled in sofa slipcover, rolls about on floor,
Wilmot attempts to help
*Hatter leaves when he realizes they’re not getting up anytime soon*
DJD (watching as Wenchie gets ready for the evening)
But Wenchie, I thought we would spend the evening together. I can read to you, from your new favorite book, yes?
WENCHIE
Oh Don Juan. That would be fan-tas-tic. But you know, I have this obligation. I promised a friend I would take care of his friend, out to dinner and such.
DJD
So this is a friend of a friend of a friend?
WENCHIE
No, just a friend of a friend.
DJD
So you are going out with two friends?
WENCHIE
Forget it. By the way, what book were you going to read to me?
DJD
Guinness Book of World Records. Listen to this.
The world’s largest slab of fudge was made in Toronto Canada. It weighed 1.36 tons. That is like having 3 solid chocolate elephants in one room. That is a lot of chocolate yes? I bet Pegs could make that delicious dessert she loves…what is it called? Oh yes, Chocolate Orgasm.
Very good, she makes it.
(DING DONG)
WENCHIE
Good night Don Juan. The friend is here. I will see you later at the concert, Okay?
“Hi Wenchie, ready to get down and boogie tonight?”
WENCHIE
*Sigh*
It’s going to be a long night.
(IDZY’s house)
IDZY
Come on in, PRICESA. Welcome to the Monster Mash Bash-slash-Oscar Celebration. By the way, nice costume.
PRICESA
This isn’t a costume. It’s my nurse’s uniform.
IDZY
Either way, you’re gonna turn heads. What’s with the paper?
PRICESA (handing over paper)
Looking for someone to translate it.
IDZY
Hmmm. Looks Greek to me.
PRICESA
Greetalian actually.
IDZY
Hey Jins! Can you help Pricesa here. Nice outfit.
JINS (showing off her cowgirl attire)
Thanks. See my pin.
(Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy)
Oh this is Greetalian. Need a little help.
Hey Donnie!
Take a look at this.
“See this? Picolo ελαιά scodella. He’s calling you his “little olive dish”
(After translation)
JINS
Thanks for helping Pricesa
BRASCO
Forgettaboutit. Say, how ‘bouts you and me
go out for a cold one?
JINS
Sorry, Donnie. I have a date for the concert. Here comes my Cowpoke now.
“There you are my little filly. Let’s find a seat.”
GRONKS
Hey Idzy. Don’t get chuffed. I am really here. Brought
my date along too.
IDZY
Oh, great costume.
DR BENDO
Non un costume. Questi sono I miei vestiti da lavoro.
IDZY
What is it? First the calendar screw ups and now everyone’s speaking in tongues. Lavoro, you say? Bathroom’s that way.
GRONKS
No, Idzy, he said he’s not wearing a costumes. These are his working clothes. He practices medicine and magic. Watch this. Nose on, nose off. HAHAHA. Just don’t lose the nose and accidentally throw it on the barbie, okay?
Let’s go find a place Bendo, my man.
IDZY
Someone please tell me Debb is here to do the concert before I bop someone with a pillow.
*bending near the ground, holding silver platter”
IDZY
What are you doing Alcock?
ALCOCK
You asked for your pill low. Here it is.
IDZY
I said a pillow, not a low pill. Oh Alcock, you’re a pill yourself. Never mind. There’s Debb. Let’s go settle in.
DEBB
Welcome one and all. My, amazing how we all managed to fit in here Idzy. For those of you who might find themselves a little warm, Smitten is handing out paper fans and Choc is setting up a few electric ones.
Let’s get this party rocking! Monster Mash Bash 2007!
(Hunnies scream!!)
And I would like to start you off with a Eagles song that best describes the insanity of Deppville. We might be crazy but we’re crazy together, right girls?
HUNNIES
Right!
DEBB
So sit back, drink ‘em if ye got them, smoke ‘em if you don’t. Ready boys…one…two…a, one, two, three.
On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitas
rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy, and my sight grew dimmer
I had to stop for the night
There she stood in the doorway;
I heard the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself,
'This could be Heaven
or this could be Hell'
Then she lit up a candle
and she showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor, I thought I heard them say...
Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place (such a lovely place)
Plenty of room at the Hotel California
Any time of year, you can find it here
Her mind is Tiffany-twisted, She got the Mercedes bends
She's got a lot of pretty, pretty boys, that she calls friends
How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat.
Some dance to remember,
some dance to forget
So I called up the Captain, 'Please bring me my wine'
He said, 'We haven't had that spirit here since 1969'
And still those voices are calling from far away
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say...
Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely Place (such a lovely face)
They livin' it up at the Hotel California
What a nice surprise, bring your alibis
Mirrors on the ceiling, the pink champagne on ice
And she said 'We are all just prisoners here, of our own device'
And in the master's chambers, they gathered for the feast
They stab it with their steely knives, but they just can't kill the beast
Last thing I remember, I was running for the door
I had to find the passage back to the place I was before
'Relax' said the nightman, We
are programed to recieve. You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave
Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place (such a lovely place)
Plenty of room at the Hotel California
Any time of year, you can find it here
HUNNIES (singing and dancing)
Welcome to the Hotel Califonia!
Such a lovely place! Such a lovely place!
NG
They all look happy
DEBB
And why shouldn’t they be. Such a lovely place.
NG
How about you and me find that passage to get back to what we were doing before?
DEBB
Right behind you. Unless you would prefer to be behind me.
Bring one of those burritos…don’t forget the olive oil!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parmo
