02-02-2008, 07:08 AM
February 2008
Deppville
WILMOT
Prithee, young lady, what manner of mischief is it that
you perform here at The Barista’s Hut?
HOPE
Oh! Rochester! Why I am just putting up
a new idea I had.Miss Babs said it was ok.
See? Scratch and Sniff ads for Java du Jour.
Give it a try.
WILMOT
Most excellent Mistress Hope.
I think I shall try it in the carriage.
(heads to carriage)
HOPE
But your lordship, don’t you want one of the posters?
WILMOT
I think I shall improvise.
(Climbs into carriage)
M’Lady, I have a new experiment.
Tis called Scratch and Sniff, but I shall add my
own twist and call it Scratch, Sniff and Savor
What say you?
CHOCOLAT
I think John that I need a bit more experimentation
of my own. Tee Hee.
(shadowy figure in doorway)
“Mischief, mischief”
(at JDa Salon)
WILMA
Ahola! I hear you’ve got a new partner Smitten.
Thought I’d give him a try.
SMITTEN
But Wilma, your hair is perfect.
WILMA
Oh not my hair, it’s this grass skirt. Needs a little mowing.
And do these coconuts make my coconuts look big?
SMITTEN
They look fine Wilma. Be glad they’re not made of
Arizona Prickly Pears. I’m a little busy myself, but
the new guy can take you in the next room
ST
“AH, a Hula Hunnie. Come in come in, I’ve just finished
with my last customer. Who was it?
Oh look, forgot his hat.
WILMA
He’s always doing that.
ST
What?
WILMA
Forgetting his hat.
ST
Who?
WILMA
Yes.
ST
Whatever you say, luv. Here you go, luv.
Empty seat. All for you.
Now, I hear ye be needing a little off the top?
WILMA
Uhm…not here (touches head) but a little off here (touches skirt)
ST
I see, you need to be served down below, then?
Let me see what I can do.
(starts trimming…female voice above starts to sing)
WILMA
What’s that?
ST
“That would be Beanie. She’ll be on YouTube before you know it.”
(knock on door)
Who is it?
WENCHIE (dressed in UPS uniform skirt)
J’ai une livraison pour le Fondateur Depp
SWEENEY
Founder Depp? A delivery? He’s not here, but I can sign.
And where is the delivery?”
*WENCHIE whistles to truck…Hand jumps out, carrying package*
“Where do I sign?”
“Perhaps you can return later, Miss Wenchie. A soothing skin massage
WENCHIE
Merci, Mr. T. Que vous etes l’expert!
TODD (to Wilma)
I shall return promptly. I must get this to The Founder’s office. It’s something made of gold. Personally I prefer silver.
(Heads out)
(down in Mrs Lovett’s kitchen)
FAVE D
Here you go KG…my Scrabble word’s gonna knock your
Calvin Kleins off ya! Poliosis. Double points! Yeah me!
KG
That’s not a word.
FAVED
Is too. Fact QP wrote a paper on it, so it’s gotta be a word.
Means white streak in hair. I got it, but ya can’t see it.
KG
Then it doesn’t count. You can only get the points if you show me.
FAVED
Alright, alright…come on under the table.
What I don’t do for points around here.
(shadowy figure peeking in window)
“Mischief, mischief”
*Out on the street*
JENNY
Jenny, Newshound, reporting live…
“Tis the best way to report one would say”
JENNY
Oh! Beadle! Gave me a start!
BEADLE
Wasn’t my intention, I assure you madam.
CC sent me your way. Wouldn’t let me in her dark room,
though I am sure she would ‘ave found me
Bay Rum exotic and intoxicating….
JENNY
Get on with it Beadle.
BEADLE
Begging the lady’s pardon. OF course.
I was in search of a certain governmental official.
I believe she is the Madam Mayor of Deppville.
Would you, could you , be telling a fine gentleman
as meself where I could find the said lady?
JENNY
I think she’s in Deluth, looking for cats or maybe
turkey buzzards. Or maybe checking out
CC’s pond for fishsticks. Why? What do you want with Idzy?
BEADLE
Fish on a stick you say? Never mind, I have it on
high authority she has me boots…Beadle Boots.
Thought I might ask her a few questions.
JENNY
Well, as long as they aren’t stupid…oh wait..Beadle…Questions…Oxymoron.
BEADLE
What was that?
JENNY
Nothing nothing.
KITTYKAT (jumping around him)
“Beadle, Beadle,Beadle”
BEADLE
Oh, little lady. Here’s a Meez coin.
Get yourself some de-caf from The Hut.
And perhaps you should see the new barber
KITTYKAT
You mean…Mee-stir….Sweeeee—kneee…Todd?
BEADLE
He’d be the one.
KITTYKAT
Don’t have ta….I’m his new receptionist.
Answer his phone all the time…didn’t you recognize my voice…
.Mr. Sweeney’s office...see…perfect pitch.
DEPPUTIZEDME
Psst…KittyKat! Get over here. He’s coming!
*Hunnies watch as Sweeney climbs back up stairs*
ME
Who is that with him?
KKAT
That’s JJDI. Said she’s gonna teach him how
to give soothing skin massages.
(giggles as they watch him climb the stairs)
ME
Ah, he is so damn yummy.
“Ladies…”
“You were gandering at Todd…yes…you were both…
gandering…I saw you. You…were…gandering.”
ME
What? Is there a law against gandering?
TURPIN
Indeed, there is. And I shall see you both punished
to the full extent of the law. Beadle! See to it these
two are incarcerated.
ME
KittyKat! Run! Or Hop…whatever…just go!
(both go bouncing up the street ducking into new shop)
HANNAH
Customers! Wait, what’s your rush?
What’s your hurry?
Did you come here for a san---wich?
A lovely Subway Sandwich?
ME
Sandwich? No, we’re hiding from the Beadle.
HANNAH (sing song)
Beatle? Which one?
Ringo or the Paul?
Don’t know either one at all.
KKAT
Not those Beatles…The Beadle…you know, smarmy, smells …ugh…
HANNAH
Oh! That one! Yeah, was in here yesterday.
Stunk up the place with what he calls Exotic Smell.
I think Todd needs his nose re-aligned if he thinks
Beadle smells exotic. Gag me with a Grande Latte…
sorry…no insult to Babs..but you know I lean towards the grape
…soda that is.
Okay what will it be? You hang, you buy.
KAZREN (hustles up to the Hunnies)
Alms..alms…a few Meez coins if you please.
I need Meez coins. I can sell you something for them…
let me see what I have…oh look…black undies…
fresh from the Founders drawers.
ME
They don’t look that fresh.
KAZ
Well, no, they have been worn a few times.
Okay a lot of times. But they’re authentic.
And yeah, I took them from Beckham.
So they’re not so posh, if you get my drift.
HUNNIES
Ahhhh…
KAT
Good you got it.
ME
But that is quite the real deal exotic smell…making me hungry.
Let’s eat.
(Shadowy figure at next table, peeks over menu)
“Mischief, mischief”
(Deppville Public Pool)
“CC! I keep telling you to stop playing with the goldfish!
Damn! Let you out of the loo and look what happens!”
CC
But Idzy wants fishsticks for dinner!
RUSTY
Goldfish? I thought they were called CHUBS?
TOBY
Don’t worry! I got Idzy’s order covered!
*runs to Deppville Diner*
TOBY
Hey Idzy! I got your fish for you!
IDZY
Where is said fish, young Toby?
“Uhmmmm….”
IDZY
Your pants? That’s the fish in your pants?
And I thought you were just happy to see me?
Well, I can’t eat that thing now. Put it in the pool out back.
The Pool Man’s here, cleaning it up, so it should be
good to go soon.
(AT The BELLS)
TRUDY
Excuse Me, Shiny Bar Guy, Could I Get A Tot of Fuzzy Navel?
SBG
Sure TruD. We make them fresh here…using your navel!
But have to ask, what’s a Tot?
RUSTY (passing thru, snatching appropriate glass)
That would be a half pint. May not know my fish,
but I know my drinks!
SBG
Hey Rusty, while you’re out, will you take this to Todd?
(Rusty makes the delivery)
“Ahh…Puddles”
“Anyone seen EPS? Ol Jack’s got a sticky problem with his
Jack Stack…seems I spilled syrup over meself.”
EPS
Here I be Jack! Let me take care of that problem,
with a lick and a promise!
Liking the lick part EPS, but what be the promise?
EPS
I promise that you’ll be clean as a whistle when I’m done!
FANNY (petting soft beaver)
Whistle! Whistle! Someone’s got Whistle and not sharing!
Rickman Drivel I tell ya! Sniveling Snots…
worse than that Green Finch warbler.
Hiding things from me, like some…
well, I aint making promises that nothings gonna harm ya.
Kick you all to the curb like those non-walking garbage cans,
with me curb-kicking high heels!
(SOMETHING PINK FLASHES BY followed by ROUX)
ROUX
“Babs! My Sweet! Come back here! You’re still in your jammies!”
BABS
My pussy is out! Save my pussy Roux!”
“Now how am I to take that?”
FANNY
Take it any way you want Gypsy Boy, but why I ain’t got one…
and shut it Roux-sie…I know what you’re going to say!
FANNY
Don’t give me that look!
I know what you were thinking and I’m not whistling Dixie,
or what ever it is those Americans whistle and
speaking of Whistle, where’s mine?
(PINK FLASH)
There she goes Roux…better catch her before she ends
up over at Fogg’s Asylum wearing a new jacket
and I’m not talking Shell Gas Station kind.
*bell tinkles over door at CURIOSITY SHOPPE*
VIANNE
I am looking for some new colors and was told that Chocolat
has some to offer.
SHOPPE ASSISTANT
“Come in Vianne. Choc was here a minute ago,
but just ran in to grab some CHUBS. Perhaps I can help?
VIANNE
I think you can help me anytime. Show me your paint box!
(Across Town)
Sorry Hope, Chofy, Pegs. AmryJR is too sick to come out. But maybe you can go to the bowling alley. I hear Aggie and Tommy
are playing with his new balls.
(Depp Lanes Bowling Alley)
BOWLING ALLEY TEAM MATE
“Funny, I always thought Tommy’s balls were bigger than
this”
(Shadowy figure hiding behind rental shoes)
“Balls! Balls! Sign of the Devil!”
(HUNNIES head over to see new tea shop TEA BALLS
KAT
Welcome girls. Join me for some Welsh Tea?
Ich, come along, we have a guest.
And auram, you too, come in come in.
AURAM
I’ve never seen a tea shop connected
to a bowling alley before.
KAT
Yes, well, location, location, location.
By the way, today’s receipts will be going
to the Depp Foundation Scholarship,
for a deserving Hunnie attending Hump U.
AURAM
Ah, I’m going there. Going to live on campus.
A friend is packing for me and taking it over to the dorm.
KAT
That’s nice, luv. Now how about a nice tot of
liquid refreshement? Any one?
Don’t forget to check out the new Gift Shop too.
LaJae has made some nice danglies.
LAJAE
Hello Jack. Would you like to see my Fine Line Danglie Collection?
“It’s tongues…it’s a jar of tongues”
LAJAE
I know. Great conversation pieces.
Here, try one on. Will go nice with Mum.
JACK
I’d rather try this tongue LaJae
(Secret Window Cabin)
MOHO
Oh come on Mort! It will be fun!
“And tell me again why you want to go to Hooters?
MOHO
They’ve made an honorary dish for me!
Later Taters Tater Tots. Come on! Let’s go!
MORT
I have a better plan. Let’s just order in
MOHO
Oh, you are so romantical.
(20 minutes later….delivery arrives)
MORT
Well, P-O-T-A-T-O! Look at the size of this Tater Tot!
And even comes with it’s own doiley.
MOHO
Let me get a bun!
This is gonna be fun!
Me and my Hun!
Let me get the Schnapps!
(Back at Fleet Street)
“Beanie, who is that?”
BEANIE
Oh, that’s Lara.
ST
She’s barking mad.
BEANIE
Now that you mention it…
ST
What does she want? Standing there,
staring up at us muttering on with “fine” and “Whatever”.
BEANIE
She’s been waiting. For a shave (whispers to Todd)
“She wants me to shave her where?”
*Beanie whispers again*
“That’s what I thought you said.”
(glances back out window)
It’s Debb!
BEANIE
Why ya hiding,luv? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.
ST
It's Debb! She wants me to do lunch.
Something about being the Welcoming Committee.
BEANIE
“Now come on luv. Ye got to go out sometime.
Debb won’t bite. I mean NG might say otherwise,
but she’ll show you around and before you know it
you’ll be back here. Now treat her nice.
(Door opens)
DEBB
Morning Beanie…I thought I’d stop by and see….
ST
Come for a shave ‘ave ye?”
BEANIE
MR T! Get off her! She’s done you no harm!
DEBB
Geesh! Mr. Todd! That was close!
ST (sounding disappointed)
Not the closest I ever gave.
DEBB (brushing self off, getting off floor)
Yeah, well, never mind then. I understand JG was here.
ST
JG? Do I know her?
DEBB
She brought you brownies.
“Ah yes, called them “Politcal Boston Crème Wanna Be’s.”
DEBB
That’s the one. Said you were a bit on the nasty side.
She almost moved, she did. So I am here to see you
get to know the folks of Deppville a bit better.
Now let’s take a stroll
ST
Beanie? You’re not coming?
BEANIE
No Mr T. I’ve my lessons and Smitten’s promised
to play the piano for me. If she can find it.
Says Idzy keeps moving it. Ok, I’m off!
(Debb and ST saunter down the street)
DEBB
Let me introduce you Mr. T. See there?
ST
What is that?
DEBB
It’s priest…well…kind of a priest.
ST
Is he good?
DEBB
Sir, he’s too good at least.
Then again, he doesn’t commit sins of the flesh
So he’s really fresh.
ST
Awful lot of fat.
DEBB
Only where he sat.
ST
Haven’t you got poet, or something like that?
DEBB
No, y’see the trouble with poet is
How do you know it’s deceased?
Try the “priest”.
ST
Heavenly
Not as hearty as bishop, perhaps
but then again, not as bland as curate, either.
DEBB
And he’s got a good business, too…
always leaving you wanting more..
Trouble is, you can only get him on Sundays.
Hmmm
Lawyer’s rather nice.
ST
If it’s for a price.
Meet someone else then, to follow
since no one should swallow it twice.
TODD
Anything’s that lean?
DEBB
Well, then if you’re British and loyal
you might enjoy Royal Marine
Anyway it’s clean
Though of couse, it tastes of wherever it’s been
ST
Is that squire, on the fire?
DEBB
Mercy no, sir, look closer
You’ll notice it’s grocer
ST
Looks thicker, more like vicar.
DEBB
No, it has to be grocer—It’s green!
ST
There’s so much to know of this town my love!
DEBB
Save your bated breath
I’m just doing a favor!
ST
To know that I will be serving those up above.
DEBB
All the Hunnies shave
and you have plenty of neighbors!
ST
How gratifying for once to know
BOTH
That those Hunnies above, you will serve down below!
DEBB
Now, let’s see, here…we’ve got tinker
ST
Something…pinker
DEBB
Tailored?
ST
Paler
DEBB
Butler?
ST
Subltler.
DEBB
Potter?
ST
Hotter
DEBB
Locksmith? Lovely bit of clerk.
ST
Maybe for a lark.
DEBB
There is Morty’s twin
make you really cringe
Good with a shovel, but not with a hoe.
Thought that you oughta know
but
if you don’t like him
you can always go back to the twin.
ST
He looks pretty rank.
DEBB
Well, that’s because he drank
Yes, and he stank
But don’t give him scorn
he is really quite good with the corn.
DEBB
Since Marine doesn’t appeal to you, how about …rear admiral?
ST
Too salty. I prefer general.
DEBB
With or without his privates?
ST
What is that?
DEBB
She’s fop. Works at the tea shop
and a friend that’s a shepherd, he likes to be peppered and sot
But when he gets too close to Gerty, just tell him to stop!
Oh! I’ve just begun!
There’s the merchant so squirrelly
he’s sometimes acts girly
that all the Hunnies run
but he’s just having fun!
ST
Looks like he best stay out of the sun!
DEBB
Then there’s the Sparrow,
straight and narrow
ST
But with Jack, pronunciation’s no slack.
DEBB
Ed’s direction
not perfection
ST
And I know that his last name is Wood.
(pauses)
Call me when there is JUDGE in the ‘hood.
DEBB
Wait! True we don’t have Judge yet,
but we’ve got something you might fancy better.
ST
What’s that?
DEBB
Executioner.
ST
They all have charity to the world my pet!
DEBB
Yes! Yes! I know Mr. T!
ST
I’ll take all the neighbors that I can get!
DEBB
High born!
and low, my love!
ST
I’ll not discriminate great from small
No! I’ll serve anyone,
meaning anyone
anyone at all!
Thank you Debb for enlightening me on the population of Deppville.
DEBB
My pleasure Mr T. Now if you’ll excuse me,
NG is waiting for me to pack away his Christmas ornament.
ST
Don’t you mean ornaments?
DEBB
Uhmmm…yeah, yeah…that’s what I meant.
*Todd sees Debb out…as he waits…a shadowy figure appears at the bottom of the stairs*
MYSTERY FIGURE
“Mischief! Mischeif!”
*TODD walks down the stairs and rips off bonnet*
“Quiet Pirate! what are you doing?”
QP
Oh, just being me. See ya!
TODD
Hold up QP….how about a soothing skin massage?
“Take it QP, after all, he’s the expert.”
QP
Alrighty then, lead the way!
*Climb back up stairs….Todd closes door.*
Now I just wait for that Slovenly Saunterer and at last! My day will be complete again! Till then laydees....try the "priest".
http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v122/L...Priest.flv
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dYGHHxJnDIw
Deppville
WILMOT
Prithee, young lady, what manner of mischief is it that
you perform here at The Barista’s Hut?
HOPE
Oh! Rochester! Why I am just putting up
a new idea I had.Miss Babs said it was ok.
See? Scratch and Sniff ads for Java du Jour.
Give it a try.
WILMOT
Most excellent Mistress Hope.
I think I shall try it in the carriage.
(heads to carriage)
HOPE
But your lordship, don’t you want one of the posters?
WILMOT
I think I shall improvise.
(Climbs into carriage)
M’Lady, I have a new experiment.
Tis called Scratch and Sniff, but I shall add my
own twist and call it Scratch, Sniff and Savor
What say you?
CHOCOLAT
I think John that I need a bit more experimentation
of my own. Tee Hee.
(shadowy figure in doorway)
“Mischief, mischief”
(at JDa Salon)
WILMA
Ahola! I hear you’ve got a new partner Smitten.
Thought I’d give him a try.
SMITTEN
But Wilma, your hair is perfect.
WILMA
Oh not my hair, it’s this grass skirt. Needs a little mowing.
And do these coconuts make my coconuts look big?
SMITTEN
They look fine Wilma. Be glad they’re not made of
Arizona Prickly Pears. I’m a little busy myself, but
the new guy can take you in the next room
ST
“AH, a Hula Hunnie. Come in come in, I’ve just finished
with my last customer. Who was it?
Oh look, forgot his hat.
WILMA
He’s always doing that.
ST
What?
WILMA
Forgetting his hat.
ST
Who?
WILMA
Yes.
ST
Whatever you say, luv. Here you go, luv.
Empty seat. All for you.
Now, I hear ye be needing a little off the top?
WILMA
Uhm…not here (touches head) but a little off here (touches skirt)
ST
I see, you need to be served down below, then?
Let me see what I can do.
(starts trimming…female voice above starts to sing)
WILMA
What’s that?
ST
“That would be Beanie. She’ll be on YouTube before you know it.”
(knock on door)
Who is it?
WENCHIE (dressed in UPS uniform skirt)
J’ai une livraison pour le Fondateur Depp
SWEENEY
Founder Depp? A delivery? He’s not here, but I can sign.
And where is the delivery?”
*WENCHIE whistles to truck…Hand jumps out, carrying package*
“Where do I sign?”
“Perhaps you can return later, Miss Wenchie. A soothing skin massage
WENCHIE
Merci, Mr. T. Que vous etes l’expert!
TODD (to Wilma)
I shall return promptly. I must get this to The Founder’s office. It’s something made of gold. Personally I prefer silver.
(Heads out)
(down in Mrs Lovett’s kitchen)
FAVE D
Here you go KG…my Scrabble word’s gonna knock your
Calvin Kleins off ya! Poliosis. Double points! Yeah me!
KG
That’s not a word.
FAVED
Is too. Fact QP wrote a paper on it, so it’s gotta be a word.
Means white streak in hair. I got it, but ya can’t see it.
KG
Then it doesn’t count. You can only get the points if you show me.
FAVED
Alright, alright…come on under the table.
What I don’t do for points around here.
(shadowy figure peeking in window)
“Mischief, mischief”
*Out on the street*
JENNY
Jenny, Newshound, reporting live…
“Tis the best way to report one would say”
JENNY
Oh! Beadle! Gave me a start!
BEADLE
Wasn’t my intention, I assure you madam.
CC sent me your way. Wouldn’t let me in her dark room,
though I am sure she would ‘ave found me
Bay Rum exotic and intoxicating….
JENNY
Get on with it Beadle.
BEADLE
Begging the lady’s pardon. OF course.
I was in search of a certain governmental official.
I believe she is the Madam Mayor of Deppville.
Would you, could you , be telling a fine gentleman
as meself where I could find the said lady?
JENNY
I think she’s in Deluth, looking for cats or maybe
turkey buzzards. Or maybe checking out
CC’s pond for fishsticks. Why? What do you want with Idzy?
BEADLE
Fish on a stick you say? Never mind, I have it on
high authority she has me boots…Beadle Boots.
Thought I might ask her a few questions.
JENNY
Well, as long as they aren’t stupid…oh wait..Beadle…Questions…Oxymoron.
BEADLE
What was that?
JENNY
Nothing nothing.
KITTYKAT (jumping around him)
“Beadle, Beadle,Beadle”
BEADLE
Oh, little lady. Here’s a Meez coin.
Get yourself some de-caf from The Hut.
And perhaps you should see the new barber
KITTYKAT
You mean…Mee-stir….Sweeeee—kneee…Todd?
BEADLE
He’d be the one.
KITTYKAT
Don’t have ta….I’m his new receptionist.
Answer his phone all the time…didn’t you recognize my voice…
.Mr. Sweeney’s office...see…perfect pitch.
DEPPUTIZEDME
Psst…KittyKat! Get over here. He’s coming!
*Hunnies watch as Sweeney climbs back up stairs*
ME
Who is that with him?
KKAT
That’s JJDI. Said she’s gonna teach him how
to give soothing skin massages.
(giggles as they watch him climb the stairs)
ME
Ah, he is so damn yummy.
“Ladies…”
“You were gandering at Todd…yes…you were both…
gandering…I saw you. You…were…gandering.”
ME
What? Is there a law against gandering?
TURPIN
Indeed, there is. And I shall see you both punished
to the full extent of the law. Beadle! See to it these
two are incarcerated.
ME
KittyKat! Run! Or Hop…whatever…just go!
(both go bouncing up the street ducking into new shop)
HANNAH
Customers! Wait, what’s your rush?
What’s your hurry?
Did you come here for a san---wich?
A lovely Subway Sandwich?
ME
Sandwich? No, we’re hiding from the Beadle.
HANNAH (sing song)
Beatle? Which one?
Ringo or the Paul?
Don’t know either one at all.
KKAT
Not those Beatles…The Beadle…you know, smarmy, smells …ugh…
HANNAH
Oh! That one! Yeah, was in here yesterday.
Stunk up the place with what he calls Exotic Smell.
I think Todd needs his nose re-aligned if he thinks
Beadle smells exotic. Gag me with a Grande Latte…
sorry…no insult to Babs..but you know I lean towards the grape
…soda that is.
Okay what will it be? You hang, you buy.
KAZREN (hustles up to the Hunnies)
Alms..alms…a few Meez coins if you please.
I need Meez coins. I can sell you something for them…
let me see what I have…oh look…black undies…
fresh from the Founders drawers.
ME
They don’t look that fresh.
KAZ
Well, no, they have been worn a few times.
Okay a lot of times. But they’re authentic.
And yeah, I took them from Beckham.
So they’re not so posh, if you get my drift.
HUNNIES
Ahhhh…
KAT
Good you got it.
ME
But that is quite the real deal exotic smell…making me hungry.
Let’s eat.
(Shadowy figure at next table, peeks over menu)
“Mischief, mischief”
(Deppville Public Pool)
“CC! I keep telling you to stop playing with the goldfish!
Damn! Let you out of the loo and look what happens!”
CC
But Idzy wants fishsticks for dinner!
RUSTY
Goldfish? I thought they were called CHUBS?
TOBY
Don’t worry! I got Idzy’s order covered!
*runs to Deppville Diner*
TOBY
Hey Idzy! I got your fish for you!
IDZY
Where is said fish, young Toby?
“Uhmmmm….”
IDZY
Your pants? That’s the fish in your pants?
And I thought you were just happy to see me?
Well, I can’t eat that thing now. Put it in the pool out back.
The Pool Man’s here, cleaning it up, so it should be
good to go soon.
(AT The BELLS)
TRUDY
Excuse Me, Shiny Bar Guy, Could I Get A Tot of Fuzzy Navel?
SBG
Sure TruD. We make them fresh here…using your navel!
But have to ask, what’s a Tot?
RUSTY (passing thru, snatching appropriate glass)
That would be a half pint. May not know my fish,
but I know my drinks!
SBG
Hey Rusty, while you’re out, will you take this to Todd?
(Rusty makes the delivery)
“Ahh…Puddles”
“Anyone seen EPS? Ol Jack’s got a sticky problem with his
Jack Stack…seems I spilled syrup over meself.”
EPS
Here I be Jack! Let me take care of that problem,
with a lick and a promise!
Liking the lick part EPS, but what be the promise?
EPS
I promise that you’ll be clean as a whistle when I’m done!
FANNY (petting soft beaver)
Whistle! Whistle! Someone’s got Whistle and not sharing!
Rickman Drivel I tell ya! Sniveling Snots…
worse than that Green Finch warbler.
Hiding things from me, like some…
well, I aint making promises that nothings gonna harm ya.
Kick you all to the curb like those non-walking garbage cans,
with me curb-kicking high heels!
(SOMETHING PINK FLASHES BY followed by ROUX)
ROUX
“Babs! My Sweet! Come back here! You’re still in your jammies!”
BABS
My pussy is out! Save my pussy Roux!”
“Now how am I to take that?”
FANNY
Take it any way you want Gypsy Boy, but why I ain’t got one…
and shut it Roux-sie…I know what you’re going to say!
FANNY
Don’t give me that look!
I know what you were thinking and I’m not whistling Dixie,
or what ever it is those Americans whistle and
speaking of Whistle, where’s mine?
(PINK FLASH)
There she goes Roux…better catch her before she ends
up over at Fogg’s Asylum wearing a new jacket
and I’m not talking Shell Gas Station kind.
*bell tinkles over door at CURIOSITY SHOPPE*
VIANNE
I am looking for some new colors and was told that Chocolat
has some to offer.
SHOPPE ASSISTANT
“Come in Vianne. Choc was here a minute ago,
but just ran in to grab some CHUBS. Perhaps I can help?
VIANNE
I think you can help me anytime. Show me your paint box!
(Across Town)
Sorry Hope, Chofy, Pegs. AmryJR is too sick to come out. But maybe you can go to the bowling alley. I hear Aggie and Tommy
are playing with his new balls.
(Depp Lanes Bowling Alley)
BOWLING ALLEY TEAM MATE
“Funny, I always thought Tommy’s balls were bigger than
this”
(Shadowy figure hiding behind rental shoes)
“Balls! Balls! Sign of the Devil!”
(HUNNIES head over to see new tea shop TEA BALLS
KAT
Welcome girls. Join me for some Welsh Tea?
Ich, come along, we have a guest.
And auram, you too, come in come in.
AURAM
I’ve never seen a tea shop connected
to a bowling alley before.
KAT
Yes, well, location, location, location.
By the way, today’s receipts will be going
to the Depp Foundation Scholarship,
for a deserving Hunnie attending Hump U.
AURAM
Ah, I’m going there. Going to live on campus.
A friend is packing for me and taking it over to the dorm.
KAT
That’s nice, luv. Now how about a nice tot of
liquid refreshement? Any one?
Don’t forget to check out the new Gift Shop too.
LaJae has made some nice danglies.
LAJAE
Hello Jack. Would you like to see my Fine Line Danglie Collection?
“It’s tongues…it’s a jar of tongues”
LAJAE
I know. Great conversation pieces.
Here, try one on. Will go nice with Mum.
JACK
I’d rather try this tongue LaJae
(Secret Window Cabin)
MOHO
Oh come on Mort! It will be fun!
“And tell me again why you want to go to Hooters?
MOHO
They’ve made an honorary dish for me!
Later Taters Tater Tots. Come on! Let’s go!
MORT
I have a better plan. Let’s just order in
MOHO
Oh, you are so romantical.
(20 minutes later….delivery arrives)
MORT
Well, P-O-T-A-T-O! Look at the size of this Tater Tot!
And even comes with it’s own doiley.
MOHO
Let me get a bun!
This is gonna be fun!
Me and my Hun!
Let me get the Schnapps!
(Back at Fleet Street)
“Beanie, who is that?”
BEANIE
Oh, that’s Lara.
ST
She’s barking mad.
BEANIE
Now that you mention it…
ST
What does she want? Standing there,
staring up at us muttering on with “fine” and “Whatever”.
BEANIE
She’s been waiting. For a shave (whispers to Todd)
“She wants me to shave her where?”
*Beanie whispers again*
“That’s what I thought you said.”
(glances back out window)
It’s Debb!
BEANIE
Why ya hiding,luv? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.
ST
It's Debb! She wants me to do lunch.
Something about being the Welcoming Committee.
BEANIE
“Now come on luv. Ye got to go out sometime.
Debb won’t bite. I mean NG might say otherwise,
but she’ll show you around and before you know it
you’ll be back here. Now treat her nice.
(Door opens)
DEBB
Morning Beanie…I thought I’d stop by and see….
ST
Come for a shave ‘ave ye?”
BEANIE
MR T! Get off her! She’s done you no harm!
DEBB
Geesh! Mr. Todd! That was close!
ST (sounding disappointed)
Not the closest I ever gave.
DEBB (brushing self off, getting off floor)
Yeah, well, never mind then. I understand JG was here.
ST
JG? Do I know her?
DEBB
She brought you brownies.
“Ah yes, called them “Politcal Boston Crème Wanna Be’s.”
DEBB
That’s the one. Said you were a bit on the nasty side.
She almost moved, she did. So I am here to see you
get to know the folks of Deppville a bit better.
Now let’s take a stroll
ST
Beanie? You’re not coming?
BEANIE
No Mr T. I’ve my lessons and Smitten’s promised
to play the piano for me. If she can find it.
Says Idzy keeps moving it. Ok, I’m off!
(Debb and ST saunter down the street)
DEBB
Let me introduce you Mr. T. See there?
ST
What is that?
DEBB
It’s priest…well…kind of a priest.
ST
Is he good?
DEBB
Sir, he’s too good at least.
Then again, he doesn’t commit sins of the flesh
So he’s really fresh.
ST
Awful lot of fat.
DEBB
Only where he sat.
ST
Haven’t you got poet, or something like that?
DEBB
No, y’see the trouble with poet is
How do you know it’s deceased?
Try the “priest”.
ST
Heavenly
Not as hearty as bishop, perhaps
but then again, not as bland as curate, either.
DEBB
And he’s got a good business, too…
always leaving you wanting more..
Trouble is, you can only get him on Sundays.
Hmmm
Lawyer’s rather nice.
ST
If it’s for a price.
Meet someone else then, to follow
since no one should swallow it twice.
TODD
Anything’s that lean?
DEBB
Well, then if you’re British and loyal
you might enjoy Royal Marine
Anyway it’s clean
Though of couse, it tastes of wherever it’s been
ST
Is that squire, on the fire?
DEBB
Mercy no, sir, look closer
You’ll notice it’s grocer
ST
Looks thicker, more like vicar.
DEBB
No, it has to be grocer—It’s green!
ST
There’s so much to know of this town my love!
DEBB
Save your bated breath
I’m just doing a favor!
ST
To know that I will be serving those up above.
DEBB
All the Hunnies shave
and you have plenty of neighbors!
ST
How gratifying for once to know
BOTH
That those Hunnies above, you will serve down below!
DEBB
Now, let’s see, here…we’ve got tinker
ST
Something…pinker
DEBB
Tailored?
ST
Paler
DEBB
Butler?
ST
Subltler.
DEBB
Potter?
ST
Hotter
DEBB
Locksmith? Lovely bit of clerk.
ST
Maybe for a lark.
DEBB
There is Morty’s twin
make you really cringe
Good with a shovel, but not with a hoe.
Thought that you oughta know
but
if you don’t like him
you can always go back to the twin.
ST
He looks pretty rank.
DEBB
Well, that’s because he drank
Yes, and he stank
But don’t give him scorn
he is really quite good with the corn.
DEBB
Since Marine doesn’t appeal to you, how about …rear admiral?
ST
Too salty. I prefer general.
DEBB
With or without his privates?
ST
What is that?
DEBB
She’s fop. Works at the tea shop
and a friend that’s a shepherd, he likes to be peppered and sot
But when he gets too close to Gerty, just tell him to stop!
Oh! I’ve just begun!
There’s the merchant so squirrelly
he’s sometimes acts girly
that all the Hunnies run
but he’s just having fun!
ST
Looks like he best stay out of the sun!
DEBB
Then there’s the Sparrow,
straight and narrow
ST
But with Jack, pronunciation’s no slack.
DEBB
Ed’s direction
not perfection
ST
And I know that his last name is Wood.
(pauses)
Call me when there is JUDGE in the ‘hood.
DEBB
Wait! True we don’t have Judge yet,
but we’ve got something you might fancy better.
ST
What’s that?
DEBB
Executioner.
ST
They all have charity to the world my pet!
DEBB
Yes! Yes! I know Mr. T!
ST
I’ll take all the neighbors that I can get!
DEBB
High born!
and low, my love!
ST
I’ll not discriminate great from small
No! I’ll serve anyone,
meaning anyone
anyone at all!
Thank you Debb for enlightening me on the population of Deppville.
DEBB
My pleasure Mr T. Now if you’ll excuse me,
NG is waiting for me to pack away his Christmas ornament.
ST
Don’t you mean ornaments?
DEBB
Uhmmm…yeah, yeah…that’s what I meant.
*Todd sees Debb out…as he waits…a shadowy figure appears at the bottom of the stairs*
MYSTERY FIGURE
“Mischief! Mischeif!”
*TODD walks down the stairs and rips off bonnet*
“Quiet Pirate! what are you doing?”
QP
Oh, just being me. See ya!
TODD
Hold up QP….how about a soothing skin massage?
“Take it QP, after all, he’s the expert.”
QP
Alrighty then, lead the way!
*Climb back up stairs….Todd closes door.*
Now I just wait for that Slovenly Saunterer and at last! My day will be complete again! Till then laydees....try the "priest".
http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v122/L...Priest.flv
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dYGHHxJnDIw
BRAVO!!! BRAVO!!! Debb!!!