04-04-2008, 05:01 PM
APRIL 2008
DEPPVILLE
“Mr Sweeney! Mr Sweeney!”
“What is it Kitten? Can’t you see I’m having a conversation
with Puddles? Here, Celine, please keep her company.”
“I’m sorry Mr Sweeney, but I thought you should know”
This sounds very important Kitten.
Tell me, it’s not KittyKat is it?
Is she having a bad hair day again?
I can fix that problem right up.
KITTEN
No Mr Sweeney, but I’ll let her know you offered.
No, it’s about a new guy in town. I saw him.
I think he’s looking to take out a large deposit.
SWEENEY
Don’t you mean, make a deposit.
I mean if he’s new, how can he withdraw?
KITTEN
It’s gonna be an early withdrawal Mr Sweeney. Go look!
*down on street, outside Fleet Street Financial*
*jumps out of sight*
“Bunch of bleeders! I think you’re right Kitten.
I remember him. I gave him that haircut yesterday!
Go get word to the Inspector. Quick!”
KITTEN
I’m a quick pussy, Mr Sweeney!
Miss LaJae can attest to that!
“I’m too busy gandering at the guy with the big gun
across the street to worry about pussies today”
*out on Fleet Street*
“Top o’the mornin’ to ye ladies.
What brings you fine gentlewomen out so early?”
*Wenchie and ShesBarkingMad grab each other, startled*
WENCHIE
Oh Beadle! You scared us!
BEADLE
Not my intention I assure you.
But tis in your best interest that you shouldn’t
be wandering about unescorted.
SBMad
We got an escort.
*Wenchie elbows SBMad*
BEADLE
And who might that be Miss Lara?
SBMad
Why that fine naughty sausage over there.
BEADLE *looks to empty spot*
I don’t see a sausage.
SBMad
Oh? Where’d he go?
*car backing up street*
WENCHIE *whispering to SBMad*
He can do it backwards as good as forward can’t he?
*Two giggle*
*Upstairs at Todd’s place*
*looking out Todd’s window*
“You’re sure you recognized him Mr. Todd?”
SWEENEY
I assure you Inspector.
I remember everyone who goes under my blade.
TRUDY *sitting in Sweeney’s chair. tucked beneath a lovely quilt*
And I Can Assure You Inspector!
Mr Todd Has A Fine Blade Indeed!
“Why thank you TruD.
You always have the kindest words.”
“I don’t think that’s the blade he was
talking about TruD. Now, back to this
mysterious stranger in town.
You think he is up to no good?”
FYA *bursting into room, dancing all the way*
There you are Inspector! I want to report…
ABBERLINE
I know Miss Fanny. Mr Todd has already
reported the man with the gun.
FYA *with a ‘cheerleader” jump*
Man with a gun? No way Jose!
I’m talking about Amigo Man.
ABBERLINE
Another one?
FYA *twirls, snaps fingers*
You mean there’s two Amigos in town?
ABBERLINE
No, I mean Mr Todd has reported a
different man lurking about.
FYA *Hammer-times across floor*
Damn, Choc’s always mentioning
lurkers and lookiloos but I didn’t believe her.
So it’s true, we’re being invaded?
ABBERLINE
You been watching one too many
Outer Limit episodes with Eps?
Two men do not make an invasion, Miss Fanny.
FYA *back flips*
Does in my book. Not that I carry a book like that.
Debb does. Not me. I keep it all up here.
*taps temple*
Not only that, but I can act and sing
every line to High School Musical.
Wanna see?
*starts to dance, then suddenly”*
Look! There he is! Amigo Man!
*Abberline looks*
FYA *Moonwalks*
Why you smiling? Don’t you see him?
ABBERLINE
I do Fanny. But you need to take a closer look.
I do believe thats Juan the Cabana Boy on his day off.
FYA (stops twirling)
What! *looks again*
Well hand me a laptop and fuck me sideways…no wait,
that’s ME’s saying. So I’ll just keep it simple….
WTF??? Out of my way. I need to get that boy home!
*runs out door, jumps railing---forgetting she’s on 2nd floor*
Damn! Good thing you caught me Juan!
Now let’s get home!
I’m in need of some good vibration.
ABBERLINE
I do believe she has watched High School Musical
one too many times. Oh ,well, I think I shall canvas
the street to see if anyone else saw your stranger Mr Todd.
Have a good day. Kitten, you come with me.
“Yes Inspector”
*passes by CC’s new shoppe---Standees R Us---
sees pile of cardboard standees in street*
ABBERLINE
Morning Miss CC.
*ducks to avoid flying standee*
May I inquire as to what you are doing?
You know, this falls under the littering law?
CC
Weeding Inspector. Cluttering up the Dark Room.
Not keeping what I don’t like and these have to go.
Would be nice if someone would get off their bum
and help me!
“I’m supervising CC”
CC
Well, I didn’t hire you to just sit around.
*pauses*
Wait…yes I did. Okay, good job.
*tosses another standee—a cry followed by a thud out on street*
GODLEY
It’s Beanie. She was beaned by a board.
I think she was comin’ to talk to you.
I found these clenched in her hand.
ABBERLINE
Cufflinks?
CC
Jeepers! I know these!
That new guy in town was wearing them.
Cat’s meow, aren’t they? No offense Kitten.
KITTEN
None taken.
ABBERLINE
There’s a new guy in town and you look at his cufflinks?
CC
What can I say Inspector. I like my men ‘purty’
*looks back at Radiator Guy, wiggles fingers*
“What?”
CC
Nothing sweetie. Just keep doing what you’re doing.
Okay.
I gotta get back to work.
ABBERLINE
We can’t leave Beanie here.
We need to move her.
(Young Toby appears)
“Nuttin’s gonna harm her…not while I’m around.”
PERILLI
Who is this?
Who is this Miss?
I can fix this…
with just a kiss…
ABBERLINE
Signor Pirelli, good.
You may be able to help me. Looking for a man…
PERILLI
This man Inspector? Show him Toby.
ABBERLINE
No Signor, not that man.
PERILLI
But this is-a the Pope!
He give-a you hope!
ABBERLINE
Never mind, just see to it
Beanie gets home safe.
PERILLI
Si, si, Inspector.
Help-a me with her Toby.
(whispers)
Maybe we can-a bottle some of that Green Flash of hers.
ABBERLINE
Now, where were we Godley? Ah , yes. The cufflinks.
Let us investigate further. Follow me. You too Kitten.
KITTEN
Yes Inspector.
ABBERLINE
These ladies might be witnesses.
PRICESA
Sorry Inspector. I just got back to Deppville.
But I did see a guy in a black jacket…
just strolling down the street,like nobody’s business.
There he is!
KITTEN
He’s nice, but that’s not him Inspector.
VIANNE
Oh, I think I know who you mean.
ABBERLINE
Good, can you describe him?
VIANNE
I can do better that that!
*whips out Etch-A-Sketch*
*hands drawing to Abberline*
ABBERLINE *handing EtchASketch to Godley*
Thank you Vianne. We’ll put it in our report.
Anyone else?
SMITTEN
Can’t help you either. I’ve been painting for
weeks and weeks and weeks.
Just helped CC put on a finishing coat at her new shoppe.
ABBERLINE
Yes, I’ve been there.
Couldn’t help notice the white on the floor.
SMITTEN
That? Oh that wasn’t paint. Tee Hee.
FANNY *Flashdancing by*
I don’t get it! Damn, I need a Stella.
HOPE
Can I add my two cents?
IDZY (passing by)
Two cents? Just two cents, Great White?
Don’t you know about inflation?
Make it two bucks.
I think Abberline’s worth that much don’t you think?
Got to go find Babs.
She was suppose to be bringing home the Canadian Bacon.
Well, it’s not really Canadian.
Well, yeah, it is cuz it’s made in Canada, right?
But they don’t call it that.
It’s back bacon to them.
And speaking of backs,
have you seen the back of that new guy in town?
ABBERLINE
You’ve seen the new guy, Mayor?
IDZY
I have. Last time I heard,
he was over at the courthouse buying Thin Mints.
Nice guy, supporting the Hunnie Bunnies…
they’re Deppville’s answer to the Girl Scouts.
Hey…where you going Inspector??
ABBERLINE (at courthouse)
Excuse me sir. Could you direct me to where
a Hunnie Bunnie is selling her cookies?
“She was right there…but some jive guy came
in a carriage and made her pack it in.
Mentioned a shoppe of curiousities over on Fleet Street.
Might go check it out later.”
ABBERLINE
Thank you sir. I know of who you speak.
*Heads to the Curiosity Shoppe*
“Chocolat…Inspector Abberline. Are you in?”
CHOC
*curtains part, Peter Gunn theme song playing.*
I am Inspector.
*tilts fedora on head (not exactly part of the uniform)*
CHOCOLAT
You were saying Inspector?
*Abberline shakes thoughts clear*
“Yes, I was saying.
I was informed that you were selling your cookies
over at the courthouse.
“You were selling what?”
CHOCOLAT
No, no Wilmot. Not those cookies…tee hee…
sorry Inspector. The Earl and I, well
we have this little game we play…
ABBERLINE
I beg you, Miss Chocolat, no details are needed.
CHOCOLAT
But I still have some cookies left, but not Thin Mints.
The gentleman cleaned me out.
WILMOT
What!
CHOCOLAT
No, Rochester, not that kind of cleaning….
that’s another game…
Oh right, TMI, sorry Inspector.
ABBERLINE
I know your Lordship, you have a talent with paper and pen.
Perhaps your lady might give a description
and you can render a rendition of this stranger.
I have one from Vianne but it’s a little “sketchy”.
*Choc describes while Wilmot scribes*
WILMOT
Here you go Inspector.
CHOCOLAT
That’s it! You’re so good Johnny!
ABBERLINE
But…but…Miss Chocolat…that looks like…
CHOCOLAT
Well, Inspector, the man did have a big gun!
ABBERLINE
Very well, Godley, put it in with the other report papers.
*Back on Fleet Street*
ABBERLINE
Kitten, go see what those motorcyclists are posting.
*KITTEN grabs a poster, returns to Abbeline*
“Inspector! Inspector! What’s it say?”
ABBERLINE
Appears to be a health warning of sorts.
Signed by a Hunnie named Dramaced.
KITTEN
Oh! I know her Inspector.
She works for the Deppville Health Clinic.
Follow me!
(Deppville Health Clinic)
ABBERLINE
What’s this? Are you here for medical reasons?
BRASCO
Forgeddaboutit.
We’re here applying for the new position that’s opened up.
Realtor. Dram’s in need of someone to show her
the lay of the land, if you be getting my drift?
ABBERLINE
Yes, I got it.
KITTEN
Good you got it!
ABBERLINE
Kitten!
KITTEN
Sowwey! I’m just a quick pussie.
ABBERLINE
We need to explore elsewhere. Follow me.
(across town)
“Inspector! Good you made it!”
ABBERLINE
I didn’t know you were expecting me Mr Grape.
GILBERT
Yes! I called. I want you to put a stop to this!
She’s leaving it all over my store!
ABBERLINE
What is that?
“It’s poop!
Leaves it on my stoop!
And whenever I clean it,
she returns and she leaves it again!
Driving me‘round the bend!”
ABBERLINE
Do you know the perpetrator?
KITTEN *mumbling beneath breath*
Poop-a-traitor is more like it.
GILBERT
I can draw you a picture.
ABBERLINE
No! No more pictures, please.
I’ll have to add this to my future investigation.
Right now I am on a case concerning a stranger in town
with a big gun, driving a big car.
Told he drives it backwards quite well.
Have you heard or seen him?
GILBERT
Hold on Inspector. I’ll ask.
(outside )
QP! Have you seen a stranger?
Big gun? Big car? Drives backwards.
QP (with friend up on water tower)
“Match in the gas tank! Boom! Boom!”
ABBERLINE
Why is she clear up there?
GILBERT
She likes quiet places to practice with her guitar teacher.
ABBERLINE
Then perhaps we shouldn’t bother them.
Thank you sir.
Kitten, shall we go.
(At The Hut)
“Good morning Inspector. What can I do for you?
ABBERLINE
I’m looking for the proprietress.
KITTEN
I thought we were looking for a poop-a-traitor.
ABBERLINE
Kitten!
KITTEN
Sowwey.
ROUX
Ah, that would be my lovely Babs.
She’s busy at the moment.
KITTEN
Isn’t that the baff-room? Is she….”
ROUX
No! She’s trying on her new sandals.
She makes several trips a day into town
to check out the new merchandise.
ABBERLINE
That could prove quite expensive.
ROUX
One would think. But she always seems to manage
to pull C-notes out of her pants.
*Abberline and Kitten look to each other*
ABBERLINE
C-notes you say, Roux?
Do you know where she may be obtaining them?
Is business that good here at the Hut?
ROUX
Business is good, but she always gives the coffee away,
so the register is bare bones. No, she did mention
something about a generous gentleman at the courthouse.
Was buying Thin Mints, then bought her coffee right
out of her hands too. Ah, there you are my luv.
Those sandals look good enough to eat off your tootsies.
BABS
You think Roux?
Might not keep me warm in an Alberta Clipper,
but that’s what I have you for.
“And you’d be right my Babs.”
*bell chimes over door*
JJDI
Excuse me, I was told to look for The Three Gooses.
Is that a new shoppe?
BABS *sigh*
No that would be me, Fanny and Rusty.
Fanny will tell you she’s the good looking one,
but I must heartily disagree.
JJDI
And how will I know Rusty?
BABS
She’ll be this high.
*holds hand thigh high*
As for Fanny, she’s the biggest honker; as in noise.
JJDI
You know who else has a big honker?
That guy in the big car. He has a nice honker too,
and I ain’t talking about his nose or horn. LOL!
ABBERLINE
You’ve seen this man?
The one with the big honker…I mean car?
Show me where!
JJDI
Sorry Inspector. Love to help, but I’m on my way out of town.
Got to stop at Sweeney’s.
Wilma recommends I get a quick trimming of the skirt before
I head to the islands. She’s always on my back.
Maybe while I’m there I’ll try a soothing skin massage.
Will send you a postcard!
(Hula’s out, singing “Lovely Hula Hands”)
KITTEN
If she gets that skirt twimmed any shorter its gonna show her…
ABBERLINE
Kitten!
KITTEN
What? Oh nevermind.
I know…we’re going somewhere else.
Follow you.
*Two Streets Over*
WILMOT
“Here you go Miss Wilma. Fresh from Lady Ellie’s garden.”
WILMA
Oh thank you your Lordship.
I needed a fresh one. Last batch…mmmm…not too good.
(outside)
KITTEN
Oh! I know this place Inspector.
This is Wilma’s.
She makes the best Wubbery Wemon Pies, she does. A wittle competition for those meat pies on Fleet Street.
(enters Wilma’s pie shoppe)
WILMA
Welcome Inspector! I heard you are on quite a case.
Ah, Lord Rochester, leaving so soon?
I do apologize Miss Wilma,
but I promised to juggle Chocolat’s coconuts later.
KITTEN
OHHH! I wuv chocolate and cocoanut!
Can I come too?
ABBERLINE
I believe that is not what the Earl has in mind Kitten.
Good day sir. Hello Miss Wilma.
WILMA
Welcome Inspector. Need a little break?
Try some pie? No! Inspector not the Pineapple Pie it’s too…. …
…runny. Opps! Why don’t you go upstairs and clean up.
Chofy will run you a bath and I’ll send some refreshments up.
(few minutes later)
This was very kind of Miss Wilma, wasn’t it Kitten?
And CHofy sure knows the perfect temperature for
the water.
“I don’t wike baffs. Ohh….look Inspector. A pi-wate!”
“Oh look! A little pussy!
I have a perfect pocket for you…hop in!
KITTEN (wiggles around)
This is nice Jack!
“You’ve no idea luv!”
ABBERLINE
Sparrow! I hope it’s important that you disturb my bath!
JACK
Captain…that’s Captain Sparrow, Inspector.
I have in-for-ma-tion from a woman…by the name of Kaz.
By the way, why are you taking a bath?
ABBERLINE
I tried one of Wilma’s pineapple pies.
ABBERLINE
Back to Kaz. She could not deliver this information herself.
JACK
‘Fraid not Inspector. She’s busy.
With work and all that.
*wiggles fingers*
Dashing about here and there. Mostly there.
Where was I? Oh yes…actually mate,
Chocolat discovered it, she passed it on to Kaz
and being the busy bee she is, passed it on to Jenny
who entrusted it to me, and Robert’s your uncle and Fanny’s your aunt…Fanny!
Okay, she’s not around.
ABBERLINE
No, she’s not. So what is this information?
“How much do you know about John Dillinger?”
GRONKS *bursting thru door*
Whad-up! Back in business, I am!
Hey, ain’t you the Inspector from Scotland Yard?
Don’t get up on my account.
ABBERLINE
Trust me Gronks, I wasn’t.
GRONKS
No? My loss. Hey there Jack.
You happy to see me or does your pocket move
like that all the time?
KITTEN
I’m in here Gwonks!
GRONKS
Oh, right…the pussy pocket.
ABBERLINE
Did you have something to add to the Dillinger case Gronks?
GRONKS
Who? Oh, right!
*pulls out fingerpainting*
It’s as close to his likeness I could get.
ABBERLINE *moans*
Not another picture. Ok, give it to Godley downstairs.
GRONKS
Only if he promises to put it on the fridge!
But then, Fanny just takes it off.
Okay, I’ll give it to guy downstairs.
*goes off humming Peter Gunn theme song*
JACK
There’s no living with that song.
ABBERLINE
You’re still here, pirate?
JACK
Ah, yes Inspector. I have something of me own for you.
ABBERLINE sinks below waterline.
Was just trying to help Inspector.
*leaves bathroom*
KAT
Inspector!
ABBERLINE
Kat!
KAT
I have something concerning that new guy in town.
ABBERLINE
Please tell me Miss Kat
it is NOT another hand-drawn picture?
KAT
Picture? No, no. But I did find some orange socks.
I think he left them at the Laundromat when he did his laundry.
ABBERLINE
Are you sure they’re not NG’s cozies?
KAT
Ewwweeee….no! I don’t touch his cozies!
ABBERLINE
But you’ll touch a strangers socks?
KAT
Well, I mean…I suppose I did…anyway…do you want them?
ABBERLINE
Give them to Kitten to take to Godley.
Kitten? Kitten?
Oh no, Jack has her in his pocket.
I guess I must request that you take
the socks down yourself Miss Kat. Thank you.
KAT
G’day sir.
(leaves)
ABBERLINE
So if he has lost his socks, perhaps he might return to claim them.
*Drys off, dresses, heads across town,
finds ME in Town Square, clicking heels*
ME
There’s no place like home.
There’s no place like home.
There’s no place like home.
ABBERLINE
ME,my dearest. It appears you may be lost?
ME
Oh no Inspector! I DEPPinately know where I am.
Just now and again I like to remind myself.
ABBERLINE *pointing behind her*
And those would be?
ME
Oh they’re the new danglies I bought from Perelli.
He said the Founding Father brought them
home from Switzerland.
You know I love Mr. D’s danglies.
Could hang from them all day.
ABBERLINE
ME, The Founding Father hasn’t been to Switzerland.
ME
No! Say it’s not so! Oh I am going to cry!
I need something to wipe my tears.
FOUNDING FATHER
“Hush, hush, my dear ME. I heard your sorrow.
Here, use my scarf. Rusty has always said my scarf is the cat’s pajamas when it comes to wiping away said tears.”
*Dabs ME’s tears*
Now tell me what has happened?
*ME points to “danglies”*
FOUNDING FATHER
Ahhh, yes. I have heard that Perelli
is pawning off the bells as danglies.
No worries love. You can dangle from mine.
Come along, my car is here. I can take you home.
ABBERLINE
But Mr. D, I needed to interview her!
“Later Inspector.
Lets just say, she’s in my custody for now.”
(drives off with ME)
*Abberline wanders up street to Bowling Alley.
Finds CLOSED sign, calls out to
passing stranger rushing by*
Excuse me sir, can you tell me what’s become of the proprietors?
“I heard Aggie and Tommy have gone to a meeting.
Something called Balls Anonymous. Love to chat, cat,
but gotta scat!”
ABBERLINE
Thank you sir! Well, check Aggie and Tommy off the list for now.
Will try to catch them when they are done with
the meeting of the balls.
“Excuse me Inspector?”
ABBERLINE
And you are?
“Aruam”
ABBERLINE
I see, Miss Aruam. And is this your normal wardrobe?
ARUAM
No, no. I’m manning a table for the annual
Deppville’s Greek Gods and Goddesses Pagent.
Fundraiser for the Library.
Library Lady Debb says there has been a sudden interest
in John Dillinger and she needed funds
to add to the collection.
ABBERLINE
Very admirable of you Miss Aruam.
But I must admit, I am a bit concerned
that you are out here on your own.
ARUAM
Oh, I’m not. He’s helping me with my table.
See, each jar holds different coins.
He pushes them into the bottle necks…
great fingers for pushing.
FaveD is here too. She’s working that table.
*directs Inspector to next table*
ABBERLINE
Sir, I am in need of speaking to a Miss Favoritedarkness.
“She’s busy, Down Under.”
ABBERLINE
Oh? She’s gone to Australia.
KITCHEN TABLE GUY
That’s not what I said Inspector.
“Oh, I see. I mean I don’t really see.
I mean, I’ll leave you to it then.
KITCHEN TABLE GUY
Don’t forget to donate Inspector.
*Abberline makes a charitable contribution, heads to library*
“Evening Inspector. What can I do for you?”
ABBERLINE
I’m looking for John Dillinger.
REFERNCE GUY
*pointing to aisles*
“364.3”
ABBERLINE
Sorry?
REFERENCE GUY
Three-sixty-four point three.
That’s the Dewey Decimal number for criminals.
Unless you would prefer a biography.
Then that’s in the last aisle.
The Intern can help you I popping off to the Hut for some coffee.
“Yes sir. Are you being helped?”
ABBERLINE
I understand the Hunnies have developed
a sudden interest in Mr.Dillinger.
INTERN
Ah, well, ever since he opened a library card,
applications have sky-rocketed.
ABBERLINE
He’s a card-carrying member of the library?
INTERN
Indeed, sir. Miss Debb registered him herself.
Made a $100 donation.
ABBERLINE
Hmmmm…the same amount for Miss Choc’s cookies
and Miss Babs coffee. I’m seeing a pattern here.
INTERN
Oh that would be the new floor.
Nice isn’t it. By the way, if you needed a book on Dillinger,
I’m sorry to say, Mr. Rainey got the last one.
“Can I help you Inspector?”
ABBERLINE
Perhaps,Mr. Rainey. If I may come in?
MORT
Certainly Inspector. Come in, have a seat.
*sound of coins dropping upstairs*
“Oh excuse me Inspector.
“MoHo? Honey? We have company.
Can you stop that for a minute?
MOHO
1,732; 1,733; 1734…what? What Mort?
Oh! I lost count! Have to start over.
One, two, three….”
“She’s been counting out of that jar of dirt
for three days now Inspector!
I’m not sure I can take it anymore…i
t’s like the Chinese Water Torture!”
Your friend, he want Water Torture…I give him water torture!
“I do believe Sei Feng,
it was the other one that said “water torture”.
SEI FENG
OH! Me Bad! Me Run! Hide on Pearl!
“Pearl? Pearl? Did he say The Pearl?
Wait! That’s me ship!
*chases Sei Feng*
(quiet voice)
“Someone help me please?”
“Down here Mr Wainey….I jumped outta Jack’s pocket”
ABBERLINE
Oh Kitten! There you are.
Now Mr Rainey, back to business.
I am following the trail of one, Mr John Dillinger.
Have you heard of him?
MORT
Actually Inspector, I just picked up a book on him.
I can lend it to you. Hmmm…where is it?
Oh yeah. Out in the car. Come on.
ABBERLINE
I have but another Hunnie to interview.
I am told I can find her behind the couch at the Hut.
Shall we Kitten?
KITTEN
I know, I know, follow you Inspector.
*At The Hut*
ABBERLINE
Excuse me Miss. I am looking for RustyRed.
SILLYWENCH
Oh, well, I’m still getting to know the names and faces.
But I have learned about Bendy Legs.
See…there’s a Bendy, there’s a Bendy and …
ABBERLINE
Thank you anyway. I’ll look around.
RUM GUY
Inspector, hello. What can I do for you?
ABBERLINE
I’m here on official business.
I need to speak with Miss Rusty.
RUM GUY
Rusty babe…we got company…and bring another bottle of rum
RUSTY
Coming baby.
Ohhh, what is she doing?
RUSTY
High pants. All the rage now you know,
since that new guy blew into town.
Rummy,does this make my belly button look like an outie?
RUM GUY
If it does sweetie, I’ll just use my finger to pop it back in…
unless you had other plans for my fingers?
RUSTY
Excuse us Inspector. Seems I have a *cough* appointment.
ABBERLINE
Before you go Miss Rusty.
Do you know where I can find Miss Debb.
She seems to be last on my list to interview.
RUSTY
Oh best hurry then Inspector.
She’s over at the hall getting ready for the April concert.
*Abberline and Kitten hurry to the Hall*
“Sorry dude, you got a ticket?”
“Mr NG, Mr NG, he’s with me”
NG
Oh, that’s different.
Okay, go in, but he has to sit in the guest seating section.
* Master of Ceremonies steps out*
Welcome my twisted muffins!
HUNNIES
Welcome Willie!
WILLIE
Debb will be blowing your wig off tonight
with her doghouse backing her up.
You dames will be thrown no curves.
And afters take your special surrr-prize from under
your seats and make tracks to the gin mill across the street.
*Hunnies check under seats to find their surprise*
FANNY
Hey, a Golden Ticket. Like, what for chocolate?
It’s the damn weekend!
I want more than chocolate.
Who’s lame idea was this? Oh wait, lemme guess?
Wee Willie Wonka?
“An eighth to the jive Dollface!
But not just for any ol’chocolate…
these are for chocolate Shirley Temples!
Ain’t that nobby?
WILLIE
Quite the Abercrombie, pirate.
Moving on, shall we?
As I was saying, Debb was inspired
by the smooth pips about town,
especially the cat with the Chicago typewriter,
if you get my drift.
SWEENEY
Ahhh….
WILLIE
Good, you got it. So let me scat before
I end up tripping for biscuits and turn the stage
over to Debb and the Triple Threat Trio!
*applause, applause, applause—
curtain opens with Debb and the band*
DEBB
Welcome Hunnies and various
HUNNIES
Welcome Debb!
DEBB
Thought we’d step back in time
and play a little something from the thirties.
So sit back, snap those finger and if the mood moves you,
jump up on those stems and have yourself a blast,
cuz that’s what this place is all about!
Tonight, we’re Putting on the Ritz!
Ready guys? One, two, one-two-three-four.
*music starts*
Have you seen the well-to-do
Up and down Park Avenue
On that famous thoroughfare
With their noses in the air
High hats and arrow collars
White spats and lots of dollars
Spending every dime For a wonderful time
If you're blue and
you don't know where to go to
why don't you go
where fashion sits
Puttin' on the Ritz
Different types who wear a day coat
pants with stripes and cutaway coat
perfect fits
Puttin' on the Ritz
Dressed up like a million-dollar trooper
Tryin' hard to look like Gary Cooper (super duper)
Come let's mix where ROCKER-fellers
walk with sticks or um-ber-ellas
in their mitts
Puttin' on the Ritz
If you're blue and you don't know
where to go to why don't you go
where fashion sits
Puttin' on the Ritz
Different types who wear a day coat
pants with stripes and cutaway coat
perfect fits
Puttin' on the Ritz
Dressed up like a million-dollar trooper
Tryin' hard to look like Gary Cooper (super duper)
Come let's mix where ROCKERfellers
walk with sticks or um-ber-ellas in their mitts
Puttin' on the Ritz
(tap dance break)
Dressed up like a million-dollar trooper
Tryin' hard to look like Gary Cooper (super duper)
If you're blue and you don't know
where to go to
why don't you go where fashion sits
HUNNIES
*waving Golden Tix and stepping out*
Puttin' on the Ritz
Puttin' on the Ritz
Puttin' on the Ritz
Puttin' on the Ritz
DEBB
And don’t forget! Support the town!
Put your checkers in the tin can on the way out
or at least buy Thin Mints!
Hmmm....someone mentioned the Inspector
wanted to talk to me. Oh well.
NG
Say, Debb, wanna see me tap dance
with my walking stick in my mitt?
DEBB
Now this could prove interesting….hit it boys!
Original
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j02k9t4rP...re=related
Just for Fun
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VH2nQHPs4aA
1930s Slang
http://www.paper-dragon.com/1939/slang.html
DEPPVILLE
“Mr Sweeney! Mr Sweeney!”
“What is it Kitten? Can’t you see I’m having a conversation
with Puddles? Here, Celine, please keep her company.”
“I’m sorry Mr Sweeney, but I thought you should know”
This sounds very important Kitten.
Tell me, it’s not KittyKat is it?
Is she having a bad hair day again?
I can fix that problem right up.
KITTEN
No Mr Sweeney, but I’ll let her know you offered.
No, it’s about a new guy in town. I saw him.
I think he’s looking to take out a large deposit.
SWEENEY
Don’t you mean, make a deposit.
I mean if he’s new, how can he withdraw?
KITTEN
It’s gonna be an early withdrawal Mr Sweeney. Go look!
*down on street, outside Fleet Street Financial*
*jumps out of sight*
“Bunch of bleeders! I think you’re right Kitten.
I remember him. I gave him that haircut yesterday!
Go get word to the Inspector. Quick!”
KITTEN
I’m a quick pussy, Mr Sweeney!
Miss LaJae can attest to that!
“I’m too busy gandering at the guy with the big gun
across the street to worry about pussies today”
*out on Fleet Street*
“Top o’the mornin’ to ye ladies.
What brings you fine gentlewomen out so early?”
*Wenchie and ShesBarkingMad grab each other, startled*
WENCHIE
Oh Beadle! You scared us!
BEADLE
Not my intention I assure you.
But tis in your best interest that you shouldn’t
be wandering about unescorted.
SBMad
We got an escort.
*Wenchie elbows SBMad*
BEADLE
And who might that be Miss Lara?
SBMad
Why that fine naughty sausage over there.
BEADLE *looks to empty spot*
I don’t see a sausage.
SBMad
Oh? Where’d he go?
*car backing up street*
WENCHIE *whispering to SBMad*
He can do it backwards as good as forward can’t he?
*Two giggle*
*Upstairs at Todd’s place*
*looking out Todd’s window*
“You’re sure you recognized him Mr. Todd?”
SWEENEY
I assure you Inspector.
I remember everyone who goes under my blade.
TRUDY *sitting in Sweeney’s chair. tucked beneath a lovely quilt*
And I Can Assure You Inspector!
Mr Todd Has A Fine Blade Indeed!
“Why thank you TruD.
You always have the kindest words.”
“I don’t think that’s the blade he was
talking about TruD. Now, back to this
mysterious stranger in town.
You think he is up to no good?”
FYA *bursting into room, dancing all the way*
There you are Inspector! I want to report…
ABBERLINE
I know Miss Fanny. Mr Todd has already
reported the man with the gun.
FYA *with a ‘cheerleader” jump*
Man with a gun? No way Jose!
I’m talking about Amigo Man.
ABBERLINE
Another one?
FYA *twirls, snaps fingers*
You mean there’s two Amigos in town?
ABBERLINE
No, I mean Mr Todd has reported a
different man lurking about.
FYA *Hammer-times across floor*
Damn, Choc’s always mentioning
lurkers and lookiloos but I didn’t believe her.
So it’s true, we’re being invaded?
ABBERLINE
You been watching one too many
Outer Limit episodes with Eps?
Two men do not make an invasion, Miss Fanny.
FYA *back flips*
Does in my book. Not that I carry a book like that.
Debb does. Not me. I keep it all up here.
*taps temple*
Not only that, but I can act and sing
every line to High School Musical.
Wanna see?
*starts to dance, then suddenly”*
Look! There he is! Amigo Man!
*Abberline looks*
FYA *Moonwalks*
Why you smiling? Don’t you see him?
ABBERLINE
I do Fanny. But you need to take a closer look.
I do believe thats Juan the Cabana Boy on his day off.
FYA (stops twirling)
What! *looks again*
Well hand me a laptop and fuck me sideways…no wait,
that’s ME’s saying. So I’ll just keep it simple….
WTF??? Out of my way. I need to get that boy home!
*runs out door, jumps railing---forgetting she’s on 2nd floor*
Damn! Good thing you caught me Juan!
Now let’s get home!
I’m in need of some good vibration.
ABBERLINE
I do believe she has watched High School Musical
one too many times. Oh ,well, I think I shall canvas
the street to see if anyone else saw your stranger Mr Todd.
Have a good day. Kitten, you come with me.
“Yes Inspector”
*passes by CC’s new shoppe---Standees R Us---
sees pile of cardboard standees in street*
ABBERLINE
Morning Miss CC.
*ducks to avoid flying standee*
May I inquire as to what you are doing?
You know, this falls under the littering law?
CC
Weeding Inspector. Cluttering up the Dark Room.
Not keeping what I don’t like and these have to go.
Would be nice if someone would get off their bum
and help me!
“I’m supervising CC”
CC
Well, I didn’t hire you to just sit around.
*pauses*
Wait…yes I did. Okay, good job.
*tosses another standee—a cry followed by a thud out on street*
GODLEY
It’s Beanie. She was beaned by a board.
I think she was comin’ to talk to you.
I found these clenched in her hand.
ABBERLINE
Cufflinks?
CC
Jeepers! I know these!
That new guy in town was wearing them.
Cat’s meow, aren’t they? No offense Kitten.
KITTEN
None taken.
ABBERLINE
There’s a new guy in town and you look at his cufflinks?
CC
What can I say Inspector. I like my men ‘purty’
*looks back at Radiator Guy, wiggles fingers*
“What?”
CC
Nothing sweetie. Just keep doing what you’re doing.
Okay.
I gotta get back to work.
ABBERLINE
We can’t leave Beanie here.
We need to move her.
(Young Toby appears)
“Nuttin’s gonna harm her…not while I’m around.”
PERILLI
Who is this?
Who is this Miss?
I can fix this…
with just a kiss…
ABBERLINE
Signor Pirelli, good.
You may be able to help me. Looking for a man…
PERILLI
This man Inspector? Show him Toby.
ABBERLINE
No Signor, not that man.
PERILLI
But this is-a the Pope!
He give-a you hope!
ABBERLINE
Never mind, just see to it
Beanie gets home safe.
PERILLI
Si, si, Inspector.
Help-a me with her Toby.
(whispers)
Maybe we can-a bottle some of that Green Flash of hers.
ABBERLINE
Now, where were we Godley? Ah , yes. The cufflinks.
Let us investigate further. Follow me. You too Kitten.
KITTEN
Yes Inspector.
ABBERLINE
These ladies might be witnesses.
PRICESA
Sorry Inspector. I just got back to Deppville.
But I did see a guy in a black jacket…
just strolling down the street,like nobody’s business.
There he is!
KITTEN
He’s nice, but that’s not him Inspector.
VIANNE
Oh, I think I know who you mean.
ABBERLINE
Good, can you describe him?
VIANNE
I can do better that that!
*whips out Etch-A-Sketch*
*hands drawing to Abberline*
ABBERLINE *handing EtchASketch to Godley*
Thank you Vianne. We’ll put it in our report.
Anyone else?
SMITTEN
Can’t help you either. I’ve been painting for
weeks and weeks and weeks.
Just helped CC put on a finishing coat at her new shoppe.
ABBERLINE
Yes, I’ve been there.
Couldn’t help notice the white on the floor.
SMITTEN
That? Oh that wasn’t paint. Tee Hee.
FANNY *Flashdancing by*
I don’t get it! Damn, I need a Stella.
HOPE
Can I add my two cents?
IDZY (passing by)
Two cents? Just two cents, Great White?
Don’t you know about inflation?
Make it two bucks.
I think Abberline’s worth that much don’t you think?
Got to go find Babs.
She was suppose to be bringing home the Canadian Bacon.
Well, it’s not really Canadian.
Well, yeah, it is cuz it’s made in Canada, right?
But they don’t call it that.
It’s back bacon to them.
And speaking of backs,
have you seen the back of that new guy in town?
ABBERLINE
You’ve seen the new guy, Mayor?
IDZY
I have. Last time I heard,
he was over at the courthouse buying Thin Mints.
Nice guy, supporting the Hunnie Bunnies…
they’re Deppville’s answer to the Girl Scouts.
Hey…where you going Inspector??
ABBERLINE (at courthouse)
Excuse me sir. Could you direct me to where
a Hunnie Bunnie is selling her cookies?
“She was right there…but some jive guy came
in a carriage and made her pack it in.
Mentioned a shoppe of curiousities over on Fleet Street.
Might go check it out later.”
ABBERLINE
Thank you sir. I know of who you speak.
*Heads to the Curiosity Shoppe*
“Chocolat…Inspector Abberline. Are you in?”
CHOC
*curtains part, Peter Gunn theme song playing.*
I am Inspector.
*tilts fedora on head (not exactly part of the uniform)*
CHOCOLAT
You were saying Inspector?
*Abberline shakes thoughts clear*
“Yes, I was saying.
I was informed that you were selling your cookies
over at the courthouse.
“You were selling what?”
CHOCOLAT
No, no Wilmot. Not those cookies…tee hee…
sorry Inspector. The Earl and I, well
we have this little game we play…
ABBERLINE
I beg you, Miss Chocolat, no details are needed.
CHOCOLAT
But I still have some cookies left, but not Thin Mints.
The gentleman cleaned me out.
WILMOT
What!
CHOCOLAT
No, Rochester, not that kind of cleaning….
that’s another game…
Oh right, TMI, sorry Inspector.
ABBERLINE
I know your Lordship, you have a talent with paper and pen.
Perhaps your lady might give a description
and you can render a rendition of this stranger.
I have one from Vianne but it’s a little “sketchy”.
*Choc describes while Wilmot scribes*
WILMOT
Here you go Inspector.
CHOCOLAT
That’s it! You’re so good Johnny!
ABBERLINE
But…but…Miss Chocolat…that looks like…
CHOCOLAT
Well, Inspector, the man did have a big gun!
ABBERLINE
Very well, Godley, put it in with the other report papers.
*Back on Fleet Street*
ABBERLINE
Kitten, go see what those motorcyclists are posting.
*KITTEN grabs a poster, returns to Abbeline*
“Inspector! Inspector! What’s it say?”
ABBERLINE
Appears to be a health warning of sorts.
Signed by a Hunnie named Dramaced.
KITTEN
Oh! I know her Inspector.
She works for the Deppville Health Clinic.
Follow me!
(Deppville Health Clinic)
ABBERLINE
What’s this? Are you here for medical reasons?
BRASCO
Forgeddaboutit.
We’re here applying for the new position that’s opened up.
Realtor. Dram’s in need of someone to show her
the lay of the land, if you be getting my drift?
ABBERLINE
Yes, I got it.
KITTEN
Good you got it!
ABBERLINE
Kitten!
KITTEN
Sowwey! I’m just a quick pussie.
ABBERLINE
We need to explore elsewhere. Follow me.
(across town)
“Inspector! Good you made it!”
ABBERLINE
I didn’t know you were expecting me Mr Grape.
GILBERT
Yes! I called. I want you to put a stop to this!
She’s leaving it all over my store!
ABBERLINE
What is that?
“It’s poop!
Leaves it on my stoop!
And whenever I clean it,
she returns and she leaves it again!
Driving me‘round the bend!”
ABBERLINE
Do you know the perpetrator?
KITTEN *mumbling beneath breath*
Poop-a-traitor is more like it.
GILBERT
I can draw you a picture.
ABBERLINE
No! No more pictures, please.
I’ll have to add this to my future investigation.
Right now I am on a case concerning a stranger in town
with a big gun, driving a big car.
Told he drives it backwards quite well.
Have you heard or seen him?
GILBERT
Hold on Inspector. I’ll ask.
(outside )
QP! Have you seen a stranger?
Big gun? Big car? Drives backwards.
QP (with friend up on water tower)
“Match in the gas tank! Boom! Boom!”
ABBERLINE
Why is she clear up there?
GILBERT
She likes quiet places to practice with her guitar teacher.
ABBERLINE
Then perhaps we shouldn’t bother them.
Thank you sir.
Kitten, shall we go.
(At The Hut)
“Good morning Inspector. What can I do for you?
ABBERLINE
I’m looking for the proprietress.
KITTEN
I thought we were looking for a poop-a-traitor.
ABBERLINE
Kitten!
KITTEN
Sowwey.
ROUX
Ah, that would be my lovely Babs.
She’s busy at the moment.
KITTEN
Isn’t that the baff-room? Is she….”
ROUX
No! She’s trying on her new sandals.
She makes several trips a day into town
to check out the new merchandise.
ABBERLINE
That could prove quite expensive.
ROUX
One would think. But she always seems to manage
to pull C-notes out of her pants.
*Abberline and Kitten look to each other*
ABBERLINE
C-notes you say, Roux?
Do you know where she may be obtaining them?
Is business that good here at the Hut?
ROUX
Business is good, but she always gives the coffee away,
so the register is bare bones. No, she did mention
something about a generous gentleman at the courthouse.
Was buying Thin Mints, then bought her coffee right
out of her hands too. Ah, there you are my luv.
Those sandals look good enough to eat off your tootsies.
BABS
You think Roux?
Might not keep me warm in an Alberta Clipper,
but that’s what I have you for.
“And you’d be right my Babs.”
*bell chimes over door*
JJDI
Excuse me, I was told to look for The Three Gooses.
Is that a new shoppe?
BABS *sigh*
No that would be me, Fanny and Rusty.
Fanny will tell you she’s the good looking one,
but I must heartily disagree.
JJDI
And how will I know Rusty?
BABS
She’ll be this high.
*holds hand thigh high*
As for Fanny, she’s the biggest honker; as in noise.
JJDI
You know who else has a big honker?
That guy in the big car. He has a nice honker too,
and I ain’t talking about his nose or horn. LOL!
ABBERLINE
You’ve seen this man?
The one with the big honker…I mean car?
Show me where!
JJDI
Sorry Inspector. Love to help, but I’m on my way out of town.
Got to stop at Sweeney’s.
Wilma recommends I get a quick trimming of the skirt before
I head to the islands. She’s always on my back.
Maybe while I’m there I’ll try a soothing skin massage.
Will send you a postcard!
(Hula’s out, singing “Lovely Hula Hands”)
KITTEN
If she gets that skirt twimmed any shorter its gonna show her…
ABBERLINE
Kitten!
KITTEN
What? Oh nevermind.
I know…we’re going somewhere else.
Follow you.
*Two Streets Over*
WILMOT
“Here you go Miss Wilma. Fresh from Lady Ellie’s garden.”
WILMA
Oh thank you your Lordship.
I needed a fresh one. Last batch…mmmm…not too good.
(outside)
KITTEN
Oh! I know this place Inspector.
This is Wilma’s.
She makes the best Wubbery Wemon Pies, she does. A wittle competition for those meat pies on Fleet Street.
(enters Wilma’s pie shoppe)
WILMA
Welcome Inspector! I heard you are on quite a case.
Ah, Lord Rochester, leaving so soon?
I do apologize Miss Wilma,
but I promised to juggle Chocolat’s coconuts later.
KITTEN
OHHH! I wuv chocolate and cocoanut!
Can I come too?
ABBERLINE
I believe that is not what the Earl has in mind Kitten.
Good day sir. Hello Miss Wilma.
WILMA
Welcome Inspector. Need a little break?
Try some pie? No! Inspector not the Pineapple Pie it’s too…. …
…runny. Opps! Why don’t you go upstairs and clean up.
Chofy will run you a bath and I’ll send some refreshments up.
(few minutes later)
This was very kind of Miss Wilma, wasn’t it Kitten?
And CHofy sure knows the perfect temperature for
the water.
“I don’t wike baffs. Ohh….look Inspector. A pi-wate!”
“Oh look! A little pussy!
I have a perfect pocket for you…hop in!
KITTEN (wiggles around)
This is nice Jack!
“You’ve no idea luv!”
ABBERLINE
Sparrow! I hope it’s important that you disturb my bath!
JACK
Captain…that’s Captain Sparrow, Inspector.
I have in-for-ma-tion from a woman…by the name of Kaz.
By the way, why are you taking a bath?
ABBERLINE
I tried one of Wilma’s pineapple pies.
ABBERLINE
Back to Kaz. She could not deliver this information herself.
JACK
‘Fraid not Inspector. She’s busy.
With work and all that.
*wiggles fingers*
Dashing about here and there. Mostly there.
Where was I? Oh yes…actually mate,
Chocolat discovered it, she passed it on to Kaz
and being the busy bee she is, passed it on to Jenny
who entrusted it to me, and Robert’s your uncle and Fanny’s your aunt…Fanny!
Okay, she’s not around.
ABBERLINE
No, she’s not. So what is this information?
“How much do you know about John Dillinger?”
GRONKS *bursting thru door*
Whad-up! Back in business, I am!
Hey, ain’t you the Inspector from Scotland Yard?
Don’t get up on my account.
ABBERLINE
Trust me Gronks, I wasn’t.
GRONKS
No? My loss. Hey there Jack.
You happy to see me or does your pocket move
like that all the time?
KITTEN
I’m in here Gwonks!
GRONKS
Oh, right…the pussy pocket.
ABBERLINE
Did you have something to add to the Dillinger case Gronks?
GRONKS
Who? Oh, right!
*pulls out fingerpainting*
It’s as close to his likeness I could get.
ABBERLINE *moans*
Not another picture. Ok, give it to Godley downstairs.
GRONKS
Only if he promises to put it on the fridge!
But then, Fanny just takes it off.
Okay, I’ll give it to guy downstairs.
*goes off humming Peter Gunn theme song*
JACK
There’s no living with that song.
ABBERLINE
You’re still here, pirate?
JACK
Ah, yes Inspector. I have something of me own for you.
ABBERLINE sinks below waterline.
Was just trying to help Inspector.
*leaves bathroom*
KAT
Inspector!
ABBERLINE
Kat!
KAT
I have something concerning that new guy in town.
ABBERLINE
Please tell me Miss Kat
it is NOT another hand-drawn picture?
KAT
Picture? No, no. But I did find some orange socks.
I think he left them at the Laundromat when he did his laundry.
ABBERLINE
Are you sure they’re not NG’s cozies?
KAT
Ewwweeee….no! I don’t touch his cozies!
ABBERLINE
But you’ll touch a strangers socks?
KAT
Well, I mean…I suppose I did…anyway…do you want them?
ABBERLINE
Give them to Kitten to take to Godley.
Kitten? Kitten?
Oh no, Jack has her in his pocket.
I guess I must request that you take
the socks down yourself Miss Kat. Thank you.
KAT
G’day sir.
(leaves)
ABBERLINE
So if he has lost his socks, perhaps he might return to claim them.
*Drys off, dresses, heads across town,
finds ME in Town Square, clicking heels*
ME
There’s no place like home.
There’s no place like home.
There’s no place like home.
ABBERLINE
ME,my dearest. It appears you may be lost?
ME
Oh no Inspector! I DEPPinately know where I am.
Just now and again I like to remind myself.
ABBERLINE *pointing behind her*
And those would be?
ME
Oh they’re the new danglies I bought from Perelli.
He said the Founding Father brought them
home from Switzerland.
You know I love Mr. D’s danglies.
Could hang from them all day.
ABBERLINE
ME, The Founding Father hasn’t been to Switzerland.
ME
No! Say it’s not so! Oh I am going to cry!
I need something to wipe my tears.
FOUNDING FATHER
“Hush, hush, my dear ME. I heard your sorrow.
Here, use my scarf. Rusty has always said my scarf is the cat’s pajamas when it comes to wiping away said tears.”
*Dabs ME’s tears*
Now tell me what has happened?
*ME points to “danglies”*
FOUNDING FATHER
Ahhh, yes. I have heard that Perelli
is pawning off the bells as danglies.
No worries love. You can dangle from mine.
Come along, my car is here. I can take you home.
ABBERLINE
But Mr. D, I needed to interview her!
“Later Inspector.
Lets just say, she’s in my custody for now.”
(drives off with ME)
*Abberline wanders up street to Bowling Alley.
Finds CLOSED sign, calls out to
passing stranger rushing by*
Excuse me sir, can you tell me what’s become of the proprietors?
“I heard Aggie and Tommy have gone to a meeting.
Something called Balls Anonymous. Love to chat, cat,
but gotta scat!”
ABBERLINE
Thank you sir! Well, check Aggie and Tommy off the list for now.
Will try to catch them when they are done with
the meeting of the balls.
“Excuse me Inspector?”
ABBERLINE
And you are?
“Aruam”
ABBERLINE
I see, Miss Aruam. And is this your normal wardrobe?
ARUAM
No, no. I’m manning a table for the annual
Deppville’s Greek Gods and Goddesses Pagent.
Fundraiser for the Library.
Library Lady Debb says there has been a sudden interest
in John Dillinger and she needed funds
to add to the collection.
ABBERLINE
Very admirable of you Miss Aruam.
But I must admit, I am a bit concerned
that you are out here on your own.
ARUAM
Oh, I’m not. He’s helping me with my table.
See, each jar holds different coins.
He pushes them into the bottle necks…
great fingers for pushing.
FaveD is here too. She’s working that table.
*directs Inspector to next table*
ABBERLINE
Sir, I am in need of speaking to a Miss Favoritedarkness.
“She’s busy, Down Under.”
ABBERLINE
Oh? She’s gone to Australia.
KITCHEN TABLE GUY
That’s not what I said Inspector.
“Oh, I see. I mean I don’t really see.
I mean, I’ll leave you to it then.
KITCHEN TABLE GUY
Don’t forget to donate Inspector.
*Abberline makes a charitable contribution, heads to library*
“Evening Inspector. What can I do for you?”
ABBERLINE
I’m looking for John Dillinger.
REFERNCE GUY
*pointing to aisles*
“364.3”
ABBERLINE
Sorry?
REFERENCE GUY
Three-sixty-four point three.
That’s the Dewey Decimal number for criminals.
Unless you would prefer a biography.
Then that’s in the last aisle.
The Intern can help you I popping off to the Hut for some coffee.
“Yes sir. Are you being helped?”
ABBERLINE
I understand the Hunnies have developed
a sudden interest in Mr.Dillinger.
INTERN
Ah, well, ever since he opened a library card,
applications have sky-rocketed.
ABBERLINE
He’s a card-carrying member of the library?
INTERN
Indeed, sir. Miss Debb registered him herself.
Made a $100 donation.
ABBERLINE
Hmmmm…the same amount for Miss Choc’s cookies
and Miss Babs coffee. I’m seeing a pattern here.
INTERN
Oh that would be the new floor.
Nice isn’t it. By the way, if you needed a book on Dillinger,
I’m sorry to say, Mr. Rainey got the last one.
“Can I help you Inspector?”
ABBERLINE
Perhaps,Mr. Rainey. If I may come in?
MORT
Certainly Inspector. Come in, have a seat.
*sound of coins dropping upstairs*
“Oh excuse me Inspector.
“MoHo? Honey? We have company.
Can you stop that for a minute?
MOHO
1,732; 1,733; 1734…what? What Mort?
Oh! I lost count! Have to start over.
One, two, three….”
“She’s been counting out of that jar of dirt
for three days now Inspector!
I’m not sure I can take it anymore…i
t’s like the Chinese Water Torture!”
Your friend, he want Water Torture…I give him water torture!
“I do believe Sei Feng,
it was the other one that said “water torture”.
SEI FENG
OH! Me Bad! Me Run! Hide on Pearl!
“Pearl? Pearl? Did he say The Pearl?
Wait! That’s me ship!
*chases Sei Feng*
(quiet voice)
“Someone help me please?”
“Down here Mr Wainey….I jumped outta Jack’s pocket”
ABBERLINE
Oh Kitten! There you are.
Now Mr Rainey, back to business.
I am following the trail of one, Mr John Dillinger.
Have you heard of him?
MORT
Actually Inspector, I just picked up a book on him.
I can lend it to you. Hmmm…where is it?
Oh yeah. Out in the car. Come on.
ABBERLINE
I have but another Hunnie to interview.
I am told I can find her behind the couch at the Hut.
Shall we Kitten?
KITTEN
I know, I know, follow you Inspector.
*At The Hut*
ABBERLINE
Excuse me Miss. I am looking for RustyRed.
SILLYWENCH
Oh, well, I’m still getting to know the names and faces.
But I have learned about Bendy Legs.
See…there’s a Bendy, there’s a Bendy and …
ABBERLINE
Thank you anyway. I’ll look around.
RUM GUY
Inspector, hello. What can I do for you?
ABBERLINE
I’m here on official business.
I need to speak with Miss Rusty.
RUM GUY
Rusty babe…we got company…and bring another bottle of rum
RUSTY
Coming baby.
Ohhh, what is she doing?
RUSTY
High pants. All the rage now you know,
since that new guy blew into town.
Rummy,does this make my belly button look like an outie?
RUM GUY
If it does sweetie, I’ll just use my finger to pop it back in…
unless you had other plans for my fingers?
RUSTY
Excuse us Inspector. Seems I have a *cough* appointment.
ABBERLINE
Before you go Miss Rusty.
Do you know where I can find Miss Debb.
She seems to be last on my list to interview.
RUSTY
Oh best hurry then Inspector.
She’s over at the hall getting ready for the April concert.
*Abberline and Kitten hurry to the Hall*
“Sorry dude, you got a ticket?”
“Mr NG, Mr NG, he’s with me”
NG
Oh, that’s different.
Okay, go in, but he has to sit in the guest seating section.
* Master of Ceremonies steps out*
Welcome my twisted muffins!
HUNNIES
Welcome Willie!
WILLIE
Debb will be blowing your wig off tonight
with her doghouse backing her up.
You dames will be thrown no curves.
And afters take your special surrr-prize from under
your seats and make tracks to the gin mill across the street.
*Hunnies check under seats to find their surprise*
FANNY
Hey, a Golden Ticket. Like, what for chocolate?
It’s the damn weekend!
I want more than chocolate.
Who’s lame idea was this? Oh wait, lemme guess?
Wee Willie Wonka?
“An eighth to the jive Dollface!
But not just for any ol’chocolate…
these are for chocolate Shirley Temples!
Ain’t that nobby?
WILLIE
Quite the Abercrombie, pirate.
Moving on, shall we?
As I was saying, Debb was inspired
by the smooth pips about town,
especially the cat with the Chicago typewriter,
if you get my drift.
SWEENEY
Ahhh….
WILLIE
Good, you got it. So let me scat before
I end up tripping for biscuits and turn the stage
over to Debb and the Triple Threat Trio!
*applause, applause, applause—
curtain opens with Debb and the band*
DEBB
Welcome Hunnies and various
HUNNIES
Welcome Debb!
DEBB
Thought we’d step back in time
and play a little something from the thirties.
So sit back, snap those finger and if the mood moves you,
jump up on those stems and have yourself a blast,
cuz that’s what this place is all about!
Tonight, we’re Putting on the Ritz!
Ready guys? One, two, one-two-three-four.
*music starts*
Have you seen the well-to-do
Up and down Park Avenue
On that famous thoroughfare
With their noses in the air
High hats and arrow collars
White spats and lots of dollars
Spending every dime For a wonderful time
If you're blue and
you don't know where to go to
why don't you go
where fashion sits
Puttin' on the Ritz
Different types who wear a day coat
pants with stripes and cutaway coat
perfect fits
Puttin' on the Ritz
Dressed up like a million-dollar trooper
Tryin' hard to look like Gary Cooper (super duper)
Come let's mix where ROCKER-fellers
walk with sticks or um-ber-ellas
in their mitts
Puttin' on the Ritz
If you're blue and you don't know
where to go to why don't you go
where fashion sits
Puttin' on the Ritz
Different types who wear a day coat
pants with stripes and cutaway coat
perfect fits
Puttin' on the Ritz
Dressed up like a million-dollar trooper
Tryin' hard to look like Gary Cooper (super duper)
Come let's mix where ROCKERfellers
walk with sticks or um-ber-ellas in their mitts
Puttin' on the Ritz
(tap dance break)
Dressed up like a million-dollar trooper
Tryin' hard to look like Gary Cooper (super duper)
If you're blue and you don't know
where to go to
why don't you go where fashion sits
HUNNIES
*waving Golden Tix and stepping out*
Puttin' on the Ritz
Puttin' on the Ritz
Puttin' on the Ritz
Puttin' on the Ritz
DEBB
And don’t forget! Support the town!
Put your checkers in the tin can on the way out
or at least buy Thin Mints!
Hmmm....someone mentioned the Inspector
wanted to talk to me. Oh well.
NG
Say, Debb, wanna see me tap dance
with my walking stick in my mitt?
DEBB
Now this could prove interesting….hit it boys!
Original
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j02k9t4rP...re=related
Just for Fun
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VH2nQHPs4aA
1930s Slang
http://www.paper-dragon.com/1939/slang.html
